On Gender, renaming, and being a slut
On Thursday I finally met Nate Bixby. When I did a natural building internship with Deanne a few years ago, Deanne told me about him, someone I could connect with closer to home, doing sustainability stuff in New Haven. We'd tried to arrange a date to get together but our plans always fell through - this time, when my mom's car wouldn't start, that almost happened again, but AAA arrived in time and I was able to meet him at an Afghan restaurant in Worcester. I'd never had Afghan food: it seems pretty much a hybrid of Middle Eastern and Indian food. It was my first real social interaction after the Outlaws retreat, so I was a little bit closed, a bit nervous. Here I was meeting someone I'd known online for years and I wanted to make a good impression! I was also meeting a guy, something I'm not so used to - though I identify as female, I also really do want to fit in with the guys. I like when guys can see my masculine parts and feminine parts and commune with my masculine parts, if that makes any sense! I've thought of joining men's groups, though something about that never felt completely right - like I'd be hiding this secret that I didn't really feel like a man at all, and fearing that if I felt that way, I wouldn't be welcome. Lately Denae has been talking about wanting to be just one of the guys, and I guess I can identify as female and feel the same way. I want to be able to relate to men without always having to put on such a mask with them, and without the awkwardness on their part of not knowing what to do with someone who looks male but calls herself Lily.
We had a very good meal and the beginnings of some good conversations in the 90 minutes or so we got to talk. He told me how much he loved my Luna Lovegood icon on Facebook (I liked it too; I may have to bring it back.) He said, completely seriously, head tilted downward with a sort of regret and longing in his voice, “She's the girl I've always wanted to be with...” It was kind of awesome hearing that from a 54 year old guy. We talked abut a sense of ramping up in synchronicity over the last few years, and whether it's just our own personal evolutions or something bigger going on in the consciousness of humanity. A Celestine Prophecy sort of consciousness. Everything that's happening with me - this growing in shamanic, indigenous consciousness, kundalini, you might say, or who I really am - it didn't come out of the culture. It was like I've been called by something deeper, from within this culture, to transcend it and somehow serve to heal it. And, that somehow some deeper something may be calling us forth to be what our culture would never let us be... that it may have some stake in how things turn out... that's comforting. And it seems that so many others are having the same sorts of experiences, of a sort of calling that seems to transcend the very culture in which we were conditioned...
We talked about how our organism works better when our heart is allowed to lead, when the mind is a tool in service of the heart, whereas we are trained to put our mind first. Nate told me he was experiencing me as very yin, and I tried to understand this: he talked about how, though from one perspective something may be yang, for example -- a wave crashing upon a beach -- this is only perspective. There is something behind the wave, pushing it, and from this perspective the wave is perceived as yin. Then he had me put my hand against his, and we moved them around, played with pushing against each other, giving and taking, yin and yang, and then I found something inside of me push. He had been asking me what I like to do and I didn't know how to take the question. I took it as a question he wanted me to answer in a certain way, not an open invitation - and I really didn't have the psychic energy to explore myself much at the time. But then it just came out of me, that I want to hold space for people to grow, to be nurtured, to love and be loved, to celebrate life. He said he noticed my energy totally change when I said this, and he said excitedly, "Hello!! Good to meet you!!!" I had finally spoken my truth. "We need space-holders in this world," he said.
He also pointed out how elusive it is, how people don't get the importance of it, or see that anything's actually happening. I told him about how I am with children and animals, how I sense we communicate on such deep levels, levels where so much of what really matters happens, where real healing happens -- and yet, I don't know if anyone else is aware of what is happening. It's happening on a level that can't really be seen. And the world would be such a better place I think if this kind of unseen work were valued, if our economy didn't need to substantiate everything. So, that's the struggle: living into a calling where your work is powerful but can't be seen or even appreciated even sometimes by the recipients of it. Where the benefits can't be laid out in bulletpoints... and yet, just spending a day with a child and letting him/her/hir be exactly who they are... that's the most valuable work I know how to do...
He also asked me, "Are you transitioning?" It was a scary thing to talk about, and which I'll be more open to next time, because I can see he flowed with it, didn't require me to explain myself. He talked like it was the most natural thing in the world about a friend's son who used to be her daughter. Partly it's scary to talk about this stuff because I don't trust men. I fear being ostracized even by men that I respect. I guess I feel a bit of shame that I didn't turn out to be a “real man.” Men probably are much less likely to get this sort of thing.
