(no subject)
I envy him. In the way that no matter what happens in his life, there is a home that he can go to that has warmth and laughter and hugs and unconditional love. What is left of my broken family seems so unreachable to me, and even the replacement family I've tried to build around myself seems superficial and likely to crack at anytime.
I don't think I want a relationship for the sex or the desire or anything like that. I want someone I can turn, someone who can truly be called family. I want that so bad. To come home to affection; to have someone to love despite everything; someone to make happy and who can make me happy. It hurts that no-one else can fill that space for me, as much as I want them to. I don't even think they would know how. Maybe with other people, but not me. Because the people I'm trying to coax this familial affection from have families already, even if they hate them or are irritated by them. They still know that at the end of the day there is still a warm embrace to find, a house to find solace in.
The leftovers of my family are unfamiliar and strange, living in unfamiliar places. When Nanny finally sells her house there will be nothing of my childhood left. Nothing wonderfully familiar. Whenever I think of Dad's house, all I can think of is the room Mum died in.
All I want is something familiar, something comfortable, something unconditional. An embrace and a place to be that I don't have to spend hours convincing myself that it's okay to seek in the first place.
... someone to come to me for a change instead of me coming to them...
It's too bad that he wanted me to be the love and lust of his life, and I just wanted him to be my family. Doomed from the very beginning.
I don't think I want a relationship for the sex or the desire or anything like that. I want someone I can turn, someone who can truly be called family. I want that so bad. To come home to affection; to have someone to love despite everything; someone to make happy and who can make me happy. It hurts that no-one else can fill that space for me, as much as I want them to. I don't even think they would know how. Maybe with other people, but not me. Because the people I'm trying to coax this familial affection from have families already, even if they hate them or are irritated by them. They still know that at the end of the day there is still a warm embrace to find, a house to find solace in.
The leftovers of my family are unfamiliar and strange, living in unfamiliar places. When Nanny finally sells her house there will be nothing of my childhood left. Nothing wonderfully familiar. Whenever I think of Dad's house, all I can think of is the room Mum died in.
All I want is something familiar, something comfortable, something unconditional. An embrace and a place to be that I don't have to spend hours convincing myself that it's okay to seek in the first place.
... someone to come to me for a change instead of me coming to them...
It's too bad that he wanted me to be the love and lust of his life, and I just wanted him to be my family. Doomed from the very beginning.