A Modesto Proposal
I’ve been hearing a lot of buzz about these Voluntary Extinctionists. Now this has got my brain in a veritable tizzy. I know that over population is a real and acute problem in our world-but a new one? Not by a long short. Now my good friend, Thomas Malthus, (I say “good friend” because it makes seem all well connected amongst the great thinkers-truth be told, Ol’ Tom’s been departed for about 200 years) had some pretty interesting talk on the subject. I love how everything old is new again. The thing I don’t get is why everyone over looks the obvious solution.
The basic premise of these Extinctionists is that if we, as a species, stop having babies, eventually we will die out, and that is good, right and salutary for to do. Now that’s just silly. The only ones that will die out, probably, are the ones not having sex. Now they might be exactly the same group (sour grapes anyone?), which would save us all a lot of trouble, but I’m scratching my head and thinking, well, um, haven’t we heard this abstinence is best policy before? Oh yeah, “Just say, ‘no thanks’, ‘I have a headache,’ and/or ‘I’m saving myself for after my second marriage.’” The other groups not procreating, monks, nuns and pedophiles (sorry for lumping them all together like that, it was, um, unintentional I assure you)-seem to have found a way to multiply asexually. Um, that is to say, they rarely have their own genetic children, um, that is to say they rarely claim to produce genetic off-spring. This may merit additional study, because it does fly in the face of traditional methods (one sperm, one egg, one big happy nuclear family), and I think would be hard pressed to conform to the Voluntary method of extinction. Now some far left radicals might call attention to the fact that dictating basic human functions like sex are not only pretty freakin’ hard to do, but raise grave ethical and moral issues. Pretty sure that the talk would be about producing a “super” race and the disparities among those allowed to reproduce et et et ad nasium. I know those liberals are a real pain in the ass.
See, I think they’ve got it all wrong, really. I think their working it from the wrong end of the continuum. The wrong end of the tally-whacker, as it were. What if instead of worrying so much about the front end, we take a little more off the back end? I mean, let’s face it, people are living longer. And judging from the line at the DMV, they’re driving longer too. This makes a huge mess for traffic in the morning when all I want to do is get to work and nurse my hang-over. They clog up the check out lines trying to make exact change with their bent, arthritic fingers; and let’s be frank, they totally over-whelm our ill-prepared health care system. With all those boomers coming of age, it’s time we take a hard look at how we’re going to deal with all those cranks in line at the bank, or talking to us at the gas pump about gout, or, shit, breathing my air. Yeah, MY air, because I’m still mostly young and pretty sure I am entitled to more than my share of resources. So, as I was saying, instead of trying to do something as difficult as provide free and universal birth control, funding women’s reproductive health and tackling issues of poverty, lofty goals though they may well be, let’s work on a real solution that will make life easier for all of us under, say, seventy.
Why seventy? Well, mostly it’s random, but after 70, really, is there much usefulness to society, really? Oh, I’m sure there are a few examples of people who did something wonderful to better mankind or made some great contribution or earned some great award, but truly these are exceptions. Most of us retire at 65 and wait around to, well, die, frankly. Sure we might take a vacation, contribute our meager savings and SSI checks to the gambling boats, but I think five years is plenty generous to be afforded these luxuries, after that, you’re a burden to the system and your families. Why not offer an alternative to the slow, wasting rot of old age? Go out in a blaze of glory and leave a less than pretty but not completely ravaged by time corpse?
So what my humble proposal consists of is not so much voluntary extinction, but something akin to it. Without boring anyone with the trivial details, other than to assure my gentle reader it would be painless, quick and very cost effective, I would suggest eliminating the top stratosphere of our population. I know there might be some objection to this idea, resistance even or possibly outrage, I think the reasonable mind will find this to be a more palatable and reasonable suggestion for population control. Of course this will offer immediate relief to the population crisis and sustainability over the course seems not unreasonable. We all die; knowing for sure when is a public service. Think of all the existential angst we could prevent! “When is my time up? Oh, next Thursday.” We would give all the procrastinators reason to finish their projects! This is surely not a new alternative, tipping my hat to Kurt Vonnegut, but mine offers a bit of a twist. Rather than just giving old folks a shove into the suicide box, let’s give them a vacation, on the house as it were. I think we could spare a few sunny spots where the elderly have already over-run the young sun bunnies. How about Modesto? Tampa? Flagstaff? We “requisition” a few cities, and ship off everyone on their birthdays. We treat them to a fantastic trip, accommodations-everything first glass-then after a pre-determined allotment, well, like I said, I’ll not be indelicate. We could make arrangements for couples to “travel” together thus relieving the youngsters of looking in on their respective bereaved parent. It’s a win-win.
Voluntary Extinction may be an admirable endeavor, but let’s face it, it’s not practical. If even in the Victorian Era with all its socially contrived mating disincentives off-springs were still produced, how in the world can anyone believe that as a species we can “voluntarily” and in numbers great enough to matter, control it in our current ultra-permissive culture? Rather than try to decrease our societal paradigm with mandates for reproduction cessation, let’s expand on our system of capitol punishment. I think this is a perfectly reasonable and expected outcropping of our existing values of both the aged and the care or lack there of for them. Trust me, this way is simpler for everyone.
