SUCKS!
it may be Friday but it sure doesn't feel like the end of a week. i have no weekend, i have no days off. i've been straight out every day for so long i'm beginning to forget what free time feels like. i think the last time i got a day off was in october. and that was completely by accident. Laurie messed up on the schedule and forgot to give me hours on one day and i ended up getting it off anyway and going shopping with my mom. i miss days like that. i especially miss days like that in CT with Claire. those days that we would just get up and go somewhere. to the mall, to the grocery store, even just out and about. i miss those days. i don't get to do that anymore. and i'm not going to be able to do that for a long time. even when i'm in clincials i'm going to be working when i'm not "learning" so i can pay my bills. i know my mom wants me to earn enough to move out and be on my own, but at this point i don't even want to do that anymore. i just want to save up my money, pay off my car, and have enough to move back to CT where my family is. and by family i don't mean my relatives, i mean the people that i love. the ones that i want to be with.
i'm just hoping to get through the next year and a half without going insane. i never thought i'd want to live in Connecticut. I always swore that i'd stay in the north, close to familiar country surroundings with people that are like me. but right now, everyone that i care about is down there, and that's where i want to be. maybe i'll change my mind after a while and move on, but that time has yet to come. so for now, being in CT sounds just right to me. in one week i'll be down there again, seeing everyone and spending an early christmas/chanukah with them. i only wish i could stay and not have to come back to this life that i loathe. i actually realized just how much i hate my job when i walked into work today and the minute i crossed that threshold, i wished i could run back out to my car and speed away. i dreaded every step i took closer to my little station. as much as i long to be in CT, i realize that i can't go back until i get the degree i was supposed to have. i can't get my dream job without the credentials to back it up. i just wish i could get them faster.
time does fly and classes end quite soon, but then i have my first clinicals and then two more sets of classes and clinicals after that before i can get the hell out of here. a lot can change in that time and i only hope things don't get completely crazy. i wish i could live with Claire to help ease her living situation dilemma, i wish i could be in Hamden this semester so that i could see Mike more, and i really wish i could get the hell out of my mother's house and live my own life. but none of that is going to be happening any time soon. and it sucks big time.
i know i complain a lot about how unhappy i am and how much i wish i could change things, but i honestly hate how my life is right now. i've never been so unhappy about anything before. sure i've had crappy jobs and sucky living situations, and there's been times where i didn't have my friends around me, but i've never had them all at once. and for extended periods of time. and it SUCKS. i've never felt so lonely and depressed in my life. and i'm not saying i'm suicidal or anything, i'm just stating that i can't stand how my life is right now and i would give anything to change it to the way i want it to be. it's hard when the only friend i had up here has her own life and her own dreams are all coming true one right after the other, and i've got nothing. i have a shitty job, bills that keep piling up, no place of my own, no friends around me, i'm constantly on the go, i never have any free time and my boyfriend (still not used to saying that) is down in CT doing his own thing and the only contact we have is through a phone.
it just sucks.
i'm going to bed
*A*
i'm just hoping to get through the next year and a half without going insane. i never thought i'd want to live in Connecticut. I always swore that i'd stay in the north, close to familiar country surroundings with people that are like me. but right now, everyone that i care about is down there, and that's where i want to be. maybe i'll change my mind after a while and move on, but that time has yet to come. so for now, being in CT sounds just right to me. in one week i'll be down there again, seeing everyone and spending an early christmas/chanukah with them. i only wish i could stay and not have to come back to this life that i loathe. i actually realized just how much i hate my job when i walked into work today and the minute i crossed that threshold, i wished i could run back out to my car and speed away. i dreaded every step i took closer to my little station. as much as i long to be in CT, i realize that i can't go back until i get the degree i was supposed to have. i can't get my dream job without the credentials to back it up. i just wish i could get them faster.
time does fly and classes end quite soon, but then i have my first clinicals and then two more sets of classes and clinicals after that before i can get the hell out of here. a lot can change in that time and i only hope things don't get completely crazy. i wish i could live with Claire to help ease her living situation dilemma, i wish i could be in Hamden this semester so that i could see Mike more, and i really wish i could get the hell out of my mother's house and live my own life. but none of that is going to be happening any time soon. and it sucks big time.
i know i complain a lot about how unhappy i am and how much i wish i could change things, but i honestly hate how my life is right now. i've never been so unhappy about anything before. sure i've had crappy jobs and sucky living situations, and there's been times where i didn't have my friends around me, but i've never had them all at once. and for extended periods of time. and it SUCKS. i've never felt so lonely and depressed in my life. and i'm not saying i'm suicidal or anything, i'm just stating that i can't stand how my life is right now and i would give anything to change it to the way i want it to be. it's hard when the only friend i had up here has her own life and her own dreams are all coming true one right after the other, and i've got nothing. i have a shitty job, bills that keep piling up, no place of my own, no friends around me, i'm constantly on the go, i never have any free time and my boyfriend (still not used to saying that) is down in CT doing his own thing and the only contact we have is through a phone.
it just sucks.
i'm going to bed
*A*