*mental breakdown*
soo, gunna be relying on this thing alot for the next lil while... atleast til shit gets figured out... either way havin a wee bit of a breakdown and need to vent, cause i have no one to vent to...
anyways, so lyndsay is off in waterloo this weekend with joel and pieter... and, was doin my best to try and not think about her, but then i hit times where i just sit and STARE at MSN trying to will her to come online... and today she did come on, twice, for a period of about 30 seconds each... now i can;t blame her for that, she offered for me to come to waterloo though i didn;t want to show up un-invited... she said i could come hang with mel cause mel likes me... but thus far she hasn;t spent any time with mel at all so that would have been clearly a bad call...
i also decided not to go because she wants to be single, and i'm not so sure how i can be with that... i am possesive, obsessive, and anything else you can think of... so i thought it would be a bad idea cause i'd just end up rippin either her, or myself apart... so i voted to stay home where the only person i can rip apart is me... so anyways, she's been online twice today for VERY short periods, and she seems so short with me... iunno, i know i'm just doing the same bullshit i always do but i can;t lie, right now i'm expecting her to come back and say "Joel and I are together now"... fuck, i hate joel, i really do but i never have the balls to stand up to him cause i always lose... been a few people i've met over my years at uni and he always finds his way in, and then pulls them away from me... ALWAYS, and now i'm really really afraid he's going to manage it with lyns, i KNOW he's trying... and i sent him an e-mail about it on friday cause that's when it was on my mind and i just couldn;t wait til sunday when i saw him again... but i mean, fuck, please god let lyndsay love me... if there was every anything i've ever prayed for, or prayed to, please just don;t let me lose her...
if she doesn;t want to ever date me again, i guess i'll have to live with that... it's a possability, it's usually what happens to me... but if she did start dating joel? i don;t think i could ever speak to her again... she hurt me dumping me the first time... she hurt me cheating with joel twice (though all in all i did have it coming)... she hurt me dumping me this time... now she's in waterloo and i KNOW joels going to be after her, and, i don;t think i've ever felt this way before i'm not even sure how to describe it... right now i honestly feel moderately suicidal... but the level of betrayal that would be? from both of them?... the lies, the, just, everything that it would involve... not sure i oculd ever talk to EITHER of them again, which would make my life fucking difficult as i live with joel... and lyndsays the only friend i've got...
i've really got to stop doing this, lyns doesn;t deserve this shit... though this post, as with my last one (not the lyrics) will be protected so she can;t read it... she doesn;t need this on her mind... if she's going to love me, i want to know that it's entirely her decision... not because i somehow pressured her into it... so for all it's worth: Lyndsay, i love you, please come back to me...
and now i hafta get off the computer, can;t stop thinkin about this crap... havn;t watched TV in ages, maybe i'll go try to remember why that is...
so i woulda much rathered talk to you about this to your face, but i didn;t really have time as i'm at home, and your in waterloo... and i wanna get this off my chest before sunday/monday... so here goes...
do you remember all the crap that you felt when the whole BS with mike fisher and devon was goin on?... i remember you tellin me all about it, not to mention the number of times you got plastered because of it, and well, more or less moved out for the same reasons... and well, now your doing that to me...
yeah i know mike fisher did it to you, and i know i did it to mike guthrie, but there's one important difference here, and that's that i thought you were my friend... i mean really, i never EVER pretended to like mike, ever... but you? you act like your my friend on one hand, hell i LIVE with you... and yet pretty much since i started dating lyns you've been stabbing me in the back the entire time trying to convince her to date you, let alone the other crap... and don;t think for a second lyns doesn;t tell me all the things you do and all the things you say to her... don;t try to tell me i'm wrong because i trust her not to lie to me, and i don't trust you...
sure lyns dumped me, so i don;t really have any right to tell you to back off... but i do still love her, and the entire point of this thing was so that she could have a break for a while to be single, and enjoy being single... you better believe that i hope she comes back to me, i havn;t given up on her yet... but i hafta re-cap here... she broke up with me to be SINGLE... not to have someone else after her, she NEEDS the space right now so just back off... not because i'm trying to claim her as my own or anything... but if you actually give the least bit of a damn about her then you hafta cut the bullshit... your fucking with her head, manipulating her, trying to decide things for her when all she wants to do right now is decide things on her own... if she decides she likes you better in the end? then all the more power to ya... but she's not deciding anything if you keep after her the way you are, and the way you have been...
