Not so profound thought
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think I finally have to admit that I have a serious phobia of commitment. I think this explains so many things in my life and in the ways I behave in certain situations.
Examples:
-When I think about my job I always think about it only in the short term because the thought of being at the same job for longer than a few months makes me crazy with boredom and kind of frusterated with the place in general.
-I am never happy living where I'm at. There is always something wrong with being there and I am always looking to where I will move next. Afterwards I often look back and kick myself for not appreciating what I had (Cottey and Columbia-minus one slutty roommate). I think this is why I have made a habit of moving every one to two years. So far I've made it in Alton for one year but am already looking at places to move when I am done with school.
-The fastest way to get me to lose interest in a guy is for me to try to start a relationship with him. Every time the idea of getting serious with someone starts to become a reality I suddenly find some crazy thing about him that makes him completely unattractive to me. It's anything from one guy had a weird fuzz ball in his hair one night to I noticed he smells like my brother and that totally weirded me out. (sadly these are real examples.. I did not just make them up). Either way, as soon as I notice this weird thing I can't even stand to be around said person anymore and end up either being unintentionally cruel to him or avoiding him until he gets the message and moves on. I can never bring myself to just tell the person because I don't want to hurt them (which I end up doing anyway) and really because I am just chickenshit.
I also think this thoery explains why I am such a fan of short hook-ups or why my relationship with Jason has lasted so long (no fear of commitment if he already has a commitment with someone else).
The funny thing is, watching all my friends get married (esp. this spring when it seems like everyone is getting married) the idea of marriage and having children keeps becomming more and more appealing to me. My friends have found men (or women) who make them so happy that even the smallest mundane aspects of life are cherished. Blah, I can't even explain what that feeling is like because I have never felt it. But I want to feel it someday. I just hope I can get past my crazy issues with commitment so I don't miss it when it does happen.
Examples:
-When I think about my job I always think about it only in the short term because the thought of being at the same job for longer than a few months makes me crazy with boredom and kind of frusterated with the place in general.
-I am never happy living where I'm at. There is always something wrong with being there and I am always looking to where I will move next. Afterwards I often look back and kick myself for not appreciating what I had (Cottey and Columbia-minus one slutty roommate). I think this is why I have made a habit of moving every one to two years. So far I've made it in Alton for one year but am already looking at places to move when I am done with school.
-The fastest way to get me to lose interest in a guy is for me to try to start a relationship with him. Every time the idea of getting serious with someone starts to become a reality I suddenly find some crazy thing about him that makes him completely unattractive to me. It's anything from one guy had a weird fuzz ball in his hair one night to I noticed he smells like my brother and that totally weirded me out. (sadly these are real examples.. I did not just make them up). Either way, as soon as I notice this weird thing I can't even stand to be around said person anymore and end up either being unintentionally cruel to him or avoiding him until he gets the message and moves on. I can never bring myself to just tell the person because I don't want to hurt them (which I end up doing anyway) and really because I am just chickenshit.
I also think this thoery explains why I am such a fan of short hook-ups or why my relationship with Jason has lasted so long (no fear of commitment if he already has a commitment with someone else).
The funny thing is, watching all my friends get married (esp. this spring when it seems like everyone is getting married) the idea of marriage and having children keeps becomming more and more appealing to me. My friends have found men (or women) who make them so happy that even the smallest mundane aspects of life are cherished. Blah, I can't even explain what that feeling is like because I have never felt it. But I want to feel it someday. I just hope I can get past my crazy issues with commitment so I don't miss it when it does happen.