Transitioning also is a tricky thing for me: for me the term is loaded. I am who I am and I don't need to change my body in order to affirm my gender identity. I changed my name -- that's a sort of transition -- and I wear some more feminine clothes now, which is also a transition. Is there a beginning point or an end point? Is there a final goal? The goal is certainly not to pass in every way as society's narrow definition of a girl. I don't have anything to prove to anybody. I don't need to fit into another box. As far as whether I will take hormones, that might be clearer a bit down the road -- I do wonder if my energy will feel more right if I have hormones balanced corresponding to my gender identity. A lot of people seem to have amazing even spiritual experiences with this.
And then, I kind of feel like I should have breasts. I think that's what I miss most. Maybe that's partly why I pierced my nipples -- unconsciously to make up for something that should be there that's missing. It was a whole rite of passage thing, so much more than that, but maybe it's part. I'm pretty okay with my genatalia. It would be easier to have a sort of receptive sexuality with a vagina but it's not something that I sorely miss. I do have the parts for receptive sexuality (and I was just talking with a Jei, a F2M friend who wants a penis, and I realize, I can use my parts to be receptive or penetrate, but he can't use his to penetrate...) I sometimes wonder if there's any connection between this gender stuff and kundalini -- because Kundalini is often active in just the place that a vagina would be. The way I can bring the energy up into my body during orgasm feels very feminine to me. And I do have a clitoris. How you name things makes a big difference. And I'm happier with my parts, I appreciate them more, when I name them appropriately. And, when I think of it that way, hmm, maybe I actually have a pussy, too - we'll see, I don't think I'm there yet.
Then I went to Spiritual Haze, the hookah bar in Worcester, with Kit and Denae. It was nice to hang out with both of them together; sometimes I feel a little self-conscious with Denae alone, like I'm not sure what she wants or how to respond to her, but I feel like a comfort is building when it's the three of us together. It was an amazing conversation. Kit just came back from I don't know how long in Chicago and she's here for 14 days. Her first night back, she and Denae call me and ask if I want to go to the hookah bar, which I introduced Kit to before she left.
She said she wanted to thank me, because it was experiences she had with me, like leaving at 3 am to the beach to watch the sunrise, and going to Firefly, that shifted something in her and helped her realize she could be more. That she didn't have to stay in Marlborough, that she could go to Chicago, that she could apply to college. I had no idea I had anything to do with it! I guess we so often don't know the effect we have on people's lives. I'm wondering if I had anything to do with her deciding to use the name Kit, that she didn't want to go by Sammi anymore. It's odd how Denae and I have been having discussions about gender, too - I didn't think this was a thing for her - and coming more and more into her maleness. Now, sometimes, when she feels like a boy, she goes by Alfred. More on that in a bit...
I remember after I got back from the hospital, shortly after Kit left for Chicago a few years ago, I didn't hear from her or get responses to my texts. I was starting to fear that she wanted nothing to do with me - that she noticed I was socially awkward, that I didn't seem to like to dance and party as much as she did, etc. So many stories we have about how things are that are just wrong. She had just gotten a new phone, that's all. Now, at the hookah bar, she tells me how she'd met a few people online, and mostly it was awkward and she didn't want anything to do with them. And then there was me. We met in a cafe, and she kind of talked and talked about her life and said how nice it was because she didn't get to do it so often; now, she tells me that she just felt some sort of trust and comfort with me immediately, and she didn't expect to go off like that... but it was because something about me made her feel she could reveal herself... I didn't know that, either. And I remember at Firefly, walking with her in a field one night, she saying she didn't know why, but it was like she was meant to meet me. To think in some ways I sort of changed the course of the life of someone I didn't think I'd affected at all... that probably happens to a lot of us a lot more often than we think...
