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[lime_gl0wstix]

I hate being on the computer and typing all the time. I want to be with people. I want to hear their voices from their lips straight to my ears, no digital middleman. I'd like to go hiking, to get back to nature, and to go camping again. Maybe the forest this time.

I hope going to June Lake again this year will do me some good. The problem

Comments

[lime_gl0wstix]

Cutting oneself off from others has the potential to do wonders for self-improvement, but I had no fulfilled that potential. It is a selfish and solitary pursuit indeed, and it is in this mindset that I feel no need to create art. I don't want to be selfish and alone; I want to be with people and affect people. This near-narcissism is what prevents me from making art. I feel guilty about being that involved in myself, stroking my own ego. I would rather make art and have it be appreciated because at least then I reach out to people.

I don't know what I would create even if I could do it all (well, you know, aside from him. I would like to make a life-size sculpture of him indeed). That's my current major setback. I don't know what I'd want my art to look like, what I'd want it to say, or even what medium it would be. I have nothing to say. My art has no purpose and I have nothing to express. If I limit myself to freelance, at least then my art would have a purpose in that my skills were useful for someone.

I don't have any "greatest works". There are minimal things I have created throughout all my years of drawing that I am necessarily "proud" of or would display as examples of my "art". There are a few things here and there I enjoy but nothing one would deem portfolio-worthy. Next semester I'll be forced to compile a portfolio and there's absolutely nothing-not a single work-I would happily include. This is my problem. I don't think I should be an artist if I have nothing to say.

[reivena]

I personally do not care at all how my art is interpreted, if it brings joy (or any other emotion) to anyone else, how its existence may affect others in some way, or how someone's view or opinion of me may change upon viewing my art. I realize I am the most selfish type of artist for the fact that I create my art only to please myself, which is generally connected to me releasing a certain emotional state or obsessive image I can't get out of my mind. I have to be narcissistic in this or else I would cease creating art. In doing freelance, I typically have zero emotional attachment to whatever it is I'm creating; with freelance illustrations, it quickly becomes a chore and ultimately angers or depresses me. This is why my freelance has become web development, as it's difficult to become emotionally bothered over lines of code (save for something not loading right, but this sparks a different part of my brain). It is rare that an idea for an illustration is presented before me that I think is innovative, intriguing and interesting enough to spark my emotional involvement in it, and thus I have turned down a lot of proposals over the years. (Realistically, I'd sooner put those hours into web, which pays me better, and I can't fathom spending 20+ hours painting some dude's cat surrounded by cherubim anyway.) I guess I have some skill in programming and design or else strangers would not seek me out, but I view this as a completely different field than doing true art for people (illustration). Perhaps you could similarly branch off into something else - not suggesting you should go so separate a direction away from the canvas, but involve yourself more heavily in some other tactile form of creativity for awhile. Sculpture? Beadwork? Calligraphy? Sewing? Even fooling around with a music instrument?

What I was intending to try to get at with that really long-winded background is that I do not know much about how to proceed with the type of art you want to make, or rather, the type of response you seek to receive from how others would view your art. I've never approached illustrative work with the intent or desire that it would bring me closer to people, in consideration on how it would affect them, or even to receive some type of ego boost in return for positive commentary on it from others.

>I would rather make art and have it be appreciated because at least then I reach out to people.
I would make the inexperienced assumption that fine art/illustrative achievements in this would entail creating works in a specific theme or subject matter that would strike a chord with others (e.g., feminism/women's rights, minorities, that demons are fucking awesome [which may get a lot of the religious folks pissed with you but hey, you'd have pagan/satanist fans anyway!]). If the cause you choose is one you fight for as well, it could be really rewarding for both yourself and others in a mutually uplifting relationship.

>I want to be with people and affect people.
The limited experience I have with this was when I taught art to Girl Scouts for a few summers and ran arts and crafts at a few YMCA summer camps. Have you considered working in that area of art? I know some people I went to school with who did similar things at nursing homes for awhile. I have a friend from high school who's become an art therapist. I'm not sure of what other employment as an artist is that specific to directly, and repeatedly, make you aware that others appreciate you at so high a level.

Is there something stopping you from making a life-size sculpture of him, or at the very least, picking up some clay and starting off with a bust?
What's stopping you from creating a portfolio/art showing based on him? (A lot of artists have portfolios/art shows on a very narrow subject matter, or only one topic.)

