(no subject)
i think i'm getting there. i had a moment today where i felt something break, but in a good way. usually when i have my migraines during the day and i can't just go take a nap to make them go away, i spend all day praying for what i call a "break." it's that moment when you go from feeling like absolute shit and wanting to die to suddenly the nausea is gone, the eyes start to clear, and it feels as though that weight has been lifted. for me it's instantaneous, like a breath of fresh air after being cooped up in a dark, stale room. and that's how i felt. suddenly, out of nowhere, part of my sorrow lifted, i felt like i was given a push to get out of my doldrums and on with my life. granted it's not like i'm suddenly completely over everything, but it's a start. i think i've cried my last few tears and now it's just time to let the healing start.
i think my biggest problem with all this Zach stuff is that i was most upset with not even really getting the chance to see where we could have gone. it's like getting to the amusement park just as they're putting up the "closed for the season" sign. you have no choice but to turn around and go back. i know that a relationship is not like an amusement park but the analogy fits, it's something you're excited about, something you really want to do and are looking forward to doing, but someone else has decided that you can't. that's a big part of my greif, not being able to control even the tiniest bit of the situation. having absolutely no choice in the matter of him leaving for a year. an entire year.
he IMed me last night, which was nice, because i was afraid that he would be one of those people that says "we'll still be friends" and then never contacts you again as long as you live. but he pretty much avoided the subject of "us" and we made small talk. which was primarily intersperesed over him loading stuff into his car so he wasn't there most of the time. but it was a conversation, and it was a start. so tonight i'm probably going to start mega-organizing like i usually do to get my mind off stuff and then read for a while and go to bed. the problem with bed being that it's my most active imagination time. i like to dream up little scenarios, most often with guys i like, but sometimes with friends and such, doing things that make me happy. it's my way of turning my brain on to dreaming mode. it's something i've been doing since i was a child. my parents bought me a book that they would read to me and it had little storylines in it that were unfinished, it would tell you what you were doing and where and what everything looked like and felt like, and your job was to think of the rest of the story and it usually put you right to sleep. so i've kept it up but updated it to more adult imaginings, but still, it helps me get to sleep. and tonight i have nothing. just a blank slate to start over with. i think i may be reading for quite some time.
but now that i've emptied my brain of all the things that were clogging it before, it may be a little easier, that and i just had a chat with Evan's girlfriend Sam about Zach and how, even though he's acting like he's ok, apparently he's a mess and has been since he found out about his trip extension, he's just a crappy AIM chatter. so that makes me feel a little better. now i just need to keep this feeling going so that i can fall asleep without my mind drifting to not-so-good thoughts. let's hope.
*A*
i think my biggest problem with all this Zach stuff is that i was most upset with not even really getting the chance to see where we could have gone. it's like getting to the amusement park just as they're putting up the "closed for the season" sign. you have no choice but to turn around and go back. i know that a relationship is not like an amusement park but the analogy fits, it's something you're excited about, something you really want to do and are looking forward to doing, but someone else has decided that you can't. that's a big part of my greif, not being able to control even the tiniest bit of the situation. having absolutely no choice in the matter of him leaving for a year. an entire year.
he IMed me last night, which was nice, because i was afraid that he would be one of those people that says "we'll still be friends" and then never contacts you again as long as you live. but he pretty much avoided the subject of "us" and we made small talk. which was primarily intersperesed over him loading stuff into his car so he wasn't there most of the time. but it was a conversation, and it was a start. so tonight i'm probably going to start mega-organizing like i usually do to get my mind off stuff and then read for a while and go to bed. the problem with bed being that it's my most active imagination time. i like to dream up little scenarios, most often with guys i like, but sometimes with friends and such, doing things that make me happy. it's my way of turning my brain on to dreaming mode. it's something i've been doing since i was a child. my parents bought me a book that they would read to me and it had little storylines in it that were unfinished, it would tell you what you were doing and where and what everything looked like and felt like, and your job was to think of the rest of the story and it usually put you right to sleep. so i've kept it up but updated it to more adult imaginings, but still, it helps me get to sleep. and tonight i have nothing. just a blank slate to start over with. i think i may be reading for quite some time.
but now that i've emptied my brain of all the things that were clogging it before, it may be a little easier, that and i just had a chat with Evan's girlfriend Sam about Zach and how, even though he's acting like he's ok, apparently he's a mess and has been since he found out about his trip extension, he's just a crappy AIM chatter. so that makes me feel a little better. now i just need to keep this feeling going so that i can fall asleep without my mind drifting to not-so-good thoughts. let's hope.
*A*