She and Denae have been so good about calling me Lily, and Denae even asked me a couple nights ago which pronoun I would prefer. I just can't believe having so many people in my life who get it, no need for explanation. And then, a subtle sense that I have been a catalyst for others exploring their own gender issues. Kit said that the name Lily suits me far better than Jason, actually - and I remember how silly I felt when it first occurred to me to try on the name Lily! She said I seem more settled in myself with the name, like it allows me to be more me. And it does. More of me feels welcome to come out and play when I'm Lily. I feel this little burst of love in the name every time someone calls me that. Far from the tenseness and “who do they want me to be?” feeling when someone uses my given name. Somehow, it's me. I can't imagine feeling this connection with any other name on the planet. Over the years I've tried on some of my favourite male names but they never felt right. And I'm not sure there are many female names that would feel accurate either, but Lily is just beyond right. It's amazing what a difference a name makes, how powerful it is. I feel my identity shifting. At night I when I'm sleeping I can feel my body adjusting to Lily energy and leaving Jason energy behind. Leaving those old stories behind. I've gotten back in touch with Amy, and somehow, being Lily now has made it much easier. I don't have to identify as much with how she hurt me, with all the good times we had together, because that was him, not me. Choosing a new name has been like cutting a karmic cord to a lot of stuff that hurt me and bound me in the past. It's amazing how well that works.
The more risks I take with self-expression, with being myself, the more others seem to see and appreciate me. Well, those who matter do. I've struggled with this: in a sense, I want to be able to relate to the whole world, to be able to offer something to everyone. I want to write a book that all sorts of people will read. It's a story I tell myself: in order to really make a difference in this world, I can't just be some fringe freak, I need to have "broad appeal." And that, first of all, is never going to happen. I don't need to change the world from the middle. The more I come into myself, the more I feel distanced from the mainstream world, the less I feel like I need to be there because I belong with my particular tribe. I don't need to be able to relate to everyone; in the eyes of so much of humanity, I don't belong, but that's them. That's maybe some of my fear with this shamanic consciousness emerging: fear of being judged and so not heard on the merits of what I actually have to offer. Fear that people will see me as fluffy or out of touch, fear of not being able to make a difference because I'm perceived as too different. Fear of not being taken seriously. Fear of people really being receptive to what I have to offer, but then because of one thing - gender identity or consciousness of energy or whatever - shutting me off.
This story that I don't belong is sometimes so pervasive, but spending time with friends makes such a huge difference. They are models for me, that I can belong as just who I am. Kit was telling a story about her friend Gypsy. A guy came up to her and - I missed the details - but told her she was overweight. Her response was one of relief. She simply laughed and said, “Oh, that's it?! I thought it was something important!” To me it's so powerful to see models of people who are able to do that, who are able to deflect the prejudice and judgment of society. I'm not always so good at that. Seeing people who don't take it personally helps me to be okay with more of who I am, too...
I was feeling like I wanted affection, especially in the vacuum post-retreat, and - well, with all the learning that happened on retreat, I decided to simply put it out there and ask for what I needed. Kit, Denae and I had plans to see the Lord of the Rings trilogy marathon in the cinema and so I texted Denae, mentioned that I was feeling like I really wanted to be held, and asked if she would be open to that at the movie. Her response was, well, I kind of wished I hadn't asked. Something like, “I don't know. I think I'm all right with it.” I kind of wanted to say, in more tactful language, “If you're not 100% sure you want to give that, then I don't want it.” It just feels yucky and condescending to get something from someone who's doing something half-assedly and not because they want to. But good to get this out in the open early rather than face the possibility of struggling with this conflict throughout the movies! We're watching them, and she takes my hand during certain parts of the movie, but not much touching is happening. I assume it's because she doesn't really want to, though there is some reaching out from her, so at one point, when the desire for affection has really built up, I ask, “Would it be okay if I get a little closer?” Her response here wasn't so comforting either. “Yeah,” she says, shrugging, almost defensive, seeming kind of flustered. During the movie wasn't the best time to negotiate and make sure it was a solid yes, so I just kind of put my head on her shoulder and snuggled a bit, paying attention for any sign that she might be uncomfortable. I'm snuggled on her shoulder and holding her hand, and soon I'm closer, we're holding both hands, or caressing each other's faces, slowly getting more and more comfortable with each other's bodies. I can tell she's really enjoying it now. She's actually being a little bit assertive: I move my hand, and she moves it right back to where she wants it, on her shoulder near her neck. I like this! I can feel her wanting to kiss me, and then she does, and we start making out. Short sessions followed by more cuddles.
