Inner Circle [part 4] C.11
PART I V
L O N G L O N G W A Y
Inner Circle
By Lilylilym
Song Mino x Lee Seunghoon. Nam Taehyun x Song Mino
Part I Part II C4 Part II C5 Part II C6 Part III C 7 Part III C8 Part III C9 Part II C10
11. t h e s t o r y w e d i d n ' t t e l l
“NOOOOO.” Jinwoo exclaimed as he held his chest. “He did not do that. Tell me he did not do that.”
“Yes, he did. He smashed the mirror with his palms. I thought he lost his mind.” Seunghoon sighed as he threw himself onto his bed. Jinwoo stood up from the chair and joined him.
“How long has it been going on like this?” Jinwoo asked worriedly. He stopped for a second, then continued. “You rarely told me anything, so I thought things were going fine.”
“It’s complicated, you know.” Seunghoon cleared his throat as he reached for the water bottle on the floor.
“Hey don’t give me that. If anyone, I know you, Hoonie.”
“We just had a small fight is all.” Seunghoon took a big gulp of water and wiped his lips.
“A small fight doesn’t make people go smashing shit and hurt themselves.” Jinwoo made a small ‘tsk’ as he asked. “You haven’t told me everything, haven’t you?”
Seunghoon didn’t answer. He put a blanket to cover his legs then lay down. Jinwoo moved closer to the bed header and lay his back against the wall. He kept looking at Seunghoon, waiting for the younger one to speak up. But Seunghoon insisted on staying quiet. Just by looking, Jinwoo knew that the other’s mind must have been racing to a thousand places right now, and he respectfully waited. After a while, he heavily sighed as his hand reached out to tenderly caress Seunghoon’s forehead.
“You are not gonna speak at all, are you?”
“There is rather nothing to really talk about.” Seunghoon mumbled; he avoided looking at the beautiful face that was etched with wariness. Jinwoo knew him too well to let it fly, but he might understand that this is not something Seunghoon would like to discuss. He closed his eyes to feel Jinwoo’s slender fingers playing with his hair. “That feels nice.” He almost whispered but managed to stop himself.
“It feels nice, isn’t it?” Jinwoo’s soft voice startled Seunghoon. “You always like this.”
“Yeah…” Suddenly Seunghoon felt uncomfortable. He thought of some ways to get out of the situation without being rude. Jinwoo noticed his uneasiness and slightly chuckled. He pulled his hand away and kicked back. Seunghoon didn’t say anything, yet he gave Jinwoo a guilty look. Jinwoo didn’t return his gaze. He smiled and looked afar instead:
“ Hoonie, do you still remember what happened between us?”
After a moment of reconsidering, Seunghoon reluctantly replied:
“Of course I do.” Jinwoo turned to look at him as he smiled even more brightly. Somehow it pained Seunghoon to see that. He must have forgotten the way Jinwoo always smiled at him, despite everything.
“Mm. I thought you forgot.”
“Why do you say that, hyung?”
Jinwoo withdrew his smile. His facial expression became hardened. It was time Jinwoo dropped his act - and Seunghoon knew where the conversation was going. He swallowed with difficulty as he waited for Jinwoo to say the words. Those words that only Jinwoo would be able to say to him and he would have to take it. In the end, it was him who started everything.
* * *
Kim Jinwoo was twenty one when he first met twenty-year-old Lee Seunghoon. He has heard of Lee Seunghoon before, the golden boy of the famous audition program, Kpop Star. He has spared his time during the busy training sessions to follow up on the show to watch the boy from Busan weeks by weeks showing his unimaginable talent and passion climbing to the top. He was almost jealous at the fact that Lee Seunghoon, who seemed to have no experiences in singing or rapping, was able to get through them weekly competitions by his mere presence on the stage. But on the episode Seunghoon was eliminated, Jinwoo found himself crying along with the stranger he had never met - the tears streaming down on that face seemed somewhat familiar. At one point of his life, he had cried like that, so genuinely, so heartbreakingly, so painfully - the taste of a dream that was crushed when it was so close. An expected disappointment, a forseen loss, was what it was. That boy went through criticism after criticism, managed to do his job while smiling, but in those eyes, there was this hole of darkness and wounded gaze that perhaps not many people could see. But in the end, no matter what he did, it still wasn’t enough. He was expected to leave by so many people, and it was time he did. Lee Seunghoon wasn’t crying because he lost. He cried because he couldn’t prove those people wrong. Perhaps there were not many people who would get it.
