Pro Familia1/2
Title: Pro Familia
Word Count: 12,110
Rating: PG
Characters: Regulus Black, Sirius Black, Draco Malfoy
Summary: REGULUS ARCTURUS BLACK’S SECRET DIARY THAT ANDROMEDA GAVE HIM FOR CHRISTMAS FOR KEEPING SECRETS IN
Draco sniggered … a child’s diary; there would be no demons here.
Note: Written for hp_summergen in 2007, and is therefore not DH compliant.
Dulce et Decorum est pro Familia Mori
*
Draco Malfoy had never thought of his home as small until he was effectively imprisoned in it. It was amazing, really, how claustrophobic one could get in a manor with fifteen bedrooms (eleven of which were en-suite), a library, a breakfast room, a dining room, a green sitting room, a blue sitting room and a Louis XV sitting room, as well as a ballroom, fencing salle and armoury. Not counting, of course, the kitchen and the house-elves’ quarters, which Draco was very nearly bored enough to visit.
Instead he paced the library, paced each of the three sitting rooms, paced his bedroom, which had a view of the Quidditch Pitch on which he was not allowed to play. He only didn’t go down to the kitchens because he was sure that Someone Important might come to see him anytime soon: The Dark Lord, his father, his mother, Snape … and when they did, Draco did not want to be found hobnobbing with the servants. He was in enough trouble as it was.
Staying in his own chartered territory was insupportable. Every room - every item, even, in every room, reminded him of his childhood, his history, of what he was, of what he had to fight for and what he had to lose. Every object in the entire Manor called Draco back to the night on the tower when he had looked an old and weakened man - his enemy, his headmaster - in the eyes and had started to lower his wand. That night he’d failed. He’d started something that he was caught in now, and he didn’t know whether the Dark Lord was going to kill him or punish him, or kill or punish his mother or father in his stead, and half the time Draco wished that the Dark Lord would just get on and do whatever it was he was going to do, because it happening couldn’t be worse than waiting for it to happen, could it?
It was at this point that Draco felt most trapped, because it was at this point in his reasoning that he started looking for ways out.
When he remembered the attic, it felt like freedom. Here, finally, was something new, untainted, something he could use to buy himself a few hours without thought. He stood on the landing of the top floor of the house, found the groove in the ceiling, and tapped it with his wand. A staircase - elaborate and red-carpeted - descended. And Draco climbed up. Whatever Cleaning Charms had been left on the place had obviously worn off; the floor was carpeted with a layer of dust and dead spiders. Draco made a mental note to order the house-elves to clean it when he next spoke to them. But for now he moved through the attic space, blasting cobwebs out of the way with his wand, jumping a little in fright when one of them brushed the back of his neck. He weaved his way through piles of ugly furniture and broken toys. It reminded him of the room at Hogwarts where he’d gone to work on the Vanishing - no, Draco told himself. He wasn’t going to think of that. He turned to a nearby set of boxes. In the top box was a collection of books - mostly battered Potions texts and the odd annual. Draco was about push them away when silver lettering caught his eye. It was a black book, bound in worn leather like the others. And etched with a slightly-crooked Engraving Charm on the front cover were the words:
REGULUS ARCTURUS BLACK’S SECRET DIARY THAT ANDROMEDA GAVE HIM FOR CHRISTMAS FOR KEEPING SECRETS IN
Draco sniggered, then found a chair that looked relatively sturdy and settled himself in it. He opened the book and saw the neat, slightly-childish writing on the first page. A child’s diary; there would be no demons here. He began to read.
2nd January 1970
Yesterday Uncle Cygnus asked me and Sirius about the Black family tapestry. Sirius said that Papa and Uncle Cygnus once had a fight over the family tapestry. It used to be in the house where Uncle Cygnus and Aunt Druella and Bella and Andromeda and Cissy live. Sirius said that they only live there because Great Uncle Regulus (not me, because I’m just Regulus, and anyway, I’m the only Regulus that’s still alive) because Great Uncle Regulus didn’t have any children and Papa had our house and Auntie Lucretia was married to Uncle Ignatius and she lived in his house, so Great Uncle Regulus gave his house to Uncle Cygnus and Aunt Druella when he died in 1959, so that they could live there, because they were the next nearest family.
And the family tapestry used to be in their house. But it isn’t any more. It’s in our house now, and Sirius said that Papa and Uncle Cygnus fought over it. Uncle Cygnus said that it was in his house, and it should stay there, by Merlin. (I don’t know if he really said, ‘by Merlin.’ Mama says it’s something that only common people say, and she’s Uncle Cygnus’s sister, so I don’t think Uncle Cygnus would’ve said it either, but Sirius said he did.) And Papa said that he was of the first line of the Blacks, which is because Papa’s grandfather was called Sirius and he was born in 1877 and Uncle Cygnus’s grandfather was called Cygnus and he was only born in 1889. Because Papa’s grandfather was twelve years older it means that we’re the most important part of the family and Grandfather Arcturus is the Head of the Family. That’s why Sirius is The Heir and Bellatrix wouldn’t even be The Heir if she were a boy, even though she’s much bigger than me and Sirius. And that is why you can’t take our tapestry off the wall, not even when Kreacher is spring cleaning. Sirius said that Papa and Mama didn’t want anyone to take it away, the way we took it from Uncle Cygnus, so they stuck it to the wall for ever and ever.
Yesterday I was tested with Sirius on the Black Family History. It means that Sirius and I had to spend hours and hours last week with Mama standing in front of the tapestry and remembering everybody who’s on it. Sirius is better at it than me. That’s not just because he got tested last year as well. He just is better. He can remember people all the way back hundreds and hundreds of years ago, when wizards were being burned by the stupid Muggles who were scared of us, or just jealous. I’d be jealous of me too, if I was a Muggle. Muggles don’t even get to go to Hogwarts. Sirius is going to go to Hogwarts next year, and it’s not fair because I want to go too, but Sirius is going first because he’s older, and that is why he’s The Heir and I am not.
If I was The Heir then the house-elves would bring me sweets even when Bellatrix told them not to. But Sirius sometimes shares his sweets with me, so I don’t mind too much. Sirius didn’t get any sweets at our testing, though, because he was bad. I didn’t get any because I was stupid. I bet Bella and Andromeda and Cissy will be allowed to eat them all now, even though they’re girls.
We were at Uncle Cygnus and Aunt Druella’s house last night because it is New Year’s Day. We go every year, and they spend Christmas with us. And last Christmas Uncle Cygnus looked at the tapestry for a long time and then said, “I hope you’ve been studying your history, young Regulus. I shall be testing you on your knowledge when you come to us for New Year.”
Sirius groaned at that, and Andromeda kicked him on the ankle, and he kicked her back. So then Sirius got sent to his room without supper, even though it was Christmas day, because Blacks Don’t Kick Girls. Me and Andromeda sneaked him up some food when Kreacher was cleaning the dining room. Andromeda didn’t mind about being kicked. Not like Cissy. If Cissy had been kicked she would’ve cried. Sirius says that Cissy is a good name for her. Once, though, I saw Cissy crying when Aunt Druella said she couldn’t have a pet Crup, and there were no tears on her cheeks even though it sounded like she was really upset. I tried it the next time Mama said I had to eat my sprouts even though I really really hate them, and I got sent to my room because Blacks Don’t Cry. Sirius said I should be glad, because I didn’t have to eat my sprouts after all. But I didn’t get to eat pudding. Well, okay, I got the bit that Sirius smuggled up in his pocket, but I didn’t get to eat pudding that didn’t have fluff on it.
But I don’t want to write about fluffy pudding. I want to write about being tested by Uncle Cygnus and what happened after it, because that is my first secret.
We got tested after supper, which was bad because I was sleepy. Sirius and I were allowed to drink some of the wine that the grown ups had. I didn’t like the taste, even though I told Uncle Cygnus that I did. The wine made me feel tingly all over, and when Uncle Cygnus told us to come to his study I felt sick and wanted to hold Sirius’s hand, but Sirius had his hands in his pockets, and anyway Sirius doesn’t like holding hands.
I know it is very bad not to like somebody in your family, but sometimes I don’t like Uncle Cygnus very much, even though I love him because he is my Uncle. He has very big eyebrows that look like two black flobberworms squirming away on his face. When he stares at you it feels like he’s a snake that’s about to bite. He stared at us like that in the study. He sat down in his chair, and we had to stand in front of him with our hands behind our backs, and Uncle Cygnus just stared at us until my knees started to shake.
