A bit of Free Association, then coherent thoughts
Nothing has really changed. Still just work, home, work, distraction, home, work, ad nauseum. Talent is attractive. Moreso than looks, perhaps even personality. Maybe intelligence trumps all of the above, maybe it's dependent upon the type of intelligence, maybe a balance between brains and personality, or maybe these things can't be quantified so much as they must be experienced on a case-by-case basis.
I have been thinking a lot lately about evolutionary causes of our every thought, action, and emotion. I did find out that behavioral anthropology is a thing (I was pretty sure to begin with, I had simply never approached the subject before). Now, I have a new possible major. My interest in the subject stems from my recent obsession with finding a mate. Well, that's not entirely accurate, either. I've always been interested in motivations behind actions and feelings (hence my original status as a Psychology major), but lately my interest has increased due to my attempts at mastering my drives and feelings so that I won't be depressed anymore. It's pathetic, and I feel co-dependent. I don't like it.
In this pursuit, my mind keeps repeating the old adage "the truth shall set you free." I have come to the idea that I should confess my feelings, as well as my own thoughts on why I have these feelings, to the subjects. I will pour forth my admirations as well as my insistence that these messages will not be my attempt at hooking up with any of them.
As of late, I have felt shackled by silence, and I want to feel free again. Maybe this is a stupid idea. Very little has come from similar confessions in the past, but this time I shall over-explain myself intentionally and with enthusiasm.
The current focus happens to be an ex-girlfriend of mine from high school. She was my (second) shortest relationship, the one in which I was the least emotionally invested (it ended too soon for either of us to know the other, and I was a fucking idiot teenager), and easily the smartest girl I have ever dated.
Her name was Cathey. She was a shy freshman, I was a senior. I did all the corny things I thought was expected, like quoting Byron. Oh god. I didn't fuck up on a colossal scale or anything, we just never got very close and she ended it. It wasn't even that painful, and was easily over-shadowed by my mother's mental breakdown and subsequent hospitalization that very evening.
Enough about then. Now, she is a divorced mother of one. A beautiful and brilliant child. She graduated from UNC Chapel Hill and is now (I think) a teacher. She's a feminist, and a socialist, which I like, and has tolerable taste in music (What an elitist I am!). Seeing how she is now, I can't help but think that we would be a much better couple now than in high school. I have never before even considered a relationship with a parent. However, her relationship with her son inspires me. She's one of the best mothers I have ever seen. Maybe that is part of what attracts me to her; she is a single mother vastly out-performing my own (formerly) single mother. Well, she inspires me in every way. All of this will be explored in great detail with lots of thinking about cave-people and monkeys when I go about drafting my confession.
Edit: I'm starting to rethink this a bit. Not on a chickening-out level, but on a what's-my-exact-motivation level. I have seen evidence that I'm slipping into some detached nihilism, such as my morbid curiosity that is leading me to almost wish the nation would collapse, just so the Republicans (and the Democrats, for that matter) could finally see the cost of holding party loyalty over loyalty to the people they were elected to represent. I think this might be some emotional fire-sale, to prepare myself for the extreme detachment of feeling for the country as a whole, and everyone in it, myself included. I really don't know anymore.
tbc...
I reserve the right to chicken out and/or edit/delete this post at a later date.
I have been thinking a lot lately about evolutionary causes of our every thought, action, and emotion. I did find out that behavioral anthropology is a thing (I was pretty sure to begin with, I had simply never approached the subject before). Now, I have a new possible major. My interest in the subject stems from my recent obsession with finding a mate. Well, that's not entirely accurate, either. I've always been interested in motivations behind actions and feelings (hence my original status as a Psychology major), but lately my interest has increased due to my attempts at mastering my drives and feelings so that I won't be depressed anymore. It's pathetic, and I feel co-dependent. I don't like it.
In this pursuit, my mind keeps repeating the old adage "the truth shall set you free." I have come to the idea that I should confess my feelings, as well as my own thoughts on why I have these feelings, to the subjects. I will pour forth my admirations as well as my insistence that these messages will not be my attempt at hooking up with any of them.
As of late, I have felt shackled by silence, and I want to feel free again. Maybe this is a stupid idea. Very little has come from similar confessions in the past, but this time I shall over-explain myself intentionally and with enthusiasm.
The current focus happens to be an ex-girlfriend of mine from high school. She was my (second) shortest relationship, the one in which I was the least emotionally invested (it ended too soon for either of us to know the other, and I was a fucking idiot teenager), and easily the smartest girl I have ever dated.
Her name was Cathey. She was a shy freshman, I was a senior. I did all the corny things I thought was expected, like quoting Byron. Oh god. I didn't fuck up on a colossal scale or anything, we just never got very close and she ended it. It wasn't even that painful, and was easily over-shadowed by my mother's mental breakdown and subsequent hospitalization that very evening.
Enough about then. Now, she is a divorced mother of one. A beautiful and brilliant child. She graduated from UNC Chapel Hill and is now (I think) a teacher. She's a feminist, and a socialist, which I like, and has tolerable taste in music (What an elitist I am!). Seeing how she is now, I can't help but think that we would be a much better couple now than in high school. I have never before even considered a relationship with a parent. However, her relationship with her son inspires me. She's one of the best mothers I have ever seen. Maybe that is part of what attracts me to her; she is a single mother vastly out-performing my own (formerly) single mother. Well, she inspires me in every way. All of this will be explored in great detail with lots of thinking about cave-people and monkeys when I go about drafting my confession.
Edit: I'm starting to rethink this a bit. Not on a chickening-out level, but on a what's-my-exact-motivation level. I have seen evidence that I'm slipping into some detached nihilism, such as my morbid curiosity that is leading me to almost wish the nation would collapse, just so the Republicans (and the Democrats, for that matter) could finally see the cost of holding party loyalty over loyalty to the people they were elected to represent. I think this might be some emotional fire-sale, to prepare myself for the extreme detachment of feeling for the country as a whole, and everyone in it, myself included. I really don't know anymore.
tbc...
I reserve the right to chicken out and/or edit/delete this post at a later date.