(no subject)
I've been collecting stuff for the oft-wanted home of my own since I was old enough to start earning money of my own to put towards things to hoard. I doubt many people would guess that Dad has a good eye for antiques, but even up until today we'll bunk off on the occasional Saturday morning to lurk around the markets together. It's an odd past time for a teenager I suppose, but it's hardly like my childhood was ever normal anyway; and after a while I had fancy rugs, chairs, lithographs, a really beautiful antique dining table, all kept in storage for a couple of years and and now all finally set to be put in place when I move into my first home in Hackney a few months from now. My mother thinks it's quite telling that even though up until last year I'd barely lived on my own for a month at a time and that by my own admission I've never been someone who's felt particularly settled in their younger years, I've been essentially building a nest since I was a teenager. I guess in simple terms and without really acknowledging the fact before, I've looked forward to being stable my whole life.
For most people, I don't think there's a designated time in your life where you sit down and plan out what's ahead of you for the next twenty-odd years. I've always thought a great deal about what I want out of my life on a more general basis, but once you've been through a couple of long-term relationships, you eventually learn to take things a day at a time once you begin again with someone new, especially when there's already a close friendship in place that you don't want to put at risk. I think what astonished me the most in retrospect is that even though taking things one day at a time has been something that's been important to both of us from the very beginning, we were able to overcome the initial shock and slowly but with gradually more ease accept and embrace the idea of raising a child together with relatively few hurdles to begin with, and to cautiously think ahead enough to contemplate what sort of parents we wanted to be. People search for stability their entire lives, and suddenly I had the prospect of it being offered to me when I least expected it and in a way that no one would've ever been able to predict. It was unplanned, I felt like I was a few years too young, and having a child with a boyfriend of only a few months raised the inevitable discussion and worry of its own, but twelve weeks in and that child was as wanted and loved and being prepared for as any other.
Going back to work as soon as I felt physically able to helped more than even I thought it would. I couldn't make myself stay at home and do nothing but think about why I was stuck at home; but in knowing my own fear about whether I'd be able to hold it together or not Mark insisted that I shouldn't feel guilty if I wanted to call the whole thing off at the last minute. Fortunately, the first day of filming went off without a hitch and it was really the first time I felt like things were starting to come together again. I should note at this point that I'd like to punch the next fuckhead who writes "Sad Lily" or "Brave Lily" in the rags because I don't feel fucking brave at all, and honestly I kind of prefer the Daily Mail going back to normal and telling hilariously false bullshit about people walking out of my lame and boring show rather than the grating and holier than thou "pity" that comes complete with ten cameras being shoved in my face the moment I step out of the house hoping that I'll break into tearful hysterics for a good photo of how "Sad Lily" is finding it so difficult to cope.
I'm doing okay. Possibly better than I thought I would be, but I am. There's the occasional off day, but it's to be expected and years of going to a therapist after I left the Priory as a teenager have trained me somewhat to hold myself back from shutting everyone out, especially when the last thing I should be doing right now is attempting to go it alone. I'm young, and I have years and years ahead of me to find that stability I've always wanted, even though the one thing that the last few months have shown me is that in a way it's waiting for me whenever I'm ready; but for now, we're back to taking things one day at a time. I'm lucky to have friends and family who I love and who won't be uncomfortable talking to me just because they don't want to inadvertently offend me or something stupid, or treat me like I'm about to fall apart at the seams. For the same reasons that I decided to get back to work when I did, it's important to me that I find peace in simply feeling normal again. I don't have much of another way of ending this, but I do want to thank the people who've sent me an encouraging message or comment or vgift or who've made me laugh in IMs and chats in the last couple of weeks or so I've been taking to ease back into some sort of normality again - I don't need to name names, I think you all know very well who you are. Thank you.
For most people, I don't think there's a designated time in your life where you sit down and plan out what's ahead of you for the next twenty-odd years. I've always thought a great deal about what I want out of my life on a more general basis, but once you've been through a couple of long-term relationships, you eventually learn to take things a day at a time once you begin again with someone new, especially when there's already a close friendship in place that you don't want to put at risk. I think what astonished me the most in retrospect is that even though taking things one day at a time has been something that's been important to both of us from the very beginning, we were able to overcome the initial shock and slowly but with gradually more ease accept and embrace the idea of raising a child together with relatively few hurdles to begin with, and to cautiously think ahead enough to contemplate what sort of parents we wanted to be. People search for stability their entire lives, and suddenly I had the prospect of it being offered to me when I least expected it and in a way that no one would've ever been able to predict. It was unplanned, I felt like I was a few years too young, and having a child with a boyfriend of only a few months raised the inevitable discussion and worry of its own, but twelve weeks in and that child was as wanted and loved and being prepared for as any other.
Going back to work as soon as I felt physically able to helped more than even I thought it would. I couldn't make myself stay at home and do nothing but think about why I was stuck at home; but in knowing my own fear about whether I'd be able to hold it together or not Mark insisted that I shouldn't feel guilty if I wanted to call the whole thing off at the last minute. Fortunately, the first day of filming went off without a hitch and it was really the first time I felt like things were starting to come together again. I should note at this point that I'd like to punch the next fuckhead who writes "Sad Lily" or "Brave Lily" in the rags because I don't feel fucking brave at all, and honestly I kind of prefer the Daily Mail going back to normal and telling hilariously false bullshit about people walking out of my lame and boring show rather than the grating and holier than thou "pity" that comes complete with ten cameras being shoved in my face the moment I step out of the house hoping that I'll break into tearful hysterics for a good photo of how "Sad Lily" is finding it so difficult to cope.
I'm doing okay. Possibly better than I thought I would be, but I am. There's the occasional off day, but it's to be expected and years of going to a therapist after I left the Priory as a teenager have trained me somewhat to hold myself back from shutting everyone out, especially when the last thing I should be doing right now is attempting to go it alone. I'm young, and I have years and years ahead of me to find that stability I've always wanted, even though the one thing that the last few months have shown me is that in a way it's waiting for me whenever I'm ready; but for now, we're back to taking things one day at a time. I'm lucky to have friends and family who I love and who won't be uncomfortable talking to me just because they don't want to inadvertently offend me or something stupid, or treat me like I'm about to fall apart at the seams. For the same reasons that I decided to get back to work when I did, it's important to me that I find peace in simply feeling normal again. I don't have much of another way of ending this, but I do want to thank the people who've sent me an encouraging message or comment or vgift or who've made me laugh in IMs and chats in the last couple of weeks or so I've been taking to ease back into some sort of normality again - I don't need to name names, I think you all know very well who you are. Thank you.