Then he asked who the first person on the family tree was, and that was easy because Mama had made us say his name hundreds of times, but I had to let Sirius speak first so it looked like it was just him who got it right, even though I knew the answer. But I didn’t know the next question, and then got all muddled and said that the first Black called Phineas was born in 1614 instead of 1416.
“Wasn’t there a Black who told the witch-hunters that his mother was a witch because he didn’t like her?” Sirius asked.
I knew this was a bad thing for him to have asked because Uncle Cygnus got his snake look again, and the flobberworms above his eyes met in the middle.
“There is no mention of any such person on the family tree,” he said. “And loyalty has always been a prized family trait.”
I wanted Sirius not to say anything more, because he was going to get into trouble, but Sirius gets into lots of trouble and he never seems to care.
“There’s a burn mark right where his name could’ve been,” Sirius said. “He would’ve been Castor Black’s son, born in 1535.”
“Enough!” shouted Uncle Cygnus.
But Uncle Cygnus can’t sound as angry as Mama can when he shouts ‘enough’, which maybe was why Sirius wasn’t as scared as he should have been.
“Anyway, isn’t loyalty for Hufflepuff House?” he asked. “I think it would be brilliant if it was true.”
Then I got really scared because Uncle Cygnus pulled out his wand, and he pointed it right at Sirius, and even Sirius looked frightened then. I wanted to cry but I didn’t because Blacks Don’t Cry so it would have made it worse.
“Blacks do not deal in betrayal, Sirius,” Uncle Cygnus said. “And you would do well to remember yourself if you would be Heir to our family.” Then he looked down at me and said, “remember, there is an alternative.”
After that he told us to leave, and it was hard not to run out of his study, but we had to keep walking. Sirius was angry. I could tell because he didn’t say anything. If Sirius is angry he either says nothing at all or he shouts and shouts and shouts. Normally he shouts if he’s angry with Mama and says nothing if he’s angry with Papa. And even though Uncle Cygnus is Mama’s brother, he is more like Papa.
Mama and Papa were both angry that we had not done better with the testing. I have to spend two hours every Sunday morning reading the tapestry as punishment for forgetting the dates. Sirius was sent to his room when we got home from Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus’s, and he isn’t allowed to have the Potion making kit that he got for Christmas for two weeks.
Sirius says that he doesn’t care, because he hates Potions. But he looked really pleased when he unwrapped the present, so I don’t think he’s telling the truth.
Today Mama went to the hospital to visit some patients who are ill and who are unlucky because they aren’t Blacks and some aren’t even purebloods, but Mama goes to see them all because she says it is Her Duty as a member of society. She doesn’t see the Muggle-borns of course. They’re on a different ward, and when she takes me and Sirius along Mama never lets us go near it because she says it’s dirty.
While Mama had gone to St Mungo’s and Papa was working in his study, Sirius and I were meant to be doing quiet reading. But Sirius grabbed my arm and whispered “Come on, I’m not staying here any longer,” and when I said that we weren’t allowed he just rolled his eyes and said, “Well you don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”
I did want to.
Sirius and I went out of the back door and then had to climb over the fence to get into the alley that runs along the back of our garden. Getting over the fence was quite difficult, but once we’d done it we were all on our own and doing something that wasn’t allowed, which was very exciting. Sirius said we were going to go exploring, but there wasn’t much to explore near our house, and Sirius kept saying, “Come on, let’s go this way,” until I didn’t know where we were anymore, and I thought we were going to get lost, and then Mama and Papa would have to come and look for us, because Sirius and I can’t both get lost forever because one of us has to be The Heir. So I knew Mama and Papa would come, but they would be angry when they found us, because going outside where all the Muggles go is a bad thing to do.
I told Sirius, and he said that I was a whiny baby and he wished I hadn’t come. So then I couldn’t say anything else.
After ages and ages we arrived at a big park. I was surprised, because it’s the same park Mama took us to last summer, with Bella and Andromeda and Cissy, and it wasn’t far away at all that time. In the park there were lots of children playing a game where one boy ran around and tried to touch the others, and when the others were touched they had to stand still with their legs apart until somebody crawled beneath their legs and then they could run again. It looked very strange, but Sirius liked it and wanted to watch. Then the boy who was chasing everybody stopped running and shouted, “Do you two want to play?” And Sirius said that we did want to play, even though some of the children could’ve been Muggles and we might have to touch them.
I didn’t really understand the game. Sirius had to tell me off for running when I wasn’t supposed to, but after a while I sort of worked out what we were meant to do and it was quite fun. Sirius was very good at it. He can run very fast, faster then me because he has longer legs, and when it was his turn to chase people he got nearly all of them ‘stuck in the mud’ (that was what it was called when the people had to stand still. Even though it wasn’t that muddy).
When it got late I knew Mama would be coming back soon, so I wanted to go home, but Sirius wanted to stay, even though most of the other children had gone. The boy who had called us over to play came to talk to us.
“Hello,” he said. “I’m Derek. Do you play football? We come and play every Saturday.”
“I’m Sam,” Sirius said. “And this is my brother, Reggie.”
I was about to tell Derek that Sirius was being stupid and that his name was Sirius, not Sam, and that I am NOT called Reggie (only Grandma Melania ever calls me that), but Sirius kicked me. Hard.
“Bad luck. Do you have to babysit?” Derek asked. And Sirius laughed, and they both looked at me.
“I’ll leave him at home next time,” Sirius said. “Saturday for football, yeah?”
“See you,” said Derek.
I felt like saying that we wouldn’t see him because there was no way Mama was going to let Sirius out to play football with a boy he’d only just met. I’ve never even heard of football before, which means it must be something Muggles do. I was going to say this, but Sirius started dragging me away. He didn’t let go until we were almost out of the park.
“How do you know that boy isn’t a Muggle?” I asked.
Sirius grinned his really big smile that he only does when he’s doing something naughty. “He is a Muggle. They all are.”
I couldn’t believe that we spent all that time with Muggles and Sirius knew and didn’t tell me. Now I knew Mama was going to be very very angry if she found out.
“Mama will never let you go. You’re mad,” I told him.
“I’m going to go anyway,” Sirius said. “I liked playing with them.” Then he grabbed my wrist and squeezed it really hard, and suddenly his face went all snake-like, just like Uncle Cygnus’s, and I was scared of him. “You’re not going to tell Mama or Papa or anyone else,” he said. “Because if you tell then it would be a betrayal and Blacks Don’t Betray Each Other.”
I nodded, and Sirius let go of my arm. He smiled, and looked normal and back to being Sirius. “Come on,” he said. “Mama is going to skin us if we’re not back by the time she gets home. We’ll have to run.”
And we ran all the way home, then had to hide in our rooms with our books when Mama came home because we were panting. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a big secret before. Every time Mama looked at me this evening I could feel the secret in my head, buzzing about, and had to keep my mouth clamped shut so it wouldn’t pop out.
Which is why I’m writing it here instead. Because I won’t ever betray Sirius. Never. Because we’re Blacks.
*
30th August 1970
I don’t have any secrets anymore. Bella came and took them all. So this isn’t a secret and I shouldn’t write it here, but I have to. I think that if I don’t write about it then I’ll explode. It’s horrid. Sirius hates me and Mama is so angry. It’s all because of Bella. She came this morning with Andromeda and Cissy to see us, because Andromeda and Cissy are going back to school very soon so they had to come and say goodbye. Sirius wanted to know all about Hogwarts - even more than usual, because he is going to go next year. He wants to go this year. He said to me that playing football with Derek is the only fun thing to do around here. He’s been going off with Derek nearly every week when Mama isn’t at home, and every time he went I worried that Mama and Papa would find out that Sirius has been cavorting with Muggles. And now they have, and they’re so angry. They might even take Sirius off the family tree and say he’s not The Heir any more, and then I would be The Heir and I don’t want to be, even if it meant I was more important than Bellatrix.
I’ll never be better than Bellatrix. She’s too strong. She’s left school now, but this summer she’s been having extra lessons with Mr Lestrange. Mr Lestrange is a powerful wizard who knows lots about the sort of magic that Hogwarts doesn’t teach any more. Papa says it’s a shame Hogwarts has turned its back on the old ways, and he wanted Bellatrix to tell him about the good things she’s learnt with Mr Lestrange.
When Bella and Andromeda and Cissy and Sirius and I were talking about Mr Lestrange’s lessons, all Bella and Cissy would talk about was how ugly Mr Lestrange’s sons were, and then laugh. Even Andromeda laughed, and she’s normally better about not being a girl than Bellatrix and Narcissa.
