Torn
I'm feeling pulled in different directions in a couple of areas and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm feeling frustrated and angry with myself. (Feel free to skip this. It's just the argument I'm having with myself.) The first is acting class. It's been really good for me. It's a different kind of challenge than I've ever undertaken before. It sure gets me up and moving around a LOT. I feel better for the exercise, normally. However, my heel has been giving me a lot of trouble and isn't healing as quickly as it should be. Health Services on campus has been keeping an eye on it. The last time I was in (Mon.), they told me not to be on it any more than I had to. Movement does hurt it quite a bit and I'm afraid if I go to class and try to move that much, I'll impede the healing of it, as well as end up in a lot more pain. I'm torn about what I should do. I really want to be a part of the ensemble vs. I really want this thing to get better.
I suppose the best way to answer that is to talk to the folks at Health Services when I go in for my check on it today. I'll tell them what's involved and ask if it will be a problem for me to do that. It it just hurts me, I'll do it anyway. If it will harm me, in terms of healing, I'll contact the folks at the acting class and let them know I won't make it this weekend. If it hurts me, that's one thing. If I hurt it, that's something entirely different.
The other thing that has me really riled is that I know I have 2 book stands here - somewhere. They would make studying a lot easier and less stressful on my neck. I took a break this morning and searched for the damn things. It amounted to a monumental waste of time. I'm really angry with myself that I have all this crap here and can't find the things I need, when I need them. I am so angry, I ready to just start tearing through and get rid of as much as I can, as quickly as I can. I stopped myself because I don't know that I can afford the time to really get going on that when I have so much studying to do. I'm trying hard to keep school as my primary focus, but this mess is interfering with my ability to be as efficient as I would like at that task.
I though about getting dressed and heading to the store to pick up yet another one. The problem is, I don't know who carries them and don't want to get stuck running around and losing more time to search for one. Right now, I'm left with this anger with myself for letting this place be in this condition - and no real outlet for it due to lack of time. It's severe enough to make me want to pitch everything I'm not using and just start over. That's a great motivator for the project and I get a lot done when I get to that point. I wonder if I should just give myself over to it for a while and pitch while the odds are good I'll actually get rid of this shit. I'm so exasperated, I just feel like raging.
*sigh*
I just heard what I'm saying. I'm feeling stressed out an overwhelmed. I guess a lot of it comes down to being under too much time stress. I have to devote the necessary time to school. That's a major priority. I have to be able to live here and get done what needs to be done, including making out my taxes so I can submit my FASFA (which I keep putting off because I don't have time to do it). As much as I am into the acting and the emotional investment I have in doing that, it's not *actually* a need. It's a want....a big want, but still only a *want*, none the less. Damn.
I said, when I started all of this, that if it got to be too much, I'd let go of the acting class. That would be the logical thing to do. I knew that an 18 credit semester would be a challenge by itself. Now that I've hit that point, I don't want to let anything go. I'm invested in it and really want to do it all. I'm afraid I just can't. At the beginning, I wasn't emotionally invested in the acting class and could approach it from a purely logical standpoint. I was trying something new about which I'd been curious for years. The reality is that I have allowed myself to get fully involved in the process. It's helping me to grow emotionally, as much as college is helping me to grow intellectually.
Stopping to consider the implications, I flashed back to 20 years ago. I felt this way and had to take a medical leave of absence from Cortland because I couldn't handle life and college. (Of course, it was because I went back to drinking heavily then - which is absolutely NOT an option now.) The warning signs are all there: the rage, the feelings of constantly being behind and trying to dig my way out of a hole that's getting deeper, the exhaustion that's almost constant...... Right down to thinking I could use some time with my therapist, but don't have time to schedule appointments.
I don't want to quit. I like the class. I want to be a part of it. I made a commitment to do this. I made that commitment to them, but more importantly, I made it to myself. It feels like I'm letting myself down. It would feel worse in the long run to let myself down academically, however - or to lose the grip on my sanity I've fought so hard to build. I've been arguing with myself - that it's only for so long. I can hold on for that period of time. If it feels like I'm swinging at the end of my rope, it might be time to let go when I can still find a softer landing spot.
I hate to concede that I've taken on too much, yet again. The fact of the matter is that I'm afraid I have. Now I need to own up to that and do the thing that would be the most responsible. I'm feeling a huge amount of disapointment. It's hard to let go of something I really want. I also feel as sense of relief, just having made the decision. I can take a full, deep breath without fighting for it. I'll have the time to get more sleep. Maybe that alone will help the healing process.
