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[lime_gl0wstix]

I hate being on the computer and typing all the time. I want to be with people. I want to hear their voices from their lips straight to my ears, no digital middleman. I'd like to go hiking, to get back to nature, and to go camping again. Maybe the forest this time.

I hope going to June Lake again this year will do me some good. The problem

Comments

[reivena]

Perhaps the turmoil you feel is greater than the artwork itself. You say you feel embarrassment over your works, are ashamed to display it (here you say over people perceiving it having 'fan art'-like qualities, not the skill level or technical merits of it), afraid of what others think of the symbolism involved, etc. From what you described, while you say blank slates are bothersome and drive you towards a desire to fill them/to have a tactile experience with materials, it otherwise largely sounds as if you have pursued art largely for non-creative expression, but rather:
>I was a little bit better at drawing than my peers and they praised me for it, so I did what I thought people liked me for
>I got pleasure from drawing because it was validated and because I liked making things that people liked.
Check spelling during preview
>people liked me for doing it
>I feel guilty about being that involved in myself, stroking my own ego
>I would rather make art and have it be appreciated

Perhaps the issue is that you are too consumed over how others may perceive you or think about you. You may be so consumed over making others "happy" or receiving "appreciation" and "validation" through your work that it has slowed your progress as an artist. Your concern over how others may view the topics you explore and how your works benefit others could be your artistic block that is metaphorically chaining you down. In this sense your art wouldn't have a "purpose" in the sense of expression of the subject matter it contains, but your purpose seeks types of expression that will give you the greatest validation from others. With such a level of pressure and expectation, I expect it is going to be very difficult to break from these restraints and thought processes without some sort of outside help or guidance. The deeper issues relating to self-esteem are evident in your last comment as well:
>I feel I am sick of myself
>I feel I am a one-trick pony

Art is a strange field to go into as it requires one to be intensely introspective, expressionistic, insightful towards emotion and symbolism and technique and yet at the same time thick-skinned and unfettered by criticism. Very quickly, you have to develop an odd self-assurance, continuing to press on and work through continual negative commentary of the works that are sure to keep rolling in. The way you perceived your classmates interpretations of your work suggests again, being overly consumed with how others view you and issues of self-esteem. It also might point, to me, a lack of deep training in critical analysis via the art program at your school (in regards to your peers, not you). Art isn't supposed to just be boring shit like Georgia O'Keeffes and still lifes of fruit and flowers. Heaven forbid you select objects that make others think outside the box. Art isn't merely about recreating a scene or expressing a viewpoint, but can also entail MAKING people uncomfortable and inspiring them to step outside of their comfort zone. Considering these things, it's bizarre that your peers - supposed artists - would feel uncomfortable over the selection of your items.

I've only been to one or two photography exhibits and I would never compare you and your work to a photographer's. I think I've made it very clear over the years how I feel about 99.999999999% of photograph[y/ers]. Any other creative format (it is admittedly painful for me to lump most photography in with 'creative') can take blood, sweat and literal tears and dozens of hours of thankless toiling to construct one image. I have been to many fine art and design shows however, and these almost always were based on a theme. I wouldn't view artistic works focused on raving as a "cop out" or "expected," but rather a stepping stone towards further self-exploration.

Perhaps, then, the remedy relies in focusing on issues relating to self-esteem?

(Also, I'm sorry if any of this comes across as too blunt/strongly worded - you know better than most I have issues with people finding me too objective/straight to the point, but I say these things because I care for you lots and through my limited experiences and insights, would help you in any way I knew how.)

[reivena]

also fuk off livechornal for throwan in incorrect spelchek informations into my posts ok

[lime_gl0wstix]

that's what I mean. I don't care about my own inner world enough to make anything of it. There isn't much going on in there anyway. I would rather be able to affect and be around other people than needlessly seal myself away to masturbate on a canvas.
I know I have an ego but I try my best to keep it to myself. No one has to see that shit. There just isn't anything that I can do that thousands of people can't already do better, so there's really no point in me attempting art any longer except that it's the only thing I'm kind of good at, at least enough to scrape away with a degree.

[reivena]

Can you still achieve that degree, and get a second major that would enable you to find work in something helping people?

Example, Jesi is going into human services/social work, which requires only an associate's.

[reivena]

>There just isn't anything that I can do that thousands of people can't already do better
That can be applied to literally anything and everything. Like, you may as well just stay awake forever and not go to bed ever again because I sleep more efficiently than you.
wat
The development of any skill/knowledge takes effort. Honestly, I feel a strange comfort in knowing there are people better than I am at any aspect of my skills.

[lime_gl0wstix]

David Hadlock had said that art is a mixture of engineering and masturbation. I am too stupid for the first and don't care for the second.

[reivena]

I would say art is 95% marketing and 5% art - if you want to make a living doing it, anyway. Unfortunately, college courses barely touch on this (if at all) which is why so many people with these degrees end up being the "starving artists." Colleges often don't approach how one exactly goes about marketing themselves, the business end of art, how a person has to commercialize themselves in a way to actually make a living doing this, let alone the entire change in mindset one has to make to harden themselves to live this type of life.

Statistically, I've seen that it's more probable for a person to become a neurosurgeon than to become successful as an artist, which makes it all the more imperative that as much effort and commitment is placed into honing this craft as is possible.

The masturbation part could come in for when you make works for yourself, sure.

[lime_gl0wstix]

I don't make works for myself. If I do, they're journalistic, and I rarely show them. That's my main reasoning behind wanting to make works for other people. But I figure I should devote my time to something better, I guess, since art doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere or bringing me any happiness.

[reivena]

Also, that was my retarded ass not being logged in.