When I was by myself in the room with Bella she came and sat next to me. She sat so close that I was nearly on her lap, the way I remember sitting on her knee when I was little. I didn’t like being so close to Bella, but I couldn’t move. She started stroking my hair and told me that I was a better Black than Sirius, and I was her favourite cousin and when I was older she was going to teach me lots and lots of special magic that only really special wizards got to learn. She said that she could tell that I was going to be a great wizard, even though I haven’t been to school yet.
Then she said would I like to see some of the special magic? It was very difficult magic that she’d only just learnt, but now she knew it she could teach it to me, she said.
So I said yes. I wanted to learn the special magic, especially if Sirius didn’t know it, then I would be able to do something he can’t even though he’s going to school next year and I’m not.
“You have to look into my eyes,” Bella said. “Just keep looking into my eyes. That’s good, little Regulus.”
I don’t like being called little Regulus because I was nine AGES ago. Sometimes Bella doesn’t even say ‘Regulus’ properly. She says ‘Wegulus’ in a silly baby voice and calls Sirius ‘Siwius’ which he doesn’t like either.
I looked into Bella’s eyes, and thought that she was doing the snake-stare too, but it was a bit different. It was like she wanted to see the back of my skull, like she was looking straight through my brain. Then I didn’t see Bella any more. I saw Mama’s vase which I broke by accident and I was so scared I hid the pieces away even though that meant that she couldn’t mend it again, and she made Kreacher iron his fingers for letting it go missing. I saw Papa’s study which Sirius and I are not allowed in, and saw the time when Sirius and I snuck in to read his exciting books and saw a lot of parchment with pictures of naked men and ladies on, and Sirius had said we Mustn’t Ever Tell. It got worse and worse. I saw the time I kicked Kreacher for tidying up my obstacle course in my room. I saw the time Sirius broke all my Quidditch toys because he’d broken his own and wanted mine to be broken too.
Then, worst of all, I saw Sirius taking to Derek, and then Sirius was saying to me, “Because if you tell then it would be a betrayal and Blacks Don’t Betray Each Other.”
After that it was all over. I could see Bella again. Her face was right up close to mine, and she was smiling. Then she leant even closer and kissed me on the cheek. I had to sit very still because I wanted to move away but thought that Bella wouldn’t be pleased if I did.
“What a good boy you are, Regulus,” she said, and she stroked my hair again before she went away.
I still feel sick and shaky just thinking about it. It was horrid, sitting there on my own in the room and thinking about all the things that she made me see. If she had seen them too then I must have betrayed Sirius, and that’s the worst thing I could’ve done in the world.
Sirius came in then, and I was really scared that Bella had seen my memory of him talking to Derek, and I must have looked really scared, because Sirius came over to me and put his arm round my shoulder even though he says he’s too big for cuddles and that I should be too.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, and I couldn’t tell him, so I shook my head and told him to go away.
“Regulus, what’s wrong?” he said again. “Was it Bella? Bloody hell, it was Bella, wasn’t it? What’s she done to you?”
I wanted to warn him that I had given his secret away, and I wanted to tell him that I hadn’t meant to, and I couldn’t make myself say it. Then the door opened and Mama walked in. I knew that second that Bella had seen and had told Mama. I didn’t even need to see Bella following Mama and smiling to know. Mama’s face was horrible. I’ve never seen her look like that, and she gets cross with me and Sirius all the time. So I thought I knew all her angry faces, but I didn’t.
She didn’t even have to say anything. Sirius jumped up and took a few steps away from me and from Mama and Bella. His face was angry too, but he wasn’t looking at Mama. He looked at me instead.
“You slimy little traitor,” he shouted at me. Then Mama told me to go to my room, and I ran all the way because I didn’t want to see that look on Sirius’s face any more.
The shouting went on for ages and ages, and after a while I couldn’t tell which voice was Mama’s and which voice was Sirius’s, because all I could hear was screaming. At last I heard Sirius stamping up the stairs. I was a bit scared that he would come into my room and break things or hit me or yell, but he didn’t. He went into his bedroom and slammed the door so hard that two books fell off my shelf. Someone else came up the stairs and banged on Sirius’s door. It was Andromeda - she yelled at Sirius to let her in, and Sirius yelled back. Andromeda and Sirius quite like yelling at each other, I think, so that was better than Sirius and Mama yelling at each other.
I didn’t know whether I should go downstairs for Mama to punish me for knowing about Derek and for not telling. I didn’t want to go down but I didn’t want to just sit in my bedroom either. Then there was a knock on my door. It was Cissy, and she looked completely calm, like there hadn’t been any shouting at all.
Cissy is beautiful. Everyone says so. Everyone says Bella is beautiful too, and I suppose she is when she isn’t saying something horrid or looking like a snake. People say that Andromeda isn’t nearly as pretty as Bella, which I think is unfair as Andromeda is much nicer. But Cissy is beautiful like a doll is beautiful. Not like Bella, who can look mean at the same time. Cissy looks like she could break if you were ever nasty to her, and she always seems so pretty and calm that you think nothing bad can happen when she’s there.
Of course then she tells tales to Mama or Papa or Aunt Druella or Uncle Cygnus or Bella and gets me and Sirius in trouble, and she’s no good at talking about Quidditch, and when I was little she used to make me wear stupid robes with frills on them for fun.
But Cissy looked calm and beautiful and I felt better. She sat on my bed and gave me a proper cuddle and told me that I had done the right thing, and it was natural that I’d wanted to keep a secret for Sirius because family loyalty is very important and he’s my brother, but that it was good that Bella found out because Sirius had been doing something very very wrong, which he probably did because he was young and didn’t know any better.
I thought that was a bit silly because I knew it was wrong and Sirius is bigger than me, but Cissy said that showed what a credit to the family I was going to be.
Cissy told me to come downstairs with her, and she and Bella and Mama and Papa and I had tea and we pretended that Sirius and Andromeda weren’t still upstairs. Andromeda came down when it was time to go and she patted my head and told me that Sirius would be all right.
But he wouldn’t speak to me when I knocked on his door this evening with some of the cakes from tea.
3rd September 1970
Sirius still won’t talk to me very much. He just stays in his room all the time. I’ve tried to get him to let me in but he won’t. When I tried to go in anyway I couldn’t open the door.
Mama said that Sirius was obviously not a good influence for me at the moment, and when she went to the hospital to visit the ill people she let me come too. It was really good, even though Mama had to spend a long time talking to people. Everyone was very grateful that Mama was coming to the hospital and they were all very polite to her. She told me that it was because Blacks deserve to be treated with respect wherever they go, and that Blacks have to work hard to keep earning that respect which is why Mama visits St Mungo’s.
When we had talked to everyone on the ward, we went to the tea shop and Mama let me choose whichever cake I liked. I thought about saving a little bit for Sirius, but it was really good cake and Sirius isn’t speaking to me and Mama might’ve noticed, so I didn’t. Afterwards I thought we were going to go home, but Mama said that there was a special part of the hospital that we were going to go to. It was just another ward full of people in beds, but everyone there had lots of giant red spots all over them.
“Mrs Black, how good of you to come,” the Healer said, like all the others. Then the Healer looked at me and then at Mama and Mama must’ve known what the Healer was going to say because she said, “My son and I are both safe.”
Most of the people on the ward were asleep. I knew one man was awake even though his eyes were closed because he was groaning. Whatever he had that gave him the spots must’ve been very painful.
“Regulus,” Mama said. “Do you see that woman opposite us?”
I nodded.
“That woman is feeling very poorly,” Mama said. “What do you think would make her feel better?”
“Some medicine?” I said.
Mama laughed. “Yes, but there is something that you could do to cheer her up. That woman would like a kiss on the cheek.”
I looked at the lady Mama was talking about. She was lying very still in the bed, and her chest was going up and down very quickly. Her eyes were closed and she didn’t look as though she’d care if she was kissed or not. Her face was covered in the big red spots. It looked like something was trying to push its way out of her face. I didn’t want to kiss her at all.
“Regulus,” Mama said, in her ‘I’m going to get cross in a minute’ voice. “Remember that the Blacks must deserve the respect of the public. It’s our duty.”
So then I knew I had to go and kiss the woman. Afterwards Mama gave me a book and told me that I should read some of it to the woman. It was really boring, but I tried to read it nicely so that Mama would know I was doing my duty properly.
Sirius talked when we got home, so I told him about the hospital, and he said it sounded very dull and he was glad that Mama didn’t want to take him. I told him that it was brilliant so that he would know that I had had a nice time with Mama without him. I didn’t tell him about kissing the woman with spots, because there’s no way that that was brilliant.