She had wanted to kiss me before, and I reluctantly agreed - it was a short, awkward kiss - I wanted to kiss her, too, but I was afraid of what kissing her would mean to her. When I was at Georgina's dorm at Harvard, she went down on me, and well, when I left her dorm that night she asked me if I would go out with her. I felt like I had to say yes because of what had just happened. So I'm a bit concerned that my love of affection and kind of free-love spirit could get me in trouble; I could trap myself in a relationship that I don't want, I could break someone's heart. This time, I'm okay with it, as I feel better boundaries around Denae than I did before, and she mentioned how open she is about kissing - to her it doesn't necessarily mean she wants to be in a relationship either. Throughout it all, I kept analyzing: does she want this, does she want that, what will this mean to her, what will that mean to her? Then I realized that I could just go with it, be in the moment, and it was so much better, so beautiful. Later she texted me, “Just wondering... did you mean that platonically?” I didn't know how to answer because I don't think that way. I was as honest as I could be at the moment, telling her I didn't think about it either way, that I just went with the energy of what was happening. I added, sort of jokingly, “It was kind of hot, if that's what you mean by Platonic.” She told me she definitely wouldn't mind repeating it.
Next, a couple days later, Denae decides to use the name Alfred for when she's feeling boyish. I take her and Kit to Northampton for the day. I'm getting Kit a septum piercing for Christmas and we're going to explore shops and such. I see Alfred and s/he is, wow - hair spiked up, wearing a vest and so boyish. It somehow suits her/him so much better, and I can't stop looking. I don't think s/he gets how amazing she looks, how s/he could control me... She asks me how she looks, and I just say, “You look fuckin' hot, man.” In Newbury Comics, we're hugging each other and then she starts making out with me, and I am weak in the knees. “I need to go lie down now,” I say, sighing as I walk away from the intensity. I know I'll be back for more. I start to remember what it was like to be in a relationship, to be so attracted to someone, to want to hold them all the time... and though I knew there are a million things about Denae and me that just wouldn't work in a long-term relationship - personality clashes, differences in how we communicate, and a doubt that we can relate on a level beyond being geeks (e.g. Spiritually) just to name a few -- for the moment, it's wow.
I don't really understand it. I have a lot of conflicts around it - I “should” reserve this kind of thing for someone I want to commit to for the rest of my life, for example. I need to be “loyal” to the person I share this kind of thing with. I'm also afraid I could feel so much and enter into a relationship I don't actually want and which wouldn't be good for me just because in a moment and on a whim it feels so right. And then there's the fact that my friendship with Rebecca seems to be approaching this level... and it's like, such beautiful love, and not just with one person. And, who knows, I have a feeling I may kiss Jei this weekend. It's not how society says it's supposed to be. Can I handle it all? Maybe there's my head trying to make sense of it again. But there's judgment, like, slut! Judgments that I'm selfish, for example, or that I can't choose, etc. And I know all these judgments, and my actual experience, are very different. In a way I love the word slut; reclaiming it, to me, it means sexually uninhibited, alive, and unafraid of the experience of pleasure. If I call someone a slut, it's a compliment. Maybe there's a longing for things to be simpler, and so much love all over the place can be quite messy!
We had a very good meal and the beginnings of some good conversations in the 90 minutes or so we got to talk. He told me how much he loved my Luna Lovegood icon on Facebook (I liked it too; I may have to bring it back.) He said, completely seriously, head tilted downward with a sort of regret and longing in his voice, “She's the girl I've always wanted to be with...” It was kind of awesome hearing that from a 54 year old guy. We talked abut a sense of ramping up in synchronicity over the last few years, and whether it's just our own personal evolutions or something bigger going on in the consciousness of humanity. A Celestine Prophecy sort of consciousness. Everything that's happening with me - this growing in shamanic, indigenous consciousness, kundalini, you might say, or who I really am - it didn't come out of the culture. It was like I've been called by something deeper, from within this culture, to transcend it and somehow serve to heal it. And, that somehow some deeper something may be calling us forth to be what our culture would never let us be... that it may have some stake in how things turn out... that's comforting. And it seems that so many others are having the same sorts of experiences, of a sort of calling that seems to transcend the very culture in which we were conditioned...
We talked about how our organism works better when our heart is allowed to lead, when the mind is a tool in service of the heart, whereas we are trained to put our mind first. Nate told me he was experiencing me as very yin, and I tried to understand this: he talked about how, though from one perspective something may be yang, for example -- a wave crashing upon a beach -- this is only perspective. There is something behind the wave, pushing it, and from this perspective the wave is perceived as yin. Then he had me put my hand against his, and we moved them around, played with pushing against each other, giving and taking, yin and yang, and then I found something inside of me push. He had been asking me what I like to do and I didn't know how to take the question. I took it as a question he wanted me to answer in a certain way, not an open invitation - and I really didn't have the psychic energy to explore myself much at the time. But then it just came out of me, that I want to hold space for people to grow, to be nurtured, to love and be loved, to celebrate life. He said he noticed my energy totally change when I said this, and he said excitedly, "Hello!! Good to meet you!!!" I had finally spoken my truth. "We need space-holders in this world," he said.