and really, if you hate me that much, atleast have the balls to say it to my face and not try to pretend to be my best friend...
anyways, so lyndsay is off in waterloo this weekend with joel and pieter... and, was doin my best to try and not think about her, but then i hit times where i just sit and STARE at MSN trying to will her to come online... and today she did come on, twice, for a period of about 30 seconds each... now i can;t blame her for that, she offered for me to come to waterloo though i didn;t want to show up un-invited... she said i could come hang with mel cause mel likes me... but thus far she hasn;t spent any time with mel at all so that would have been clearly a bad call...
i also decided not to go because she wants to be single, and i'm not so sure how i can be with that... i am possesive, obsessive, and anything else you can think of... so i thought it would be a bad idea cause i'd just end up rippin either her, or myself apart... so i voted to stay home where the only person i can rip apart is me... so anyways, she's been online twice today for VERY short periods, and she seems so short with me... iunno, i know i'm just doing the same bullshit i always do but i can;t lie, right now i'm expecting her to come back and say "Joel and I are together now"... fuck, i hate joel, i really do but i never have the balls to stand up to him cause i always lose... been a few people i've met over my years at uni and he always finds his way in, and then pulls them away from me... ALWAYS, and now i'm really really afraid he's going to manage it with lyns, i KNOW he's trying... and i sent him an e-mail about it on friday cause that's when it was on my mind and i just couldn;t wait til sunday when i saw him again... but i mean, fuck, please god let lyndsay love me... if there was every anything i've ever prayed for, or prayed to, please just don;t let me lose her...
if she doesn;t want to ever date me again, i guess i'll have to live with that... it's a possability, it's usually what happens to me... but if she did start dating joel? i don;t think i could ever speak to her again... she hurt me dumping me the first time... she hurt me cheating with joel twice (though all in all i did have it coming)... she hurt me dumping me this time... now she's in waterloo and i KNOW joels going to be after her, and, i don;t think i've ever felt this way before i'm not even sure how to describe it... right now i honestly feel moderately suicidal... but the level of betrayal that would be? from both of them?... the lies, the, just, everything that it would involve... not sure i oculd ever talk to EITHER of them again, which would make my life fucking difficult as i live with joel... and lyndsays the only friend i've got...
i've really got to stop doing this, lyns doesn;t deserve this shit... though this post, as with my last one (not the lyrics) will be protected so she can;t read it... she doesn;t need this on her mind... if she's going to love me, i want to know that it's entirely her decision... not because i somehow pressured her into it... so for all it's worth: Lyndsay, i love you, please come back to me...
and now i hafta get off the computer, can;t stop thinkin about this crap... havn;t watched TV in ages, maybe i'll go try to remember why that is...
so i woulda much rathered talk to you about this to your face, but i didn;t really have time as i'm at home, and your in waterloo... and i wanna get this off my chest before sunday/monday... so here goes...
do you remember all the crap that you felt when the whole BS with mike fisher and devon was goin on?... i remember you tellin me all about it, not to mention the number of times you got plastered because of it, and well, more or less moved out for the same reasons... and well, now your doing that to me...
yeah i know mike fisher did it to you, and i know i did it to mike guthrie, but there's one important difference here, and that's that i thought you were my friend... i mean really, i never EVER pretended to like mike, ever... but you? you act like your my friend on one hand, hell i LIVE with you... and yet pretty much since i started dating lyns you've been stabbing me in the back the entire time trying to convince her to date you, let alone the other crap... and don;t think for a second lyns doesn;t tell me all the things you do and all the things you say to her... don;t try to tell me i'm wrong because i trust her not to lie to me, and i don't trust you...
sure lyns dumped me, so i don;t really have any right to tell you to back off... but i do still love her, and the entire point of this thing was so that she could have a break for a while to be single, and enjoy being single... you better believe that i hope she comes back to me, i havn;t given up on her yet... but i hafta re-cap here... she broke up with me to be SINGLE... not to have someone else after her, she NEEDS the space right now so just back off... not because i'm trying to claim her as my own or anything... but if you actually give the least bit of a damn about her then you hafta cut the bullshit... your fucking with her head, manipulating her, trying to decide things for her when all she wants to do right now is decide things on her own... if she decides she likes you better in the end? then all the more power to ya... but she's not deciding anything if you keep after her the way you are, and the way you have been...
and really, if you hate me that much, atleast have the balls to say it to my face and not try to pretend to be my best friend...