It's hard enough to admit to myself that I'm in over my head. Now I have to write the letter to explain what I've done to the acting company. I know they'll be okay with it. I know that they will extend the invitation to come back for the next series. It's no a difficult choice, logically. Now, if I could just disengage the emotional component of it, I'd be all set.
I suppose the best way to answer that is to talk to the folks at Health Services when I go in for my check on it today. I'll tell them what's involved and ask if it will be a problem for me to do that. It it just hurts me, I'll do it anyway. If it will harm me, in terms of healing, I'll contact the folks at the acting class and let them know I won't make it this weekend. If it hurts me, that's one thing. If I hurt it, that's something entirely different.
The other thing that has me really riled is that I know I have 2 book stands here - somewhere. They would make studying a lot easier and less stressful on my neck. I took a break this morning and searched for the damn things. It amounted to a monumental waste of time. I'm really angry with myself that I have all this crap here and can't find the things I need, when I need them. I am so angry, I ready to just start tearing through and get rid of as much as I can, as quickly as I can. I stopped myself because I don't know that I can afford the time to really get going on that when I have so much studying to do. I'm trying hard to keep school as my primary focus, but this mess is interfering with my ability to be as efficient as I would like at that task.
I though about getting dressed and heading to the store to pick up yet another one. The problem is, I don't know who carries them and don't want to get stuck running around and losing more time to search for one. Right now, I'm left with this anger with myself for letting this place be in this condition - and no real outlet for it due to lack of time. It's severe enough to make me want to pitch everything I'm not using and just start over. That's a great motivator for the project and I get a lot done when I get to that point. I wonder if I should just give myself over to it for a while and pitch while the odds are good I'll actually get rid of this shit. I'm so exasperated, I just feel like raging.
*sigh*
I just heard what I'm saying. I'm feeling stressed out an overwhelmed. I guess a lot of it comes down to being under too much time stress. I have to devote the necessary time to school. That's a major priority. I have to be able to live here and get done what needs to be done, including making out my taxes so I can submit my FASFA (which I keep putting off because I don't have time to do it). As much as I am into the acting and the emotional investment I have in doing that, it's not *actually* a need. It's a want....a big want, but still only a *want*, none the less. Damn.
I said, when I started all of this, that if it got to be too much, I'd let go of the acting class. That would be the logical thing to do. I knew that an 18 credit semester would be a challenge by itself. Now that I've hit that point, I don't want to let anything go. I'm invested in it and really want to do it all. I'm afraid I just can't. At the beginning, I wasn't emotionally invested in the acting class and could approach it from a purely logical standpoint. I was trying something new about which I'd been curious for years. The reality is that I have allowed myself to get fully involved in the process. It's helping me to grow emotionally, as much as college is helping me to grow intellectually.
Stopping to consider the implications, I flashed back to 20 years ago. I felt this way and had to take a medical leave of absence from Cortland because I couldn't handle life and college. (Of course, it was because I went back to drinking heavily then - which is absolutely NOT an option now.) The warning signs are all there: the rage, the feelings of constantly being behind and trying to dig my way out of a hole that's getting deeper, the exhaustion that's almost constant...... Right down to thinking I could use some time with my therapist, but don't have time to schedule appointments.
I don't want to quit. I like the class. I want to be a part of it. I made a commitment to do this. I made that commitment to them, but more importantly, I made it to myself. It feels like I'm letting myself down. It would feel worse in the long run to let myself down academically, however - or to lose the grip on my sanity I've fought so hard to build. I've been arguing with myself - that it's only for so long. I can hold on for that period of time. If it feels like I'm swinging at the end of my rope, it might be time to let go when I can still find a softer landing spot.
I hate to concede that I've taken on too much, yet again. The fact of the matter is that I'm afraid I have. Now I need to own up to that and do the thing that would be the most responsible. I'm feeling a huge amount of disapointment. It's hard to let go of something I really want. I also feel as sense of relief, just having made the decision. I can take a full, deep breath without fighting for it. I'll have the time to get more sleep. Maybe that alone will help the healing process.
It's hard enough to admit to myself that I'm in over my head. Now I have to write the letter to explain what I've done to the acting company. I know they'll be okay with it. I know that they will extend the invitation to come back for the next series. It's no a difficult choice, logically. Now, if I could just disengage the emotional component of it, I'd be all set.