He also pointed out how elusive it is, how people don't get the importance of it, or see that anything's actually happening. I told him about how I am with children and animals, how I sense we communicate on such deep levels, levels where so much of what really matters happens, where real healing happens -- and yet, I don't know if anyone else is aware of what is happening. It's happening on a level that can't really be seen. And the world would be such a better place I think if this kind of unseen work were valued, if our economy didn't need to substantiate everything. So, that's the struggle: living into a calling where your work is powerful but can't be seen or even appreciated even sometimes by the recipients of it. Where the benefits can't be laid out in bulletpoints... and yet, just spending a day with a child and letting him/her/hir be exactly who they are... that's the most valuable work I know how to do...
He also asked me, "Are you transitioning?" It was a scary thing to talk about, and which I'll be more open to next time, because I can see he flowed with it, didn't require me to explain myself. He talked like it was the most natural thing in the world about a friend's son who used to be her daughter. Partly it's scary to talk about this stuff because I don't trust men. I fear being ostracized even by men that I respect. I guess I feel a bit of shame that I didn't turn out to be a “real man.” Men probably are much less likely to get this sort of thing.
Transitioning also is a tricky thing for me: for me the term is loaded. I am who I am and I don't need to change my body in order to affirm my gender identity. I changed my name -- that's a sort of transition -- and I wear some more feminine clothes now, which is also a transition. Is there a beginning point or an end point? Is there a final goal? The goal is certainly not to pass in every way as society's narrow definition of a girl. I don't have anything to prove to anybody. I don't need to fit into another box. As far as whether I will take hormones, that might be clearer a bit down the road -- I do wonder if my energy will feel more right if I have hormones balanced corresponding to my gender identity. A lot of people seem to have amazing even spiritual experiences with this.
And then, I kind of feel like I should have breasts. I think that's what I miss most. Maybe that's partly why I pierced my nipples -- unconsciously to make up for something that should be there that's missing. It was a whole rite of passage thing, so much more than that, but maybe it's part. I'm pretty okay with my genatalia. It would be easier to have a sort of receptive sexuality with a vagina but it's not something that I sorely miss. I do have the parts for receptive sexuality (and I was just talking with a Jei, a F2M friend who wants a penis, and I realize, I can use my parts to be receptive or penetrate, but he can't use his to penetrate...) I sometimes wonder if there's any connection between this gender stuff and kundalini -- because Kundalini is often active in just the place that a vagina would be. The way I can bring the energy up into my body during orgasm feels very feminine to me. And I do have a clitoris. How you name things makes a big difference. And I'm happier with my parts, I appreciate them more, when I name them appropriately. And, when I think of it that way, hmm, maybe I actually have a pussy, too - we'll see, I don't think I'm there yet.
Then I went to Spiritual Haze, the hookah bar in Worcester, with Kit and Denae. It was nice to hang out with both of them together; sometimes I feel a little self-conscious with Denae alone, like I'm not sure what she wants or how to respond to her, but I feel like a comfort is building when it's the three of us together. It was an amazing conversation. Kit just came back from I don't know how long in Chicago and she's here for 14 days. Her first night back, she and Denae call me and ask if I want to go to the hookah bar, which I introduced Kit to before she left.
She said she wanted to thank me, because it was experiences she had with me, like leaving at 3 am to the beach to watch the sunrise, and going to Firefly, that shifted something in her and helped her realize she could be more. That she didn't have to stay in Marlborough, that she could go to Chicago, that she could apply to college. I had no idea I had anything to do with it! I guess we so often don't know the effect we have on people's lives. I'm wondering if I had anything to do with her deciding to use the name Kit, that she didn't want to go by Sammi anymore. It's odd how Denae and I have been having discussions about gender, too - I didn't think this was a thing for her - and coming more and more into her maleness. Now, sometimes, when she feels like a boy, she goes by Alfred. More on that in a bit...