[reivena]

[Exceeded the limit, part 2]

If you don't already do this, the most I can say otherwise is to have a folder on your computer filled with artworks whose style you enjoy. It doesn't necessarily have to be a style you want to specifically strive for, but can help you further clarify for yourself what paths you might consider going down and which ones you're going to avoid. You can even save photos, magazine and newspaper clippings of things you like which could also be things you consider representative of yourself which may help you to further define what you might want to create/illustrate or what style of work might better fit those interests. While I have a folder on my computer that's been growing for years, quite a few of these inspirational things I also put on my Tumblr; it's why there's such a wide range of styles, palettes and subject matter there.

You could make an art show/portfolio based on ONE thing or area of your life you use to identify yourself to others. What about a portfolio/showing related to raves? You could do a ton of small portraits of your rave friends. You could draw the lighting system or room before it's set up, empty and unlit. You could do a "group portrait" but from the knees down, only showing their huge pants and fluffies. You can illustrate individual pieces of kandi, entire arm(s)fuls, two hands clasped together mid-trade, a pair of shoes a raver might wear, glowsticks, etc. It could be an interesting subject matter because it's a subculture that's especially misunderstood right now, and not only would ravers likely appreciate the representation of them, but identifying parts of the culture could increase understanding from the rest of society.

I think you do have a lot to say. Perhaps the issue is not knowing which of these things speaks the loudest to you, or which of these things you want to present to the world first.

[and mfw this site tells me that "glowsticks" is not a word, and asked "did you mean Cost-co?"]

[reivena]

Lastly, art doesn't even need to have a subject matter or specific intent. You CAN create art with the sole purpose of examining how mediums combine or change on the canvas. For example, Jackson Pollock made paintings that people can't distinguish apart from bird shit and that guy became a hojillionaire whose works are widely enjoyed. http://reverent.org/pollock_or_birds.html

[lime_gl0wstix]

I want to let you know I read all of this and I really appreciate your input :> I need a while to think of a response, however. There are a lot of feelings in me right now and I'm not sure how to convey them other than I feel that I am sick of myself. It's true that I love raving and him and monsters and all of that but I feel like a one-trick pony. If I made a bunch of pieces on raves, to me it would feel like copping out, like I can't think of anything so I just default to some bullshit. Even though I enjoyed the Beauty and the Beast pieces I was pretty embarrassed to show them because, to me, it was like turning in fan art as an assignment. I felt the same way about my midterm oil painting of the skulls, Crack, etc. Nobody knew what to think of it and everyone thought it was just weird, and I felt like it was stupid that I couldn't paint something of artistic integrity or whatnot. Like some other people painted their anime figurines and I thought that was stupid. "Oooh, look how much I like animu!" Sure it's fine that they like something, but to paint a picture of merchandise of someone else's creation just seemed derivative; fan art.

Don't get me wrong. I love the shit out of raving and raver/candy kid culture. It's an integral part of my life and my personality and I'm extremely passionate about it, but I don't think I could make anything of value from it. I don't really know how to describe it except that it seems juvenile or almost expected of me. I fear becoming a caricature, like how Tim Burton's artwork and style has become a brand/cliche. Not that I'll ever be on par with Burton, but you get the idea. My work would be one dimensional. Everything you described for a raving exhibit sounds more like photography.

[reivena]

Perhaps the turmoil you feel is greater than the artwork itself. You say you feel embarrassment over your works, are ashamed to display it (here you say over people perceiving it having 'fan art'-like qualities, not the skill level or technical merits of it), afraid of what others think of the symbolism involved, etc. From what you described, while you say blank slates are bothersome and drive you towards a desire to fill them/to have a tactile experience with materials, it otherwise largely sounds as if you have pursued art largely for non-creative expression, but rather:
>I was a little bit better at drawing than my peers and they praised me for it, so I did what I thought people liked me for
>I got pleasure from drawing because it was validated and because I liked making things that people liked.
Check spelling during preview
>people liked me for doing it
>I feel guilty about being that involved in myself, stroking my own ego
>I would rather make art and have it be appreciated