But the ones who have felt that way before, would understand. People like Kim Jinwoo, would totally get it. What was more, he felt it so deeply, so heavily on his heart, that he skipped practicing that day and spent his whole afternoon crying in the bathroom of the practicing studio. When Kang Seungyoon found him, he was almost passing out on the floor. Jinwoo silently wiped what was left of his tears from his reddened eyes and told Seungyoon he was homesick. Seungyoon looked at him with concerns and offered to take him out for a meal, but he politely declined. “I want to stay in to practice tonigh,” he had said. “I’m haven’t practiced at all today.” Seungyoon nodded and later that night, he brought Jinwoo dinner and hot cacao. Jinwoo gratefully took it from Seungyoon. He ate his meal in the dark while crying.
The next day, and the day after that, Jinwoo practiced so diligently without even sleeping. Everyone was looking at him strangely, but they didn’t say anything. As trainess, whatelse were you supposed to do - he was the oldest amongst the kids. And the least talented, as one might never say to his face, but he knew. He knew because he could never join any rap battle, dance battle, and when Seungyoon and Taehyun played to each other their composed songs on the guitar, he would silently retreat to the recording room and rehearse his part for the thousand time. It was always lacking something. He was always lacking something. But he knew, despite everything, his dream was not.
A few months later, Jinwoo showed up at the studio to find the boy that he was secretly obsessed about was coming to be a part of the team. Kim Jinwoo was stunned at the sight of the strange-yet-familiar boy who was sitting in a corner and politely answering people’s question about the show he was in. He wanted to naturally walk next to him, say hello or ask questions like people did. But what could he actually ask, when the only thing that was in his mind was, ‘was your heart finally mended, are you okay now, Lee Seunghoon?” That question shouldn’t be asked by someone you never met. So he kept his distance and only slightly nodded at the boy, then took his brief leave to go practice.
It was almost two weeks until they had the first proper greeting. It was Seunghoon who came up to him and offered him a bottle of water when he couldn’t find one. Jinwoo awkwardly said thanks and received the bottle from Seunghoon’s hand, as the younger guy casually spoke:
“We’ve met before, but I don’t think we have ever spoken to each other. I’m Lee Seunghoon, 20 year old. You’re Kim Jinwoo-hyung, right? The other boys said you are the oldest.”
“Ye..yeah.” Jinwoo swallowed and wiped his lips before answering. “I’m older than you by a year and a half.”
“That was… rather specific.” Seunghoon exclaimed.
“Oh…” Jinwoo regretted right away. “Well I know you were born in January 1992, and I was born in August the previous year.” He was secretly glad that Seunghoon only raised his eyebrows and not asking him why he would know his birthday.
“Dude, that means you’re only five months older than I am.” Seunghoon counted on his fingers then laughed aloud. “If you were born in January and I was born in August, that would be a year and a half.”
“You’re right…” Jinwoo thought for a while, then laughed along, “How could I be so stupid. That was basic math.”
“Dude if it’s the math that even I can do, that shit is elementary level.” Seunghoon casually tapped Jinwoo on his shoulders and Jinwoo unconsciously smiled at the gesture.
“Hey, have you ever played ‘are you more intelligent than a fifth grader’? Don’t ever underestimate elementary level - that thing was hard.” Jinwoo protested. He usually didn’t really know how to talk to a person he just met - but to be fair, Seunghoon wasn’t a total stranger. At least to him, he wasn’t.
“Or maybe you’re just not that smart, mm?” Seunghoon looked at him with mischief in his eyes. Anyone could have taken this joke as a mean attack, but somehow, Jinwoo knew right away, that was Seunghoon’s way of making friends. So he smiled at Seunghoon:
“Congrats on solving an elementary math problem then. You must be proud.”
The younger boy looked surprised at his comeback. He laughed even louder:
“Oh wow that was good. I thought guys with a pretty face like you would be nicer.”
Jinwoo shrugged. He still didn’t know where that comeback came from, but it seemed like by talking to this guy right here, all the things he didn’t know he had would eventually come out.
“According to that logic, you’re a meanie because?”
“Ouch. Ya, you don’t go there, not to a stranger you just met.” He paused, then smiled at Jinwoo brightly. It was the first time Jinwoo had ever seen a smile that bright. He didn’t know, at the time, that he wouldn’t get to see this smile as much as he thought. “I’d take it as we can be close friends who say shit to each other. You’re only five months older than I am anyway.”
“You still gotta call me hyung.”
“Wooya, that’s what I would call you.”
“Oh hell no.”
