Voodoo Dick FRAO for cracky sex talk
Voodoo Dick
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairings: None (if you have to technically John/Enchanted object)
Rating: FRAO for sex talk and mature themes if no actual sex
Warnings: Time for a Heaping Helping of Crack
Summary: John's temper gets him in trouble.
It was a hot afternoon and Dean could tell that his father's temper was getting frayed around the edges. They had come to this little backwater town to investigate several attacks that may or may not have been caused by something supernatural. It was hard to get a handle on the situation because no one wanted to actually discuss the attacks although everyone knew about them.
John and Dean had descended on Millwater, Idaho armed to the teeth, and spent the last four days scouting out all the local supernatural 'hot' spots to no avail. They had even gone so far as to drag out the old navy blue suits and ties and the phony FBI badges and hit the local sheriff's office.
John stood in the lobby of the shabby looking distressed brick building with sweat running down his back to his ass, huffing angry curse words under his breath. He jerked at the tie and Dean rolled his eyes.
"Dad…"
"John," his father hissed, "Keep in character, Dean."
With a more pronounced session of eye rolling Dean eased closer to his father and attempted to straighten the man's time. John smacked his hand away, "We're co-workers, you aren't my wife. I can do it."
"Jeeze…John, what put a bug up your ass?" Dean snapped.
With a sigh his father shot him a semi-apologetic glare which was about as sorry as John Winchester ever got about his behavior, good, bad or otherwise. Dean shrugged. Finally his father loosened his shirt collar.
"I have never been in a town so reluctant to talk about something that everybody knows anyway, except the people who need to know about it."
Dean nodded understanding that John's muttered people who need to know meant a one John Winchester and if he was feeling charitable his son as well. Finally the deputy in charge of the desk came ambling back took another look at John and Dean's IDs and buzzed them through the door.
The files the needed to look at were piled on a table in a tiny conference room. Dean settled into a chair and John sat down pulling the top most file over. He read through the thin report which consisted of two pages and shoved the file to Dean. This went on for a good forty-five minutes until they had gone through every file on the table. John sat there red-faced and Dean couldn't tell if it was from anger or heat exhaustion.
"Well, that was about as useful as a pair of double D tits in a gay bar," John snorted. Dean winced, sometimes his father's lack of social grace irked even him. "Don't gimme that look. You know what I mean."
"So what do we do, John?" Dean snapped. "Just sit around here waiting for it to happen again?"
"Dean, I can't see that there's much we can do anyway? Of the twenty people who reported 'incidents' no one would make a clear statement as to what caused the problem? We know that the attacks were sexual in nature, but we don't have a clear description of the acts that occurred, or what perpetrated them. As far as I can tell no one was actually injured, at least not severely and most of the people just clammed up about what occurred. No one is prosecuting…the only thing that I can get out of the files is that the attacks involved penetration so I'm thinking it's an incubus. But no one had died of the attacks so maybe he's a nice incubus?"
"Nice incubus?" Dean asked incredulously. His father merely shrugged.
"He fucks and runs, but he doesn't kill. I'm guessing that's about as nice as incubi get."
"So what do we do, Dad? Canvas the neighborhood looking for a guy with a big smile and a bigger dick?"
John shot him a glance.
"You can go canvas the neighborhood looking for a guy with a big dick," he muttered under his breath and then added, "It wouldn't be the first time."
Dean shot him a look. Rising from his seat he snorted, "Let's just scout out the area, Dad. See if we can run across anything odd, listen to a few conversations in bars or something then meet back at the hotel."
Nodding John stood up, "Fine I could use a drink anyway."
Dean watched the retreating form of his father for a few minutes before turning the opposite direction and heading to a small coffee shop. He had just gotten to the door when an odd looking young woman dressed in a multi-colored silk blouse, denim Capri pants and hemp high-top sneakers stopped him at the door.
Smiling tentative she edged closer she asked, "You're one of the hunters?"
Dean blinked first at her outlandish make up, and the dozen necklaces hanging around her neck with various protection charms and magic sigils dangling on them. When he nodded her face broke into a big grin.