Perhaps the issue is that you are too consumed over how others may perceive you or think about you. You may be so consumed over making others "happy" or receiving "appreciation" and "validation" through your work that it has slowed your progress as an artist. Your concern over how others may view the topics you explore and how your works benefit others could be your artistic block that is metaphorically chaining you down. In this sense your art wouldn't have a "purpose" in the sense of expression of the subject matter it contains, but your purpose seeks types of expression that will give you the greatest validation from others. With such a level of pressure and expectation, I expect it is going to be very difficult to break from these restraints and thought processes without some sort of outside help or guidance. The deeper issues relating to self-esteem are evident in your last comment as well:
>I feel I am sick of myself
>I feel I am a one-trick pony

Art is a strange field to go into as it requires one to be intensely introspective, expressionistic, insightful towards emotion and symbolism and technique and yet at the same time thick-skinned and unfettered by criticism. Very quickly, you have to develop an odd self-assurance, continuing to press on and work through continual negative commentary of the works that are sure to keep rolling in. The way you perceived your classmates interpretations of your work suggests again, being overly consumed with how others view you and issues of self-esteem. It also might point, to me, a lack of deep training in critical analysis via the art program at your school (in regards to your peers, not you). Art isn't supposed to just be boring shit like Georgia O'Keeffes and still lifes of fruit and flowers. Heaven forbid you select objects that make others think outside the box. Art isn't merely about recreating a scene or expressing a viewpoint, but can also entail MAKING people uncomfortable and inspiring them to step outside of their comfort zone. Considering these things, it's bizarre that your peers - supposed artists - would feel uncomfortable over the selection of your items.

I've only been to one or two photography exhibits and I would never compare you and your work to a photographer's. I think I've made it very clear over the years how I feel about 99.999999999% of photograph[y/ers]. Any other creative format (it is admittedly painful for me to lump most photography in with 'creative') can take blood, sweat and literal tears and dozens of hours of thankless toiling to construct one image. I have been to many fine art and design shows however, and these almost always were based on a theme. I wouldn't view artistic works focused on raving as a "cop out" or "expected," but rather a stepping stone towards further self-exploration.

Perhaps, then, the remedy relies in focusing on issues relating to self-esteem?

(Also, I'm sorry if any of this comes across as too blunt/strongly worded - you know better than most I have issues with people finding me too objective/straight to the point, but I say these things because I care for you lots and through my limited experiences and insights, would help you in any way I knew how.)

[reivena]

also fuk off livechornal for throwan in incorrect spelchek informations into my posts ok

[lime_gl0wstix]

that's what I mean. I don't care about my own inner world enough to make anything of it. There isn't much going on in there anyway. I would rather be able to affect and be around other people than needlessly seal myself away to masturbate on a canvas.
I know I have an ego but I try my best to keep it to myself. No one has to see that shit. There just isn't anything that I can do that thousands of people can't already do better, so there's really no point in me attempting art any longer except that it's the only thing I'm kind of good at, at least enough to scrape away with a degree.

[reivena]

Can you still achieve that degree, and get a second major that would enable you to find work in something helping people?

Example, Jesi is going into human services/social work, which requires only an associate's.

[reivena]

>There just isn't anything that I can do that thousands of people can't already do better
That can be applied to literally anything and everything. Like, you may as well just stay awake forever and not go to bed ever again because I sleep more efficiently than you.
wat
The development of any skill/knowledge takes effort. Honestly, I feel a strange comfort in knowing there are people better than I am at any aspect of my skills.

[lime_gl0wstix]

David Hadlock had said that art is a mixture of engineering and masturbation. I am too stupid for the first and don't care for the second.

[lime_gl0wstix]

I would say art is 95% marketing and 5% art - if you want to make a living doing it, anyway. Unfortunately, college courses barely touch on this (if at all) which is why so many people with these degrees end up being the "starving artists." Colleges often don't approach how one exactly goes about marketing themselves, the business end of art, how a person has to commercialize themselves in a way to actually make a living doing this, let alone the entire change in mindset one has to make to harden themselves to live this type of life.

Statistically, I've seen that it's more probable for a person to become a neurosurgeon than to become successful as an artist, which makes it all the more imperative that as much effort and commitment is placed into honing this craft as is possible.

The masturbation part could come in for when you make works for yourself, sure.

[lime_gl0wstix]

I don't make works for myself. If I do, they're journalistic, and I rarely show them. That's my main reasoning behind wanting to make works for other people. But I figure I should devote my time to something better, I guess, since art doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere or bringing me any happiness.

[reivena]

Also, that was my retarded ass not being logged in.