“Wooyaaaaa~”
* * *
“Why do you say that, hyung?” Seunghoon asked, and he patiently waited for Jinwoo to tell it like it is. Jinwoo, with his serious yet gentle look, slowly replied:
“Because you haven’t changed at all.”
Seunghoon stayed silent at Jinwoo’s transparent answer. Jinwoo sat closer to him and held his hands. This time, Seunghoon didn’t try to get away.
“Remember what you told me that day when you said you didn’t want to hurt me?”
Seunghoon bited his lips:
“Well, I never did.”
“So that you could go on and hurt other people?” Jinwoo caressed his hand; his beautiful eyes were shadowed under the soft eyelashes. Seunghoon exhaled as he held the older one’s hands to stop him. Jinwoo looked up and waited for him to answer.
“I didn’t want any of this to happen. I didn’t expect the boy to, you know, hurt himself because of me.” Seunghoon finally said as he removed Jinwoo’s hands from his. The deer-eyed man didn’t say anything while his hands were left hanging onto nothing. He tugged his hair under his ear as he let out an unusual sarcastic laugh.
“Oh but you did, Lee Seunghoon. You did.” He paused for one second. “Because it seemed to me that you were using the boy.”
“Hey, let’s not talk about the kid. This is about you and me.”
“No, it’s all about you. It has always been about you.”
“Hyung…”
“Did you or did you not make a move on Mino the same day you left me at that coffeeshop?”
Seunghoon stopped talking. In front of him, Jinwoo, the five-month-older guy who was sticking with him through all this time, looked at him with the most wounded eyes that he remembered. Seunghoon let out a long exhale. Memories have its way of working - our subconsciousness always omit a few details too many and before you know, you only remember the favorite version of what happened. Most of the time, things being left out are always the most important.
* * *
Before Jinwoo even realized, Seunghoon and him have already become friends. At first, Jinwoo wasn’t sure if he would be able to keep up with his seemingly talkative new friend. But he needed not to worry so, because he soon realized - or re-realized, to be exact, that much of Seunghoon’s cheerful outlook was only the tip of the iceberg. His new dongseng, who refused to call him hyung, would barely talk at all when the attention was not on him. But Jinwoo knew, because when nobody was paying attention, he did. And he would silently clench his fist at the sight of Seunghoon hiding in a corner with his eyes down and shoulders drooped, as if the whole heaviness of the world was on him. For the first few times, Jinwoo would only stare. Until one day their eyes met - and for one second, thousands of words were exchanged during that blink of an eye.
Perhaps it was the best thing that ever happened. Because that was how Jinwoo and Seunghoon really became close.
Perhaps it was the worst thing that ever happened. Because that was how Jinwoo realized maybe friendship wasn’t exactly what he wanted. But Seunghoon has carefully crafted a wall around him, to stop anyone from entering. Not even Jinwoo. There was a door somewhere, but Jinwoo couldn’t find the key. Seunghoon would look at him many times with the eyes that were almost telling him “no”. No to what, Jinwoo wouldn’t ask. He felt much safer wandering around that wall, waiting for one day the door would magically crack open. It never did.
The one time it did, Jinwoo ruined everything.
When Seunghoon hastily got up from his chair and walked out of the door in a hurry, Jinwoo was left wondering what he did wrong. When Seunghoon and him first got to this coffeeshop, everything was fine. They were having a joyful conversation, and they both laughed so much their stomach hurt. Seunghoon ordered a seasonal peppermint mocha - they always had that flavor during this time of the year. From early December, to celebrate Christmas, but the special drinks were served well until late January due to popular demands. Jinwoo got a black coffee and Seunghoon raised his eyebrows while scoffing under his breath - “so pretentious, trying hard to be cool” - to which Jinwoo just smiled and motioned his hand to dismiss. Seunghoon didn’t know Jinwoo wasn’t inclined to sleep much anyway.
When the conversation turned into gossip - the dirty little secret that both of them shared - they loved talking about other trainees, male and female alike, with the confidence that the other one wouldn’t sell them out, things started to get weird. If Jinwoo had known what he knew now, he woudn’t have talked about Mino with Seunghoon. Destiny, too, has its way of working things out. Perhaps he had always meant to talk about Mino - the newcomer with extraordinary talent and quite a biography that was well liked amongst all - on that day, so that the future as he knew of now could build its stages. Jinwoo made a mistake - which was to mention Mino and his feelings to Seunghoon at the same time. He never realized how big of a mistake it was, until a few weeks later when he saw, from his window, Seunghoon and Mino holding hands as they walking home from the store.