The basic premise of these Extinctionists is that if we, as a species, stop having babies, eventually we will die out, and that is good, right and salutary for to do. Now that’s just silly. The only ones that will die out, probably, are the ones not having sex. Now they might be exactly the same group (sour grapes anyone?), which would save us all a lot of trouble, but I’m scratching my head and thinking, well, um, haven’t we heard this abstinence is best policy before? Oh yeah, “Just say, ‘no thanks’, ‘I have a headache,’ and/or ‘I’m saving myself for after my second marriage.’” The other groups not procreating, monks, nuns and pedophiles (sorry for lumping them all together like that, it was, um, unintentional I assure you)-seem to have found a way to multiply asexually. Um, that is to say, they rarely have their own genetic children, um, that is to say they rarely claim to produce genetic off-spring. This may merit additional study, because it does fly in the face of traditional methods (one sperm, one egg, one big happy nuclear family), and I think would be hard pressed to conform to the Voluntary method of extinction. Now some far left radicals might call attention to the fact that dictating basic human functions like sex are not only pretty freakin’ hard to do, but raise grave ethical and moral issues. Pretty sure that the talk would be about producing a “super” race and the disparities among those allowed to reproduce et et et ad nasium. I know those liberals are a real pain in the ass.
See, I think they’ve got it all wrong, really. I think their working it from the wrong end of the continuum. The wrong end of the tally-whacker, as it were. What if instead of worrying so much about the front end, we take a little more off the back end? I mean, let’s face it, people are living longer. And judging from the line at the DMV, they’re driving longer too. This makes a huge mess for traffic in the morning when all I want to do is get to work and nurse my hang-over. They clog up the check out lines trying to make exact change with their bent, arthritic fingers; and let’s be frank, they totally over-whelm our ill-prepared health care system. With all those boomers coming of age, it’s time we take a hard look at how we’re going to deal with all those cranks in line at the bank, or talking to us at the gas pump about gout, or, shit, breathing my air. Yeah, MY air, because I’m still mostly young and pretty sure I am entitled to more than my share of resources. So, as I was saying, instead of trying to do something as difficult as provide free and universal birth control, funding women’s reproductive health and tackling issues of poverty, lofty goals though they may well be, let’s work on a real solution that will make life easier for all of us under, say, seventy.
Why seventy? Well, mostly it’s random, but after 70, really, is there much usefulness to society, really? Oh, I’m sure there are a few examples of people who did something wonderful to better mankind or made some great contribution or earned some great award, but truly these are exceptions. Most of us retire at 65 and wait around to, well, die, frankly. Sure we might take a vacation, contribute our meager savings and SSI checks to the gambling boats, but I think five years is plenty generous to be afforded these luxuries, after that, you’re a burden to the system and your families. Why not offer an alternative to the slow, wasting rot of old age? Go out in a blaze of glory and leave a less than pretty but not completely ravaged by time corpse?
So what my humble proposal consists of is not so much voluntary extinction, but something akin to it. Without boring anyone with the trivial details, other than to assure my gentle reader it would be painless, quick and very cost effective, I would suggest eliminating the top stratosphere of our population. I know there might be some objection to this idea, resistance even or possibly outrage, I think the reasonable mind will find this to be a more palatable and reasonable suggestion for population control. Of course this will offer immediate relief to the population crisis and sustainability over the course seems not unreasonable. We all die; knowing for sure when is a public service. Think of all the existential angst we could prevent! “When is my time up? Oh, next Thursday.” We would give all the procrastinators reason to finish their projects! This is surely not a new alternative, tipping my hat to Kurt Vonnegut, but mine offers a bit of a twist. Rather than just giving old folks a shove into the suicide box, let’s give them a vacation, on the house as it were. I think we could spare a few sunny spots where the elderly have already over-run the young sun bunnies. How about Modesto? Tampa? Flagstaff? We “requisition” a few cities, and ship off everyone on their birthdays. We treat them to a fantastic trip, accommodations-everything first glass-then after a pre-determined allotment, well, like I said, I’ll not be indelicate. We could make arrangements for couples to “travel” together thus relieving the youngsters of looking in on their respective bereaved parent. It’s a win-win.
Voluntary Extinction may be an admirable endeavor, but let’s face it, it’s not practical. If even in the Victorian Era with all its socially contrived mating disincentives off-springs were still produced, how in the world can anyone believe that as a species we can “voluntarily” and in numbers great enough to matter, control it in our current ultra-permissive culture? Rather than try to decrease our societal paradigm with mandates for reproduction cessation, let’s expand on our system of capitol punishment. I think this is a perfectly reasonable and expected outcropping of our existing values of both the aged and the care or lack there of for them. Trust me, this way is simpler for everyone.