20th September 1970
It has been a long time since I could write in here, because I have been in St Mungo’s. But first I need to write about when Papa was away and Mama said that she had to go out, and Sirius and I couldn’t come. She said that Sirius was big enough to stay at home by himself if he liked, and Sirius said he did like. I had to go to someone to look after me, even though I’ll be ten next year which is how old Sirius is.
I thought that Mama would take me to Aunt Druella or Auntie Lucretia, but she didn’t. We didn’t even go by Floo. We walked on the street with all the Muggles, past the park, and to an enormous house. Mama said, “You’re going to stay with Mrs Jackson. Remember she and her family are Muggles and you mustn’t let them know that you are a wizard.”
I was very shocked, because Mama doesn’t like Muggles and she hates it when we have to pretend to be Muggles to go to the park. I must’ve looked shocked too, because Mama told me to close my mouth for pity’s sake. We had to climb up some stairs that were on the outside of the big building, and Mama looked as though she was treading in something disgusting on every step, so I knew she didn’t like where we were. After three flights of stairs there was a door, and Mama knocked on it, and a lady answered the door who I’d never seen before, but Mama said, “Hello, Mrs Jackson. How lovely to see you again.”
Then Derek - Sirius’s Derek from the park - came running to the door, and he saw me and looked surprised.
“Hello Reggie,” he said. I looked at Mama, because she doesn’t like me being called Reggie either, and her lips were pursed but she didn’t say anything.
Then Derek said, “I thought it was Sam coming to play.”
“Sam is busy today, but my younger son desperately wanted to come and play,” said Mama, and she smiled at Derek and Mrs Jackson. “I hope you don’t mind.”
Derek didn’t look very pleased, but Mrs Jackson said, “That’s no problem. The boys will have a fine time together. Don’t you worry.”
Only I was worried, because Mama left and I was alone with the Muggles.
At first Derek wanted to me to play football with him, but I wasn’t very good. He couldn’t believe that I hadn’t played at all. “I thought you would’ve played with Sam,” he said. “He’s brilliant.” So after football we played tag, which was easier to understand, but after running around for a while I started to feel really dizzy, and then I was sick.
When we went back into Derek’s house - actually it was a flat, because they didn’t live in the whole big house, only in a little bit of it - Mrs Jackson felt my forehead and said that I was burning up. So she told me to sit on the sofa and Derek and I listened to records which are a bit like the Wizarding Wireless Network, only you get to choose your own music. Derek had some football figures, which were like my Quidditch figures only without the brooms, and the footballers didn’t fly. They didn’t even move. I didn’t really care that the toys were boring, though, because I felt sick and hot and dizzy. Mrs Jackson said should we telephone Mama, but I don’t know what a telephone is, and when she asked for our telephone number I said we didn’t have one.
That was weeks and weeks ago. When Mama came to collect me she took me straight to St Mungo’s. But I felt so bad when I got there that I don’t remember what happened. Then I had to spend ages in hospital because I had Dragon Pox. I had to stay on the same ward as all the people with big red spots on their faces, and I had great big spots too. Mama came to see me lots, and Papa came once, and Bellatrix came as well, because she had Dragon Pox when she was little. But Sirius hasn’t had it, so he had to stay at home and not come to the hospital, otherwise he could get infected.
I asked Mama why she took me to see the people with Dragon Pox if it meant that I got infected, and she gave me a cross look and said that Blacks had to do their Duty even if it meant getting Dragon Pox. She said that she trusts me to do my Duty more than she trusts Sirius to do his.
But Sirius has been really nice since I got back from hospital, and shared lots of his books with me because I am going to have to stay in bed at home for another week, so I didn’t tell him what Mama said.
1st September 1971
Sirius is gone. The house is so boring without him. We took him to the train station today to catch the Hogwarts Express. I can’t wait until it’s my turn to go to school, although I think I would be sad to say goodbye to Mama and Papa. Sirius didn’t seem very sad. He was too excited to be going to school. Cissy said that she would take care of Sirius, and Sirius said that he would tell Cissy to shove off just as soon as he could.
It’s strange to think tonight that Sirius is all the way up in Scotland and I’m here in London. It’s strange to think that he’s in a dormitory with other boys now, in the Slytherin dungeons. Sirius has been wanting to sleep in the dungeons ever since Bella told us about them. It’s not fair that I have to wait a whole year before I get to sleep in them too.
2nd September 1971
Cissy sent an owl to Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus, and they Flooed straight round to tell Mama and Papa. Sirius isn’t in Slytherin! He got Sorted into Gryffindor! Uncle Cygnus looked all smug when he was telling Papa about it, probably because Bella and Andromeda and Cissy all got Sorted into Slytherin, and Papa got angry and said, “There’s plenty of worth in Gryffindor house, after all, Cygnus,” even though he doesn’t really think that because Papa says that Gryffindors are Muggle-lovers and Hufflepuffs are Muggle-borns and neither house ever uses the brains God gave them. He says that Dumbledore’s namby pamby policies just show that he came from Gryffindor house.
“I take it you’ve heard the news,” Phineas Nigellus said, just as Papa and Uncle Cygnus were shouting at each other about The Heir being a Gryffindor. Phineas Nigellus is a portrait in our house who used to be headmaster of Hogwarts, so he has a portrait at the school as well and knows all about what happens there.
“Were you coming to tell us, Phineas?” Mama asked. Mama had gone very white and she was acting very calm, which made me afraid because Mama is never calm when she’s angry. She’s usually breaking things, and Papa is the one who’s calm. But Papa always fights with Uncle Cygnus and Mama probably didn’t want to get cross while there were guests in the house, even though the guests were Family.
“I was indeed, Ma’am,” Phineas said, nodding at Mama. He sounded quite pleased. “Shocking news. The first Black not in Slytherin for more than a century, and a Gryffindor to boot. We’ve had a few Ravenclaws in the past - my own son Arcturus was one, but a Gryffindor …”
It was as though I could hear Sirius’s voice in my head. I thought of the burn mark under Phineas Nigellus’s name on the Family Tree, where one of his children was taken off the tapestry. I wondered what the child had done, and whether they had been in a different house. I think that if Sirius was here he would have asked him. But maybe Sirius asking things he shouldn’t was a sign that he was going to be a Gryffindor and not a Slytherin. I didn’t ask.
Mama’s just started to scream now. I think Kreacher’s joining in. I don’t think we’ll get much sleep tonight.
3rd September 1971
Sirius wrote to me! He hasn’t written to Mama or Papa, and he wrote on the top of the letter: DO NOT SHOW THIS TO MAMA OR PAPA. OR BELLATRIX. It also said: BURN AFTER READING, but I think that’s silly, so I have put it in my secret diary instead. This is what he wrote:
Dear Regulus,
I expect I’ve gone and done it this time, eh? The kneazle must really be among the pixies at home. I don’t envy you. Has Mama smashed anything yet?
First things first, Hogwarts is BRILLIANT. It’s massive and we’ve started doing spells already. Most of it’s pretty basic stuff - for the benefit of the Muggle-borns, you know, who weren’t tutored at home. Anyway, the food is great, and there are loads of ghosts. The Gryffindor ghost is called Nearly Headless Nick, because they tried to chop off his head but didn’t cut it clean off, so it just sort of flaps around on his neck. He’s much better than the Slytherin ghost. All he does is look ugly and blood-stained.
I didn’t mean to get put in Gryffindor, you know. And I know Mama and Papa will be really disappointed. But I put the hat on - the Sorting Hat - and I waited for it to say ‘Slytherin’ and it hemmed and hawed a bit, and said that I was a bit different, wasn’t I, and I said yes, and it said that it felt like a change, and there I was in Gryffindor. It’s not half bad. We live in a tower and the common room’s fantastic, and the boy in the bed next to mine, James Potter, is really cool. He’s got a proper racing broom at home and is going to try out for the team next year. And he’s a pureblood and that, so Mama needn’t worry. There’s only a half-blood in our dorm, Remus Lupin, and so far he keeps to himself.
Got to go. James reckons he’s found a way out of the castle!
Sirius
Now I want to know if Sirius and James found a way out of the castle. I can imagine Sirius in the tower with James and the other boys. It makes me a bit sad to think that he’s having fun and I’m not there. I won’t ever be there. I’ll be in Slytherin. I’ll have to be. I’ll show the Sorting Hat it’s not time for a change, because I’m a Black and it’s my Duty to be in Slytherin.