But he didn’t know about any of this on that day. He only knew that Seunghoon had left him there, right after the atmostphere became heavy, because Jinwoo had slipped his tongue and said to Seunghoon:
“I wondered if Mino also felt the way I do about you.”
Now thinking about that, this neutral sentence shouldn’t have intrigued such a reaction from Seunghoon, as he looked at Jinwoo at once and asked:
“What do you mean?”
The next thing he knew, Jinwoo was left alone in that coffee shop, with a messy memory of what just took place. Seunghoon saying something like, “I didn’t want to hurt you, sorry I didn’t realize, but.” Jinwoo finished his cold, bitter, black coffee in silence.
* * *
“Hyung, we would never have worked out.” Seunghoon’s voice sounded almost like a plead. He looked down onto the bed to avoid Jinwoo’s gaze.
“That you’re right.” Jinwoo voicelessly spoke. “Because you don’t love yourself.” Stopped for a moment, he continued. “I could have been the one to love you, I could have.”
“Don’t say that.” Seunghoon shooked his head, but Jinwoo went on as if he didn’t see it.
“It didn’t matter because you never let me. And I made peace with that.”
“I’m not gonna say anything stupid.”
“But you are stupid, you see.” Jinwoo kept talking. His voice became harderned and he spoke with such difficulties. It wasn’t hard to hear the words choking inside his throat. “I love you, Seunghoonie. No, as a brother, a friend, whatever. You’re right, we could never have worked out and I made peace with that. You’re too toxic even for yourself and I couldn’t help you. I thought you going with Mino would change something.”
“Wooya…”
“Fucking stop calling me that.” Jinwoo suddenly yelled at Seunghoon that made him shut up instantly. Then Jinwoo started to cry. “Hoonie you can be happy. I wanted you to be happy. It broke my heart to know that I’m not the one you can be happy with - and it’s alright. But now you’re telling me you fucking pulled a rebound on Mino? You didn’t even love me. What was the damn reason to do so?”
“I don’t know.”
“I do. Because you loved the kid. You always have. Since the first day you saw him. You left me for him. Hell, you left us for him. And don’t tell me otherwise because I knew you. I know you.”
“You don’t know me, Wooya. Not all of me.” Seunghoon heavily said. His heart was swollen with guilt and he couldn’t stand Jinwoo crying right in front of him. Jinwoo never cried in front of him, no matter how hard things were. Of perhaps, finally he realized, that the older guy has always been crying to himself without letting him know. Jinwoo hid his face in his palm to avoid Seunghoon who was reaching out trying to wipe his tears.
“God, and I thought you looked so bright for a while when you started seeing Mino. What happened, Hoonie?”
“Me. Wooya, me. That’s what happened. That’s what happened to you. That’s what happened to Mino. And I don’t fucking know who else.” Seunghoon breathed heavily. “And I’m sorry for abruptly leaving us but I just couldn’t let myself ruin you. You don’t deserve it. I respected and loved you too much. You were the best thing that happened to me.”
Jinwoo let out a small laugh while sobbing:
“For some reasons I can’t say the same.” He stopped for a moment trying to collect himself. “But I’m okay. Look, Hoonie, stop projecting your world upon everyone, you might think you’re the deviant, the unfit. But we all have monsters inside. I could have taken yours - but it doesn’t matter. You don’t want me to be the one to fix you.”
Jinwoo’s words got him stuttered.
“But you already knew it.”
“Look, Wooya,” Seunghoon inhaled sharply and said, “I’m messed up. Have always been. It was just easier to be in the dark. You’re the brightest thing in my life, and I don’t want to taint you. You thought I didn’t want you - I didn’t know that I could…”
“Hoonie,” Jinwoo gently cut him off, “let’s just agree that we didn’t love each other like that. Don’t play that game, I’m not that kid, you won’t wreck me the way you do him.”
“But I did.”
“So you thought. Was that why you ran into him, to avoid dealing with the mess you made with me?” Jinwoo picked a tissue from the box and wiped his eyes. His soft voice echoed in the small room, so calmly it was almost like he was talking to himself.
“Was I not the one staying with you every step of the way and support you in every way that I can?”
“Seunghoon, you didn’t wreck me. You let me go, and it was the best thing that you could do at that time. I understood.”
“I just need you to find where your heart is at. You didn’t play with Mino’s heart, love.”
Seunghoon looked down onto his hands that had unconsciously gripped into tight fists.
“You were playing with yours.”
What in the world would be harder than hearing the truth that you already knew but still couldn’t seem to believe?
./.