I remember after I got back from the hospital, shortly after Kit left for Chicago a few years ago, I didn't hear from her or get responses to my texts. I was starting to fear that she wanted nothing to do with me - that she noticed I was socially awkward, that I didn't seem to like to dance and party as much as she did, etc. So many stories we have about how things are that are just wrong. She had just gotten a new phone, that's all. Now, at the hookah bar, she tells me how she'd met a few people online, and mostly it was awkward and she didn't want anything to do with them. And then there was me. We met in a cafe, and she kind of talked and talked about her life and said how nice it was because she didn't get to do it so often; now, she tells me that she just felt some sort of trust and comfort with me immediately, and she didn't expect to go off like that... but it was because something about me made her feel she could reveal herself... I didn't know that, either. And I remember at Firefly, walking with her in a field one night, she saying she didn't know why, but it was like she was meant to meet me. To think in some ways I sort of changed the course of the life of someone I didn't think I'd affected at all... that probably happens to a lot of us a lot more often than we think...
She and Denae have been so good about calling me Lily, and Denae even asked me a couple nights ago which pronoun I would prefer. I just can't believe having so many people in my life who get it, no need for explanation. And then, a subtle sense that I have been a catalyst for others exploring their own gender issues. Kit said that the name Lily suits me far better than Jason, actually - and I remember how silly I felt when it first occurred to me to try on the name Lily! She said I seem more settled in myself with the name, like it allows me to be more me. And it does. More of me feels welcome to come out and play when I'm Lily. I feel this little burst of love in the name every time someone calls me that. Far from the tenseness and “who do they want me to be?” feeling when someone uses my given name. Somehow, it's me. I can't imagine feeling this connection with any other name on the planet. Over the years I've tried on some of my favourite male names but they never felt right. And I'm not sure there are many female names that would feel accurate either, but Lily is just beyond right. It's amazing what a difference a name makes, how powerful it is. I feel my identity shifting. At night I when I'm sleeping I can feel my body adjusting to Lily energy and leaving Jason energy behind. Leaving those old stories behind. I've gotten back in touch with Amy, and somehow, being Lily now has made it much easier. I don't have to identify as much with how she hurt me, with all the good times we had together, because that was him, not me. Choosing a new name has been like cutting a karmic cord to a lot of stuff that hurt me and bound me in the past. It's amazing how well that works.
The more risks I take with self-expression, with being myself, the more others seem to see and appreciate me. Well, those who matter do. I've struggled with this: in a sense, I want to be able to relate to the whole world, to be able to offer something to everyone. I want to write a book that all sorts of people will read. It's a story I tell myself: in order to really make a difference in this world, I can't just be some fringe freak, I need to have "broad appeal." And that, first of all, is never going to happen. I don't need to change the world from the middle. The more I come into myself, the more I feel distanced from the mainstream world, the less I feel like I need to be there because I belong with my particular tribe. I don't need to be able to relate to everyone; in the eyes of so much of humanity, I don't belong, but that's them. That's maybe some of my fear with this shamanic consciousness emerging: fear of being judged and so not heard on the merits of what I actually have to offer. Fear that people will see me as fluffy or out of touch, fear of not being able to make a difference because I'm perceived as too different. Fear of not being taken seriously. Fear of people really being receptive to what I have to offer, but then because of one thing - gender identity or consciousness of energy or whatever - shutting me off.
This story that I don't belong is sometimes so pervasive, but spending time with friends makes such a huge difference. They are models for me, that I can belong as just who I am. Kit was telling a story about her friend Gypsy. A guy came up to her and - I missed the details - but told her she was overweight. Her response was one of relief. She simply laughed and said, “Oh, that's it?! I thought it was something important!” To me it's so powerful to see models of people who are able to do that, who are able to deflect the prejudice and judgment of society. I'm not always so good at that. Seeing people who don't take it personally helps me to be okay with more of who I am, too...
