Fighting
The thing about letting people in is that it's incredibly easy for them to hurt you without evern realising they are doing it. And it's just so easy to give fake excuses to explain the sadness away. I understand that this is her passive way of helping me through yet another break-down. But I don't want passive; I want someone in my face, making me rise to the occasion; to yell and scream at. Why do people think that yelling and screaming is so bad? I think it's good for the soul. But I'm surrounded by all these god damn passivists, who wouldn't know how to fight for something, even if they were the general in their own god damn army.
I fight. I kick, I scream and my god, I make scenes. Because if I don't, two things will happen: 1. People won't realise what's important to me, and 2. People would forget I even existed if I didn't.
Do you know what I really want? Someone who will fight for me. Someone who will see me as worth their time and effort to even fucking try to keep me around. That's not so hard, is it? Am I really that repulsive that it's easier to give up on me than put a little bit of effort in? I guess I should be used to it by now, but whenever I get reminded of it it starts hurting all over again.
And this comes back to my main point. When the people that let you in won't fight for you, what's the point? Mum didn't fight for me, Dad didn't even try fighting for me... Tom wont fight for me, I think Mhairi and Kath have given up (they just assume I'd coming running back like I normally do) on fighting for me if they even did in the first place, and person that I want to fight for me so much it kills me won't even try.
So what's the fucking point then? For fucks sakes, I'm crying again. I don't fucking need this.
I fight. I kick, I scream and my god, I make scenes. Because if I don't, two things will happen: 1. People won't realise what's important to me, and 2. People would forget I even existed if I didn't.
Do you know what I really want? Someone who will fight for me. Someone who will see me as worth their time and effort to even fucking try to keep me around. That's not so hard, is it? Am I really that repulsive that it's easier to give up on me than put a little bit of effort in? I guess I should be used to it by now, but whenever I get reminded of it it starts hurting all over again.
And this comes back to my main point. When the people that let you in won't fight for you, what's the point? Mum didn't fight for me, Dad didn't even try fighting for me... Tom wont fight for me, I think Mhairi and Kath have given up (they just assume I'd coming running back like I normally do) on fighting for me if they even did in the first place, and person that I want to fight for me so much it kills me won't even try.
So what's the fucking point then? For fucks sakes, I'm crying again. I don't fucking need this.