Part Two
Word Count: 12,110
Rating: PG
Characters: Regulus Black, Sirius Black, Draco Malfoy
Summary: REGULUS ARCTURUS BLACK’S SECRET DIARY THAT ANDROMEDA GAVE HIM FOR CHRISTMAS FOR KEEPING SECRETS IN
Draco sniggered … a child’s diary; there would be no demons here.
Note: Written for hp_summergen in 2007, and is therefore not DH compliant.
Dulce et Decorum est pro Familia Mori
*
Draco Malfoy had never thought of his home as small until he was effectively imprisoned in it. It was amazing, really, how claustrophobic one could get in a manor with fifteen bedrooms (eleven of which were en-suite), a library, a breakfast room, a dining room, a green sitting room, a blue sitting room and a Louis XV sitting room, as well as a ballroom, fencing salle and armoury. Not counting, of course, the kitchen and the house-elves’ quarters, which Draco was very nearly bored enough to visit.
Instead he paced the library, paced each of the three sitting rooms, paced his bedroom, which had a view of the Quidditch Pitch on which he was not allowed to play. He only didn’t go down to the kitchens because he was sure that Someone Important might come to see him anytime soon: The Dark Lord, his father, his mother, Snape … and when they did, Draco did not want to be found hobnobbing with the servants. He was in enough trouble as it was.
Staying in his own chartered territory was insupportable. Every room - every item, even, in every room, reminded him of his childhood, his history, of what he was, of what he had to fight for and what he had to lose. Every object in the entire Manor called Draco back to the night on the tower when he had looked an old and weakened man - his enemy, his headmaster - in the eyes and had started to lower his wand. That night he’d failed. He’d started something that he was caught in now, and he didn’t know whether the Dark Lord was going to kill him or punish him, or kill or punish his mother or father in his stead, and half the time Draco wished that the Dark Lord would just get on and do whatever it was he was going to do, because it happening couldn’t be worse than waiting for it to happen, could it?
It was at this point that Draco felt most trapped, because it was at this point in his reasoning that he started looking for ways out.
When he remembered the attic, it felt like freedom. Here, finally, was something new, untainted, something he could use to buy himself a few hours without thought. He stood on the landing of the top floor of the house, found the groove in the ceiling, and tapped it with his wand. A staircase - elaborate and red-carpeted - descended. And Draco climbed up. Whatever Cleaning Charms had been left on the place had obviously worn off; the floor was carpeted with a layer of dust and dead spiders. Draco made a mental note to order the house-elves to clean it when he next spoke to them. But for now he moved through the attic space, blasting cobwebs out of the way with his wand, jumping a little in fright when one of them brushed the back of his neck. He weaved his way through piles of ugly furniture and broken toys. It reminded him of the room at Hogwarts where he’d gone to work on the Vanishing - no, Draco told himself. He wasn’t going to think of that. He turned to a nearby set of boxes. In the top box was a collection of books - mostly battered Potions texts and the odd annual. Draco was about push them away when silver lettering caught his eye. It was a black book, bound in worn leather like the others. And etched with a slightly-crooked Engraving Charm on the front cover were the words:
REGULUS ARCTURUS BLACK’S SECRET DIARY THAT ANDROMEDA GAVE HIM FOR CHRISTMAS FOR KEEPING SECRETS IN
Draco sniggered, then found a chair that looked relatively sturdy and settled himself in it. He opened the book and saw the neat, slightly-childish writing on the first page. A child’s diary; there would be no demons here. He began to read.
2nd January 1970
Yesterday Uncle Cygnus asked me and Sirius about the Black family tapestry. Sirius said that Papa and Uncle Cygnus once had a fight over the family tapestry. It used to be in the house where Uncle Cygnus and Aunt Druella and Bella and Andromeda and Cissy live. Sirius said that they only live there because Great Uncle Regulus (not me, because I’m just Regulus, and anyway, I’m the only Regulus that’s still alive) because Great Uncle Regulus didn’t have any children and Papa had our house and Auntie Lucretia was married to Uncle Ignatius and she lived in his house, so Great Uncle Regulus gave his house to Uncle Cygnus and Aunt Druella when he died in 1959, so that they could live there, because they were the next nearest family.
And the family tapestry used to be in their house. But it isn’t any more. It’s in our house now, and Sirius said that Papa and Uncle Cygnus fought over it. Uncle Cygnus said that it was in his house, and it should stay there, by Merlin. (I don’t know if he really said, ‘by Merlin.’ Mama says it’s something that only common people say, and she’s Uncle Cygnus’s sister, so I don’t think Uncle Cygnus would’ve said it either, but Sirius said he did.) And Papa said that he was of the first line of the Blacks, which is because Papa’s grandfather was called Sirius and he was born in 1877 and Uncle Cygnus’s grandfather was called Cygnus and he was only born in 1889. Because Papa’s grandfather was twelve years older it means that we’re the most important part of the family and Grandfather Arcturus is the Head of the Family. That’s why Sirius is The Heir and Bellatrix wouldn’t even be The Heir if she were a boy, even though she’s much bigger than me and Sirius. And that is why you can’t take our tapestry off the wall, not even when Kreacher is spring cleaning. Sirius said that Papa and Mama didn’t want anyone to take it away, the way we took it from Uncle Cygnus, so they stuck it to the wall for ever and ever.
Yesterday I was tested with Sirius on the Black Family History. It means that Sirius and I had to spend hours and hours last week with Mama standing in front of the tapestry and remembering everybody who’s on it. Sirius is better at it than me. That’s not just because he got tested last year as well. He just is better. He can remember people all the way back hundreds and hundreds of years ago, when wizards were being burned by the stupid Muggles who were scared of us, or just jealous. I’d be jealous of me too, if I was a Muggle. Muggles don’t even get to go to Hogwarts. Sirius is going to go to Hogwarts next year, and it’s not fair because I want to go too, but Sirius is going first because he’s older, and that is why he’s The Heir and I am not.
If I was The Heir then the house-elves would bring me sweets even when Bellatrix told them not to. But Sirius sometimes shares his sweets with me, so I don’t mind too much. Sirius didn’t get any sweets at our testing, though, because he was bad. I didn’t get any because I was stupid. I bet Bella and Andromeda and Cissy will be allowed to eat them all now, even though they’re girls.
We were at Uncle Cygnus and Aunt Druella’s house last night because it is New Year’s Day. We go every year, and they spend Christmas with us. And last Christmas Uncle Cygnus looked at the tapestry for a long time and then said, “I hope you’ve been studying your history, young Regulus. I shall be testing you on your knowledge when you come to us for New Year.”
Sirius groaned at that, and Andromeda kicked him on the ankle, and he kicked her back. So then Sirius got sent to his room without supper, even though it was Christmas day, because Blacks Don’t Kick Girls. Me and Andromeda sneaked him up some food when Kreacher was cleaning the dining room. Andromeda didn’t mind about being kicked. Not like Cissy. If Cissy had been kicked she would’ve cried. Sirius says that Cissy is a good name for her. Once, though, I saw Cissy crying when Aunt Druella said she couldn’t have a pet Crup, and there were no tears on her cheeks even though it sounded like she was really upset. I tried it the next time Mama said I had to eat my sprouts even though I really really hate them, and I got sent to my room because Blacks Don’t Cry. Sirius said I should be glad, because I didn’t have to eat my sprouts after all. But I didn’t get to eat pudding. Well, okay, I got the bit that Sirius smuggled up in his pocket, but I didn’t get to eat pudding that didn’t have fluff on it.
But I don’t want to write about fluffy pudding. I want to write about being tested by Uncle Cygnus and what happened after it, because that is my first secret.
We got tested after supper, which was bad because I was sleepy. Sirius and I were allowed to drink some of the wine that the grown ups had. I didn’t like the taste, even though I told Uncle Cygnus that I did. The wine made me feel tingly all over, and when Uncle Cygnus told us to come to his study I felt sick and wanted to hold Sirius’s hand, but Sirius had his hands in his pockets, and anyway Sirius doesn’t like holding hands.
I know it is very bad not to like somebody in your family, but sometimes I don’t like Uncle Cygnus very much, even though I love him because he is my Uncle. He has very big eyebrows that look like two black flobberworms squirming away on his face. When he stares at you it feels like he’s a snake that’s about to bite. He stared at us like that in the study. He sat down in his chair, and we had to stand in front of him with our hands behind our backs, and Uncle Cygnus just stared at us until my knees started to shake.