I was feeling like I wanted affection, especially in the vacuum post-retreat, and - well, with all the learning that happened on retreat, I decided to simply put it out there and ask for what I needed. Kit, Denae and I had plans to see the Lord of the Rings trilogy marathon in the cinema and so I texted Denae, mentioned that I was feeling like I really wanted to be held, and asked if she would be open to that at the movie. Her response was, well, I kind of wished I hadn't asked. Something like, “I don't know. I think I'm all right with it.” I kind of wanted to say, in more tactful language, “If you're not 100% sure you want to give that, then I don't want it.” It just feels yucky and condescending to get something from someone who's doing something half-assedly and not because they want to. But good to get this out in the open early rather than face the possibility of struggling with this conflict throughout the movies! We're watching them, and she takes my hand during certain parts of the movie, but not much touching is happening. I assume it's because she doesn't really want to, though there is some reaching out from her, so at one point, when the desire for affection has really built up, I ask, “Would it be okay if I get a little closer?” Her response here wasn't so comforting either. “Yeah,” she says, shrugging, almost defensive, seeming kind of flustered. During the movie wasn't the best time to negotiate and make sure it was a solid yes, so I just kind of put my head on her shoulder and snuggled a bit, paying attention for any sign that she might be uncomfortable. I'm snuggled on her shoulder and holding her hand, and soon I'm closer, we're holding both hands, or caressing each other's faces, slowly getting more and more comfortable with each other's bodies. I can tell she's really enjoying it now. She's actually being a little bit assertive: I move my hand, and she moves it right back to where she wants it, on her shoulder near her neck. I like this! I can feel her wanting to kiss me, and then she does, and we start making out. Short sessions followed by more cuddles.
She had wanted to kiss me before, and I reluctantly agreed - it was a short, awkward kiss - I wanted to kiss her, too, but I was afraid of what kissing her would mean to her. When I was at Georgina's dorm at Harvard, she went down on me, and well, when I left her dorm that night she asked me if I would go out with her. I felt like I had to say yes because of what had just happened. So I'm a bit concerned that my love of affection and kind of free-love spirit could get me in trouble; I could trap myself in a relationship that I don't want, I could break someone's heart. This time, I'm okay with it, as I feel better boundaries around Denae than I did before, and she mentioned how open she is about kissing - to her it doesn't necessarily mean she wants to be in a relationship either. Throughout it all, I kept analyzing: does she want this, does she want that, what will this mean to her, what will that mean to her? Then I realized that I could just go with it, be in the moment, and it was so much better, so beautiful. Later she texted me, “Just wondering... did you mean that platonically?” I didn't know how to answer because I don't think that way. I was as honest as I could be at the moment, telling her I didn't think about it either way, that I just went with the energy of what was happening. I added, sort of jokingly, “It was kind of hot, if that's what you mean by Platonic.” She told me she definitely wouldn't mind repeating it.
Next, a couple days later, Denae decides to use the name Alfred for when she's feeling boyish. I take her and Kit to Northampton for the day. I'm getting Kit a septum piercing for Christmas and we're going to explore shops and such. I see Alfred and s/he is, wow - hair spiked up, wearing a vest and so boyish. It somehow suits her/him so much better, and I can't stop looking. I don't think s/he gets how amazing she looks, how s/he could control me... She asks me how she looks, and I just say, “You look fuckin' hot, man.” In Newbury Comics, we're hugging each other and then she starts making out with me, and I am weak in the knees. “I need to go lie down now,” I say, sighing as I walk away from the intensity. I know I'll be back for more. I start to remember what it was like to be in a relationship, to be so attracted to someone, to want to hold them all the time... and though I knew there are a million things about Denae and me that just wouldn't work in a long-term relationship - personality clashes, differences in how we communicate, and a doubt that we can relate on a level beyond being geeks (e.g. Spiritually) just to name a few -- for the moment, it's wow.
I don't really understand it. I have a lot of conflicts around it - I “should” reserve this kind of thing for someone I want to commit to for the rest of my life, for example. I need to be “loyal” to the person I share this kind of thing with. I'm also afraid I could feel so much and enter into a relationship I don't actually want and which wouldn't be good for me just because in a moment and on a whim it feels so right. And then there's the fact that my friendship with Rebecca seems to be approaching this level... and it's like, such beautiful love, and not just with one person. And, who knows, I have a feeling I may kiss Jei this weekend. It's not how society says it's supposed to be. Can I handle it all? Maybe there's my head trying to make sense of it again. But there's judgment, like, slut! Judgments that I'm selfish, for example, or that I can't choose, etc. And I know all these judgments, and my actual experience, are very different. In a way I love the word slut; reclaiming it, to me, it means sexually uninhibited, alive, and unafraid of the experience of pleasure. If I call someone a slut, it's a compliment. Maybe there's a longing for things to be simpler, and so much love all over the place can be quite messy!