Stuff my head in a pillow and scream....
It would be hard to understand even if you had been there. My family is so messed up. It hurts to even think about it. Everyone has a different perception of the way things are, and even more so, the way things happened. As long as there are two people on earth, the perception will be different to each person. Each one will tell a different story. In the true stories, there are no saints, only sinners. Only the forgiven. Not one of us is holy; we cannot be holy. We are the scum of the earth, we are the children of the darkness. Only a blood price can buy us free. Only a sacrifice makes up for our sins and shortcomings. I am guilty, too. I have been no cardboard Christmas tree angel. I, too, have cursed and lied. I, too, have hated and held hatred in my heart. I have been selfish.
I feel terrible. I feel guilty and angry and upset. I feel like I have failed.
I can't do a damn thing for my aunt. Not one little thing. I can tell the story twice, she still will not listen. She will not see it from anyone else's perspective. She will not admit fault. She will blame. She will cite all the things she's done for me out of the goodness of her heart, and how much she's done for my mother and how my mother has so abused her.
She drives people away.
Should I have done more? Should I have thrown away everything to help her clean house and listen to her emotional tirades? I did not do it for my mother. I will not do it for her. I am not going to take any more CRAP from anyone. Not family, not friends, not strangers. And have I failed because I have come to this point?
This world is so full of an ugliness that sometimes consumes me. So much pain. It didn't all used to be pain. Not when I was a child with a child's faith.
I feel terrible. I feel guilty and angry and upset. I feel like I have failed.
I can't do a damn thing for my aunt. Not one little thing. I can tell the story twice, she still will not listen. She will not see it from anyone else's perspective. She will not admit fault. She will blame. She will cite all the things she's done for me out of the goodness of her heart, and how much she's done for my mother and how my mother has so abused her.
She drives people away.
Should I have done more? Should I have thrown away everything to help her clean house and listen to her emotional tirades? I did not do it for my mother. I will not do it for her. I am not going to take any more CRAP from anyone. Not family, not friends, not strangers. And have I failed because I have come to this point?
This world is so full of an ugliness that sometimes consumes me. So much pain. It didn't all used to be pain. Not when I was a child with a child's faith.