Then he asked who the first person on the family tree was, and that was easy because Mama had made us say his name hundreds of times, but I had to let Sirius speak first so it looked like it was just him who got it right, even though I knew the answer. But I didn’t know the next question, and then got all muddled and said that the first Black called Phineas was born in 1614 instead of 1416.
“Wasn’t there a Black who told the witch-hunters that his mother was a witch because he didn’t like her?” Sirius asked.
I knew this was a bad thing for him to have asked because Uncle Cygnus got his snake look again, and the flobberworms above his eyes met in the middle.
“There is no mention of any such person on the family tree,” he said. “And loyalty has always been a prized family trait.”
I wanted Sirius not to say anything more, because he was going to get into trouble, but Sirius gets into lots of trouble and he never seems to care.
“There’s a burn mark right where his name could’ve been,” Sirius said. “He would’ve been Castor Black’s son, born in 1535.”
“Enough!” shouted Uncle Cygnus.
But Uncle Cygnus can’t sound as angry as Mama can when he shouts ‘enough’, which maybe was why Sirius wasn’t as scared as he should have been.
“Anyway, isn’t loyalty for Hufflepuff House?” he asked. “I think it would be brilliant if it was true.”
Then I got really scared because Uncle Cygnus pulled out his wand, and he pointed it right at Sirius, and even Sirius looked frightened then. I wanted to cry but I didn’t because Blacks Don’t Cry so it would have made it worse.
“Blacks do not deal in betrayal, Sirius,” Uncle Cygnus said. “And you would do well to remember yourself if you would be Heir to our family.” Then he looked down at me and said, “remember, there is an alternative.”
After that he told us to leave, and it was hard not to run out of his study, but we had to keep walking. Sirius was angry. I could tell because he didn’t say anything. If Sirius is angry he either says nothing at all or he shouts and shouts and shouts. Normally he shouts if he’s angry with Mama and says nothing if he’s angry with Papa. And even though Uncle Cygnus is Mama’s brother, he is more like Papa.
Mama and Papa were both angry that we had not done better with the testing. I have to spend two hours every Sunday morning reading the tapestry as punishment for forgetting the dates. Sirius was sent to his room when we got home from Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus’s, and he isn’t allowed to have the Potion making kit that he got for Christmas for two weeks.
Sirius says that he doesn’t care, because he hates Potions. But he looked really pleased when he unwrapped the present, so I don’t think he’s telling the truth.
Today Mama went to the hospital to visit some patients who are ill and who are unlucky because they aren’t Blacks and some aren’t even purebloods, but Mama goes to see them all because she says it is Her Duty as a member of society. She doesn’t see the Muggle-borns of course. They’re on a different ward, and when she takes me and Sirius along Mama never lets us go near it because she says it’s dirty.
While Mama had gone to St Mungo’s and Papa was working in his study, Sirius and I were meant to be doing quiet reading. But Sirius grabbed my arm and whispered “Come on, I’m not staying here any longer,” and when I said that we weren’t allowed he just rolled his eyes and said, “Well you don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”
I did want to.
Sirius and I went out of the back door and then had to climb over the fence to get into the alley that runs along the back of our garden. Getting over the fence was quite difficult, but once we’d done it we were all on our own and doing something that wasn’t allowed, which was very exciting. Sirius said we were going to go exploring, but there wasn’t much to explore near our house, and Sirius kept saying, “Come on, let’s go this way,” until I didn’t know where we were anymore, and I thought we were going to get lost, and then Mama and Papa would have to come and look for us, because Sirius and I can’t both get lost forever because one of us has to be The Heir. So I knew Mama and Papa would come, but they would be angry when they found us, because going outside where all the Muggles go is a bad thing to do.
I told Sirius, and he said that I was a whiny baby and he wished I hadn’t come. So then I couldn’t say anything else.
After ages and ages we arrived at a big park. I was surprised, because it’s the same park Mama took us to last summer, with Bella and Andromeda and Cissy, and it wasn’t far away at all that time. In the park there were lots of children playing a game where one boy ran around and tried to touch the others, and when the others were touched they had to stand still with their legs apart until somebody crawled beneath their legs and then they could run again. It looked very strange, but Sirius liked it and wanted to watch. Then the boy who was chasing everybody stopped running and shouted, “Do you two want to play?” And Sirius said that we did want to play, even though some of the children could’ve been Muggles and we might have to touch them.
I didn’t really understand the game. Sirius had to tell me off for running when I wasn’t supposed to, but after a while I sort of worked out what we were meant to do and it was quite fun. Sirius was very good at it. He can run very fast, faster then me because he has longer legs, and when it was his turn to chase people he got nearly all of them ‘stuck in the mud’ (that was what it was called when the people had to stand still. Even though it wasn’t that muddy).
When it got late I knew Mama would be coming back soon, so I wanted to go home, but Sirius wanted to stay, even though most of the other children had gone. The boy who had called us over to play came to talk to us.
“Hello,” he said. “I’m Derek. Do you play football? We come and play every Saturday.”
“I’m Sam,” Sirius said. “And this is my brother, Reggie.”
I was about to tell Derek that Sirius was being stupid and that his name was Sirius, not Sam, and that I am NOT called Reggie (only Grandma Melania ever calls me that), but Sirius kicked me. Hard.
“Bad luck. Do you have to babysit?” Derek asked. And Sirius laughed, and they both looked at me.
“I’ll leave him at home next time,” Sirius said. “Saturday for football, yeah?”
“See you,” said Derek.
I felt like saying that we wouldn’t see him because there was no way Mama was going to let Sirius out to play football with a boy he’d only just met. I’ve never even heard of football before, which means it must be something Muggles do. I was going to say this, but Sirius started dragging me away. He didn’t let go until we were almost out of the park.
“How do you know that boy isn’t a Muggle?” I asked.
Sirius grinned his really big smile that he only does when he’s doing something naughty. “He is a Muggle. They all are.”
I couldn’t believe that we spent all that time with Muggles and Sirius knew and didn’t tell me. Now I knew Mama was going to be very very angry if she found out.
“Mama will never let you go. You’re mad,” I told him.
“I’m going to go anyway,” Sirius said. “I liked playing with them.” Then he grabbed my wrist and squeezed it really hard, and suddenly his face went all snake-like, just like Uncle Cygnus’s, and I was scared of him. “You’re not going to tell Mama or Papa or anyone else,” he said. “Because if you tell then it would be a betrayal and Blacks Don’t Betray Each Other.”
I nodded, and Sirius let go of my arm. He smiled, and looked normal and back to being Sirius. “Come on,” he said. “Mama is going to skin us if we’re not back by the time she gets home. We’ll have to run.”
And we ran all the way home, then had to hide in our rooms with our books when Mama came home because we were panting. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a big secret before. Every time Mama looked at me this evening I could feel the secret in my head, buzzing about, and had to keep my mouth clamped shut so it wouldn’t pop out.
Which is why I’m writing it here instead. Because I won’t ever betray Sirius. Never. Because we’re Blacks.
*
30th August 1970
I don’t have any secrets anymore. Bella came and took them all. So this isn’t a secret and I shouldn’t write it here, but I have to. I think that if I don’t write about it then I’ll explode. It’s horrid. Sirius hates me and Mama is so angry. It’s all because of Bella. She came this morning with Andromeda and Cissy to see us, because Andromeda and Cissy are going back to school very soon so they had to come and say goodbye. Sirius wanted to know all about Hogwarts - even more than usual, because he is going to go next year. He wants to go this year. He said to me that playing football with Derek is the only fun thing to do around here. He’s been going off with Derek nearly every week when Mama isn’t at home, and every time he went I worried that Mama and Papa would find out that Sirius has been cavorting with Muggles. And now they have, and they’re so angry. They might even take Sirius off the family tree and say he’s not The Heir any more, and then I would be The Heir and I don’t want to be, even if it meant I was more important than Bellatrix.
I’ll never be better than Bellatrix. She’s too strong. She’s left school now, but this summer she’s been having extra lessons with Mr Lestrange. Mr Lestrange is a powerful wizard who knows lots about the sort of magic that Hogwarts doesn’t teach any more. Papa says it’s a shame Hogwarts has turned its back on the old ways, and he wanted Bellatrix to tell him about the good things she’s learnt with Mr Lestrange.
When Bella and Andromeda and Cissy and Sirius and I were talking about Mr Lestrange’s lessons, all Bella and Cissy would talk about was how ugly Mr Lestrange’s sons were, and then laugh. Even Andromeda laughed, and she’s normally better about not being a girl than Bellatrix and Narcissa.