"Oh good, Jim Murphy said he sent two hunters. I wanted to meet you before you got involved with the case and tell you what to expect but the other guy scares me."
"Yeah," Dean said sighing. "He has that effect on people. So you know what's happening around here?"
The girl's face flushed bright red and she gulped, "Yes but it's really embarrassing."
"Hey, that's okay. I've heard all kinds of weird crap, hit me with it." Dean settled into a chair at one of the small tables in front of the diner and the girl settled down opposite him. Taking a deep breath she finally began.
"It's an enchanted object."
"Enchanted object…" Dean blinked. "My dad and I have dealt with a few of those. That still doesn't explain how it moves around."
"It can be summoned, by calling it to you very loudly." the girl replied. Dean nodded.
"Look…uh…"
"Oh Nina," she said smiling offering her hand. Dean shook politely.
"Okay Nina, you seem to know a lot about this thing. Did you create it?"
"Oh no, it's been around since the 1930s. Some witch created it back then. It’s the town's best kept secret. No one wants to admit to summoning it, even if they do it as a joke. The story goes that this woman was really not interested in sex so her husband created it as an incentive. He was a practitioner and made it to increase his wife's sex drive."
"Made what?' Dean asked already dreading the answer. The blush on Nina's face darkened.
"The Voodoo Dick."
Dean blinked, "What now?"
The girl shot his a sideways glance leaning over the table. Hissing she hushed him with a glance.
"The Voodoo Dick, it's an enchanted dildo. Like I said you call it too you by saying Voodoo Dick loudly and clearly then stating the orifice that you want it to fuck, know mouth, pussy, ass and it just pops in there and give you the fucking of your life."
"You have got to be shitting me," Dean said. Nina shook her head.
"Look can we go someplace quiet.. It can be stopped, I finally found a charm to disenchant it, and stop people from being able to summon it, but we've got to call it too us. Once it gets where its called we can read the charm and destroy it."
Dean blinked, what the hell?
"My father and I have a hotel room just down the street. We can go there. How do you plan on getting the...uh...it to the room?" Dean sighed, "If you knew this why haven't you just summoned it and destroyed it yourself?"
Nina smiled apologetically, "It takes two people. The person who summons it can't destroy it. So I thought one of us could summon it and the other read the charm."
"Sounds reasonable," Dean agreed. He led Nina down the street and into the hotel room.
She blushed motioning to her lower half.
"It doesn't matter if you have clothes on, it'll appear inside… you know. Once I tell you its there you just read the charm and destroy it."
She handed Dean a piece of paper and lay down on the bed. Dean nodded sitting down beside her. Before Nina could open her mouth the door swung inward and John stood glaring at his son.
"Jeeze Dean, couldn't you at least wait until we got finished with the job before you picked up some bimbo?"
Dean frowned, "She's not a bimbo, Dad. She knows what's going on and she's here helping me get rid of the thing causing these attacks."
Nina nodded vigorously as Dean explained the Voodoo Dick to his father. John stood looking at his son as if he had lost his mind. When Dean had stuttered to a halt his father rolled his eyes.
"That is the most ridiculous pile of bullshit I have ever heard. I can't believe you'd even try to justify your bringing some girl back here for a roll in the sack while I'm out there busting my ass to work this case."
"Dad, I'm not doing that honestly. I brought Nina here to summon the Voodoo Dick and get rid of it."
"Its true," Nina jumped in. "We're here for the case. We're only trying to summon the object and get rid of it."
"I don't want to hear it, Dean." John motioned the girl off the bed. "I think your little playmate had better run along. We've got work to do."
"Dad…" Dean objected but John shut him down with a raised hand.
"Dean I don't want to hear it. Get your ass in gear we've got work to do killing this incubus."
"Dad, I'm not kidding. It's not an incubus it's the Voodoo dick."
Huffing out a breath John glared at his son, "Jeeze Dean, give it up. I don't believe you keep on trying to sell that crap story."
Dean opened his mouth, "Dad it's not crap it's the Voodoo Dick."
John frowned, stilling his son with a glare, "Voodoo dick…my ass."
The End