(no subject)
if they only knew.
what i think, what i do, what i want to do, what i don't want to think. maybe they'd let up a little? or maybe they'd tell me to suck it up. that's what i tell myself, at least.
i don't want to admit it. i don't want to admit any of it, but it's really eating me alive. oh god the irony. bet you won't pick up on that one. i'm totally falling apart, and i'm holding it together as best i can because i'm afraid it will spiral out of control. i don't want it to spiral out of control, it's the only thing i'm good at. and every time i fuck something up, i think, ''if only....'' finish sentence. but i refuse to finish that sentence unless it's in my head. that's my problem. i'm afraid of what will happen if i finish it aloud.
in a way, this is all kind of bittersweet. i'm getting what i want, but i'm feeling bad as hell doing it. no, it's not a drug. no, i'm not a prostitute. i actually had somebody ask me that once when i paid for a $42 dvd in all $1's. this is a crazy way to live and i'm trying to live AROUND it. i want to be anything but IN it. i don't want to be involved, but i am, and i don't know what i did to deserve ANY of it. this thing, it started out as a simple attempt to make myself happier about myself. wow. that made alot of sense. but as it got more and more progressive, more and more successful, the worse i felt. the worse i felt, the more i felt i should be DOING. so that's exactly what i did. i did more, and it before i knew it, suddenly, i'm realizing, ''shit, what the hell am i doing? this is WRONG...'' but i liked it. well, in the beginning. then it got too intense and i wanted out, but i couldn't. literally, i COULDN'T. it was the only thing i was truly good at. it IS the only thing i'm truly good at. i refuse to believe otherwise, because it makes less and less sense every time somebody tells me i'm good at something. and GOD i want OUT NOW, but i'm SO SCARED to say anything. i don't want to burden people, i don't want to burden myself, but it this what i really want, so i better shut the fuck up and stick it out. quit complaining and be thankful i'm good at SOMETHING. but i'm scared of what it will turn out to be, because i've seen how bad this gets. somebody help? no. nobody help k thnx.!1. i can do this.
i can do it.
or can i?
and look, here i am complaining when i've got life better than half the world. dammit can i not be happy with ANYTHING?
what i think, what i do, what i want to do, what i don't want to think. maybe they'd let up a little? or maybe they'd tell me to suck it up. that's what i tell myself, at least.
i don't want to admit it. i don't want to admit any of it, but it's really eating me alive. oh god the irony. bet you won't pick up on that one. i'm totally falling apart, and i'm holding it together as best i can because i'm afraid it will spiral out of control. i don't want it to spiral out of control, it's the only thing i'm good at. and every time i fuck something up, i think, ''if only....'' finish sentence. but i refuse to finish that sentence unless it's in my head. that's my problem. i'm afraid of what will happen if i finish it aloud.
in a way, this is all kind of bittersweet. i'm getting what i want, but i'm feeling bad as hell doing it. no, it's not a drug. no, i'm not a prostitute. i actually had somebody ask me that once when i paid for a $42 dvd in all $1's. this is a crazy way to live and i'm trying to live AROUND it. i want to be anything but IN it. i don't want to be involved, but i am, and i don't know what i did to deserve ANY of it. this thing, it started out as a simple attempt to make myself happier about myself. wow. that made alot of sense. but as it got more and more progressive, more and more successful, the worse i felt. the worse i felt, the more i felt i should be DOING. so that's exactly what i did. i did more, and it before i knew it, suddenly, i'm realizing, ''shit, what the hell am i doing? this is WRONG...'' but i liked it. well, in the beginning. then it got too intense and i wanted out, but i couldn't. literally, i COULDN'T. it was the only thing i was truly good at. it IS the only thing i'm truly good at. i refuse to believe otherwise, because it makes less and less sense every time somebody tells me i'm good at something. and GOD i want OUT NOW, but i'm SO SCARED to say anything. i don't want to burden people, i don't want to burden myself, but it this what i really want, so i better shut the fuck up and stick it out. quit complaining and be thankful i'm good at SOMETHING. but i'm scared of what it will turn out to be, because i've seen how bad this gets. somebody help? no. nobody help k thnx.!1. i can do this.
i can do it.
or can i?
and look, here i am complaining when i've got life better than half the world. dammit can i not be happy with ANYTHING?