When I was by myself in the room with Bella she came and sat next to me. She sat so close that I was nearly on her lap, the way I remember sitting on her knee when I was little. I didn’t like being so close to Bella, but I couldn’t move. She started stroking my hair and told me that I was a better Black than Sirius, and I was her favourite cousin and when I was older she was going to teach me lots and lots of special magic that only really special wizards got to learn. She said that she could tell that I was going to be a great wizard, even though I haven’t been to school yet.
Then she said would I like to see some of the special magic? It was very difficult magic that she’d only just learnt, but now she knew it she could teach it to me, she said.
So I said yes. I wanted to learn the special magic, especially if Sirius didn’t know it, then I would be able to do something he can’t even though he’s going to school next year and I’m not.
“You have to look into my eyes,” Bella said. “Just keep looking into my eyes. That’s good, little Regulus.”
I don’t like being called little Regulus because I was nine AGES ago. Sometimes Bella doesn’t even say ‘Regulus’ properly. She says ‘Wegulus’ in a silly baby voice and calls Sirius ‘Siwius’ which he doesn’t like either.
I looked into Bella’s eyes, and thought that she was doing the snake-stare too, but it was a bit different. It was like she wanted to see the back of my skull, like she was looking straight through my brain. Then I didn’t see Bella any more. I saw Mama’s vase which I broke by accident and I was so scared I hid the pieces away even though that meant that she couldn’t mend it again, and she made Kreacher iron his fingers for letting it go missing. I saw Papa’s study which Sirius and I are not allowed in, and saw the time when Sirius and I snuck in to read his exciting books and saw a lot of parchment with pictures of naked men and ladies on, and Sirius had said we Mustn’t Ever Tell. It got worse and worse. I saw the time I kicked Kreacher for tidying up my obstacle course in my room. I saw the time Sirius broke all my Quidditch toys because he’d broken his own and wanted mine to be broken too.
Then, worst of all, I saw Sirius taking to Derek, and then Sirius was saying to me, “Because if you tell then it would be a betrayal and Blacks Don’t Betray Each Other.”
After that it was all over. I could see Bella again. Her face was right up close to mine, and she was smiling. Then she leant even closer and kissed me on the cheek. I had to sit very still because I wanted to move away but thought that Bella wouldn’t be pleased if I did.
“What a good boy you are, Regulus,” she said, and she stroked my hair again before she went away.
I still feel sick and shaky just thinking about it. It was horrid, sitting there on my own in the room and thinking about all the things that she made me see. If she had seen them too then I must have betrayed Sirius, and that’s the worst thing I could’ve done in the world.
Sirius came in then, and I was really scared that Bella had seen my memory of him talking to Derek, and I must have looked really scared, because Sirius came over to me and put his arm round my shoulder even though he says he’s too big for cuddles and that I should be too.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, and I couldn’t tell him, so I shook my head and told him to go away.
“Regulus, what’s wrong?” he said again. “Was it Bella? Bloody hell, it was Bella, wasn’t it? What’s she done to you?”
I wanted to warn him that I had given his secret away, and I wanted to tell him that I hadn’t meant to, and I couldn’t make myself say it. Then the door opened and Mama walked in. I knew that second that Bella had seen and had told Mama. I didn’t even need to see Bella following Mama and smiling to know. Mama’s face was horrible. I’ve never seen her look like that, and she gets cross with me and Sirius all the time. So I thought I knew all her angry faces, but I didn’t.
She didn’t even have to say anything. Sirius jumped up and took a few steps away from me and from Mama and Bella. His face was angry too, but he wasn’t looking at Mama. He looked at me instead.
“You slimy little traitor,” he shouted at me. Then Mama told me to go to my room, and I ran all the way because I didn’t want to see that look on Sirius’s face any more.
The shouting went on for ages and ages, and after a while I couldn’t tell which voice was Mama’s and which voice was Sirius’s, because all I could hear was screaming. At last I heard Sirius stamping up the stairs. I was a bit scared that he would come into my room and break things or hit me or yell, but he didn’t. He went into his bedroom and slammed the door so hard that two books fell off my shelf. Someone else came up the stairs and banged on Sirius’s door. It was Andromeda - she yelled at Sirius to let her in, and Sirius yelled back. Andromeda and Sirius quite like yelling at each other, I think, so that was better than Sirius and Mama yelling at each other.
I didn’t know whether I should go downstairs for Mama to punish me for knowing about Derek and for not telling. I didn’t want to go down but I didn’t want to just sit in my bedroom either. Then there was a knock on my door. It was Cissy, and she looked completely calm, like there hadn’t been any shouting at all.
Cissy is beautiful. Everyone says so. Everyone says Bella is beautiful too, and I suppose she is when she isn’t saying something horrid or looking like a snake. People say that Andromeda isn’t nearly as pretty as Bella, which I think is unfair as Andromeda is much nicer. But Cissy is beautiful like a doll is beautiful. Not like Bella, who can look mean at the same time. Cissy looks like she could break if you were ever nasty to her, and she always seems so pretty and calm that you think nothing bad can happen when she’s there.
Of course then she tells tales to Mama or Papa or Aunt Druella or Uncle Cygnus or Bella and gets me and Sirius in trouble, and she’s no good at talking about Quidditch, and when I was little she used to make me wear stupid robes with frills on them for fun.
But Cissy looked calm and beautiful and I felt better. She sat on my bed and gave me a proper cuddle and told me that I had done the right thing, and it was natural that I’d wanted to keep a secret for Sirius because family loyalty is very important and he’s my brother, but that it was good that Bella found out because Sirius had been doing something very very wrong, which he probably did because he was young and didn’t know any better.
I thought that was a bit silly because I knew it was wrong and Sirius is bigger than me, but Cissy said that showed what a credit to the family I was going to be.
Cissy told me to come downstairs with her, and she and Bella and Mama and Papa and I had tea and we pretended that Sirius and Andromeda weren’t still upstairs. Andromeda came down when it was time to go and she patted my head and told me that Sirius would be all right.
But he wouldn’t speak to me when I knocked on his door this evening with some of the cakes from tea.
3rd September 1970
Sirius still won’t talk to me very much. He just stays in his room all the time. I’ve tried to get him to let me in but he won’t. When I tried to go in anyway I couldn’t open the door.
Mama said that Sirius was obviously not a good influence for me at the moment, and when she went to the hospital to visit the ill people she let me come too. It was really good, even though Mama had to spend a long time talking to people. Everyone was very grateful that Mama was coming to the hospital and they were all very polite to her. She told me that it was because Blacks deserve to be treated with respect wherever they go, and that Blacks have to work hard to keep earning that respect which is why Mama visits St Mungo’s.
When we had talked to everyone on the ward, we went to the tea shop and Mama let me choose whichever cake I liked. I thought about saving a little bit for Sirius, but it was really good cake and Sirius isn’t speaking to me and Mama might’ve noticed, so I didn’t. Afterwards I thought we were going to go home, but Mama said that there was a special part of the hospital that we were going to go to. It was just another ward full of people in beds, but everyone there had lots of giant red spots all over them.
“Mrs Black, how good of you to come,” the Healer said, like all the others. Then the Healer looked at me and then at Mama and Mama must’ve known what the Healer was going to say because she said, “My son and I are both safe.”
Most of the people on the ward were asleep. I knew one man was awake even though his eyes were closed because he was groaning. Whatever he had that gave him the spots must’ve been very painful.
“Regulus,” Mama said. “Do you see that woman opposite us?”
I nodded.
“That woman is feeling very poorly,” Mama said. “What do you think would make her feel better?”
“Some medicine?” I said.
Mama laughed. “Yes, but there is something that you could do to cheer her up. That woman would like a kiss on the cheek.”
I looked at the lady Mama was talking about. She was lying very still in the bed, and her chest was going up and down very quickly. Her eyes were closed and she didn’t look as though she’d care if she was kissed or not. Her face was covered in the big red spots. It looked like something was trying to push its way out of her face. I didn’t want to kiss her at all.
“Regulus,” Mama said, in her ‘I’m going to get cross in a minute’ voice. “Remember that the Blacks must deserve the respect of the public. It’s our duty.”
So then I knew I had to go and kiss the woman. Afterwards Mama gave me a book and told me that I should read some of it to the woman. It was really boring, but I tried to read it nicely so that Mama would know I was doing my duty properly.
Sirius talked when we got home, so I told him about the hospital, and he said it sounded very dull and he was glad that Mama didn’t want to take him. I told him that it was brilliant so that he would know that I had had a nice time with Mama without him. I didn’t tell him about kissing the woman with spots, because there’s no way that that was brilliant.
