(no subject)
You know what I think the problem is?
I think it's the fact that getting good grades and doing well in school doesn't bring me any satisfaction anymore. I got an A on my last math quiz, only to (most likely) bomb the one I just took.
Nothing is certain anymore. I'm not certain of what I know or not, I just complete tasks to keep my grades "up". I used to have this overwhelming desire to constantly prove myself to people. The conscious thought that I had to prove that I am literate, smart, a good student... all of that has lost its meaning to me. I don't care what people think of me anymore or how they see me, so I no longer have this will to prove them wrong.
"You thought I was a drug user, well here you go! Proof that I'm not!"
"You thought I was a loser, but I get straight As!! Look at these college level classes I'm taking and getting As in! In Kindergarten, I had a ninth grade reading comprehension level!"
None of that matters to me anymore. I don't know what matters instead. I just live, day by day, and complain about how fucking stupid people are and how much I hate them. I am displeased that others are displeased. My teachers have lived at least thirty years on this earth and are still complaining like, well, high school kids, about "the media" and spewing "fuck the system", and phrases like "oppressive society", "dominant culture" and "the smog we all breathe".
I guess the smog is so fucking hazy around their bloodshot eyes that they don't see me wearing a gas mask. I feel like the only person I have to prove my worth to is to Neil and to myself and, well, maybe to my friends. However, because of that, because I know I am literate and educated, I don't supply any effort to prove it to my school or teachers. I allow myself to trick the teachers and put on a face about my terrible sexual assault and let them try to sway me with their "documentaries" so I can be their demonstration of patriarchal oppression or whatever they're trying to "prove" to us.
"We're giving you a new awareness!" An awareness of what a steaming heap of bull shit this is.
I keep feeling like I have to escape and run away and not let anyone else's thoughts cloud my own so that I can live my life. But then I try to think about what that really means. What does that mean?
What is my life, and what am I supposed to do with it?
I had dreams and goals, I guess, but not enough courage to attempt to put them out there. I have the dedication to my ideas but I'm so deathly shy and afraid of what others think.
There's the contradiction.
Maybe it's when I actually care about what's going on in my life that I want to prove it to the world. I want to show the world... what I can do.
Not what I'm forced to do.
But... If I cannot follow simple tasks... What can I do?
I think it's the fact that getting good grades and doing well in school doesn't bring me any satisfaction anymore. I got an A on my last math quiz, only to (most likely) bomb the one I just took.
Nothing is certain anymore. I'm not certain of what I know or not, I just complete tasks to keep my grades "up". I used to have this overwhelming desire to constantly prove myself to people. The conscious thought that I had to prove that I am literate, smart, a good student... all of that has lost its meaning to me. I don't care what people think of me anymore or how they see me, so I no longer have this will to prove them wrong.
"You thought I was a drug user, well here you go! Proof that I'm not!"
"You thought I was a loser, but I get straight As!! Look at these college level classes I'm taking and getting As in! In Kindergarten, I had a ninth grade reading comprehension level!"
None of that matters to me anymore. I don't know what matters instead. I just live, day by day, and complain about how fucking stupid people are and how much I hate them. I am displeased that others are displeased. My teachers have lived at least thirty years on this earth and are still complaining like, well, high school kids, about "the media" and spewing "fuck the system", and phrases like "oppressive society", "dominant culture" and "the smog we all breathe".
I guess the smog is so fucking hazy around their bloodshot eyes that they don't see me wearing a gas mask. I feel like the only person I have to prove my worth to is to Neil and to myself and, well, maybe to my friends. However, because of that, because I know I am literate and educated, I don't supply any effort to prove it to my school or teachers. I allow myself to trick the teachers and put on a face about my terrible sexual assault and let them try to sway me with their "documentaries" so I can be their demonstration of patriarchal oppression or whatever they're trying to "prove" to us.
"We're giving you a new awareness!" An awareness of what a steaming heap of bull shit this is.
I keep feeling like I have to escape and run away and not let anyone else's thoughts cloud my own so that I can live my life. But then I try to think about what that really means. What does that mean?
What is my life, and what am I supposed to do with it?
I had dreams and goals, I guess, but not enough courage to attempt to put them out there. I have the dedication to my ideas but I'm so deathly shy and afraid of what others think.
There's the contradiction.
Maybe it's when I actually care about what's going on in my life that I want to prove it to the world. I want to show the world... what I can do.
Not what I'm forced to do.
But... If I cannot follow simple tasks... What can I do?