20th September 1970
It has been a long time since I could write in here, because I have been in St Mungo’s. But first I need to write about when Papa was away and Mama said that she had to go out, and Sirius and I couldn’t come. She said that Sirius was big enough to stay at home by himself if he liked, and Sirius said he did like. I had to go to someone to look after me, even though I’ll be ten next year which is how old Sirius is.
I thought that Mama would take me to Aunt Druella or Auntie Lucretia, but she didn’t. We didn’t even go by Floo. We walked on the street with all the Muggles, past the park, and to an enormous house. Mama said, “You’re going to stay with Mrs Jackson. Remember she and her family are Muggles and you mustn’t let them know that you are a wizard.”
I was very shocked, because Mama doesn’t like Muggles and she hates it when we have to pretend to be Muggles to go to the park. I must’ve looked shocked too, because Mama told me to close my mouth for pity’s sake. We had to climb up some stairs that were on the outside of the big building, and Mama looked as though she was treading in something disgusting on every step, so I knew she didn’t like where we were. After three flights of stairs there was a door, and Mama knocked on it, and a lady answered the door who I’d never seen before, but Mama said, “Hello, Mrs Jackson. How lovely to see you again.”
Then Derek - Sirius’s Derek from the park - came running to the door, and he saw me and looked surprised.
“Hello Reggie,” he said. I looked at Mama, because she doesn’t like me being called Reggie either, and her lips were pursed but she didn’t say anything.
Then Derek said, “I thought it was Sam coming to play.”
“Sam is busy today, but my younger son desperately wanted to come and play,” said Mama, and she smiled at Derek and Mrs Jackson. “I hope you don’t mind.”
Derek didn’t look very pleased, but Mrs Jackson said, “That’s no problem. The boys will have a fine time together. Don’t you worry.”
Only I was worried, because Mama left and I was alone with the Muggles.
At first Derek wanted to me to play football with him, but I wasn’t very good. He couldn’t believe that I hadn’t played at all. “I thought you would’ve played with Sam,” he said. “He’s brilliant.” So after football we played tag, which was easier to understand, but after running around for a while I started to feel really dizzy, and then I was sick.
When we went back into Derek’s house - actually it was a flat, because they didn’t live in the whole big house, only in a little bit of it - Mrs Jackson felt my forehead and said that I was burning up. So she told me to sit on the sofa and Derek and I listened to records which are a bit like the Wizarding Wireless Network, only you get to choose your own music. Derek had some football figures, which were like my Quidditch figures only without the brooms, and the footballers didn’t fly. They didn’t even move. I didn’t really care that the toys were boring, though, because I felt sick and hot and dizzy. Mrs Jackson said should we telephone Mama, but I don’t know what a telephone is, and when she asked for our telephone number I said we didn’t have one.
That was weeks and weeks ago. When Mama came to collect me she took me straight to St Mungo’s. But I felt so bad when I got there that I don’t remember what happened. Then I had to spend ages in hospital because I had Dragon Pox. I had to stay on the same ward as all the people with big red spots on their faces, and I had great big spots too. Mama came to see me lots, and Papa came once, and Bellatrix came as well, because she had Dragon Pox when she was little. But Sirius hasn’t had it, so he had to stay at home and not come to the hospital, otherwise he could get infected.
I asked Mama why she took me to see the people with Dragon Pox if it meant that I got infected, and she gave me a cross look and said that Blacks had to do their Duty even if it meant getting Dragon Pox. She said that she trusts me to do my Duty more than she trusts Sirius to do his.
But Sirius has been really nice since I got back from hospital, and shared lots of his books with me because I am going to have to stay in bed at home for another week, so I didn’t tell him what Mama said.
1st September 1971
Sirius is gone. The house is so boring without him. We took him to the train station today to catch the Hogwarts Express. I can’t wait until it’s my turn to go to school, although I think I would be sad to say goodbye to Mama and Papa. Sirius didn’t seem very sad. He was too excited to be going to school. Cissy said that she would take care of Sirius, and Sirius said that he would tell Cissy to shove off just as soon as he could.
It’s strange to think tonight that Sirius is all the way up in Scotland and I’m here in London. It’s strange to think that he’s in a dormitory with other boys now, in the Slytherin dungeons. Sirius has been wanting to sleep in the dungeons ever since Bella told us about them. It’s not fair that I have to wait a whole year before I get to sleep in them too.
2nd September 1971
Cissy sent an owl to Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus, and they Flooed straight round to tell Mama and Papa. Sirius isn’t in Slytherin! He got Sorted into Gryffindor! Uncle Cygnus looked all smug when he was telling Papa about it, probably because Bella and Andromeda and Cissy all got Sorted into Slytherin, and Papa got angry and said, “There’s plenty of worth in Gryffindor house, after all, Cygnus,” even though he doesn’t really think that because Papa says that Gryffindors are Muggle-lovers and Hufflepuffs are Muggle-borns and neither house ever uses the brains God gave them. He says that Dumbledore’s namby pamby policies just show that he came from Gryffindor house.
“I take it you’ve heard the news,” Phineas Nigellus said, just as Papa and Uncle Cygnus were shouting at each other about The Heir being a Gryffindor. Phineas Nigellus is a portrait in our house who used to be headmaster of Hogwarts, so he has a portrait at the school as well and knows all about what happens there.
“Were you coming to tell us, Phineas?” Mama asked. Mama had gone very white and she was acting very calm, which made me afraid because Mama is never calm when she’s angry. She’s usually breaking things, and Papa is the one who’s calm. But Papa always fights with Uncle Cygnus and Mama probably didn’t want to get cross while there were guests in the house, even though the guests were Family.
“I was indeed, Ma’am,” Phineas said, nodding at Mama. He sounded quite pleased. “Shocking news. The first Black not in Slytherin for more than a century, and a Gryffindor to boot. We’ve had a few Ravenclaws in the past - my own son Arcturus was one, but a Gryffindor …”
It was as though I could hear Sirius’s voice in my head. I thought of the burn mark under Phineas Nigellus’s name on the Family Tree, where one of his children was taken off the tapestry. I wondered what the child had done, and whether they had been in a different house. I think that if Sirius was here he would have asked him. But maybe Sirius asking things he shouldn’t was a sign that he was going to be a Gryffindor and not a Slytherin. I didn’t ask.
Mama’s just started to scream now. I think Kreacher’s joining in. I don’t think we’ll get much sleep tonight.
3rd September 1971
Sirius wrote to me! He hasn’t written to Mama or Papa, and he wrote on the top of the letter: DO NOT SHOW THIS TO MAMA OR PAPA. OR BELLATRIX. It also said: BURN AFTER READING, but I think that’s silly, so I have put it in my secret diary instead. This is what he wrote:
Dear Regulus,
I expect I’ve gone and done it this time, eh? The kneazle must really be among the pixies at home. I don’t envy you. Has Mama smashed anything yet?
First things first, Hogwarts is BRILLIANT. It’s massive and we’ve started doing spells already. Most of it’s pretty basic stuff - for the benefit of the Muggle-borns, you know, who weren’t tutored at home. Anyway, the food is great, and there are loads of ghosts. The Gryffindor ghost is called Nearly Headless Nick, because they tried to chop off his head but didn’t cut it clean off, so it just sort of flaps around on his neck. He’s much better than the Slytherin ghost. All he does is look ugly and blood-stained.
I didn’t mean to get put in Gryffindor, you know. And I know Mama and Papa will be really disappointed. But I put the hat on - the Sorting Hat - and I waited for it to say ‘Slytherin’ and it hemmed and hawed a bit, and said that I was a bit different, wasn’t I, and I said yes, and it said that it felt like a change, and there I was in Gryffindor. It’s not half bad. We live in a tower and the common room’s fantastic, and the boy in the bed next to mine, James Potter, is really cool. He’s got a proper racing broom at home and is going to try out for the team next year. And he’s a pureblood and that, so Mama needn’t worry. There’s only a half-blood in our dorm, Remus Lupin, and so far he keeps to himself.
Got to go. James reckons he’s found a way out of the castle!
Sirius
Now I want to know if Sirius and James found a way out of the castle. I can imagine Sirius in the tower with James and the other boys. It makes me a bit sad to think that he’s having fun and I’m not there. I won’t ever be there. I’ll be in Slytherin. I’ll have to be. I’ll show the Sorting Hat it’s not time for a change, because I’m a Black and it’s my Duty to be in Slytherin.
Part Two