"I AM NO SON OF A BITCH! I AM A GIRRRRRRRRRRRRL!"
from AOTC in 15 minutes; what we were all thinking about the Frapanese Neimoidians.
This entry is my review of the Movies in Fifteen Minutes book by Cleolinda Jones. Okay, not so much review as... well... just read it. You are all probably aware that I am a big fan of the Movies in 15 Minutes and Cleolinda herself, having been turned onto the m15m livejournal community by the Phantom of the Opera in 15 Minutes ("Kip your 'ands at ze level of your aiz!" "My who at the level of my what?"). The book is based on the top-grossing non-comedy movies of the past decade: Jurassic Park, Braveheart, Independence Day, Titanic, The Matrix, Gladiator, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Sorceror's Philosopher's Soceror's Stone, Spider-Man, Attack of the Clones, and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
It is freaking hilarious. I read it in less than two days, and I am here to tell you that it is wonderfully, awesomely hilarious. I kept laughing out loud while reading it and people kept looking at me in a funny way.
I have only actually seen half of the movies covered in the book, but even the ones I hadn't seen were funny. In the realm of what I hadn't seen, we had Braveheart, which had unavoidable references to King Arthur in Fifteen Minutes, which is online, such as Guineveira and the Woadettes. It also included the awesome line, "STABNATION GU BRA!" the Scottish variation of the traditional Irish cry, "STABNATION GO BRAGH!" Then there was Independance Day, written in the style of "How to Make a Sci-fi Disaster Blockbuster" (Name Your Film After a Holiday, and It Will Be Televised Yearly Without Fail). Spider-Man was written as "So You Want a Superhero Movie...". Then there was Gladiator ("Yes, little bird. War is hell, and I am studly."). Jurassic Park I have seen, but I was very young and we had to fast-forward through most of it because my brother was scared ("He was not worthy of the wearing of shorts.")
Throughout she used recurring gags, references to both her online parodies-- even, at one point, her Lost recaps-- and other parodies in the book. There is also a recurring joke about how the female characters have to stay behind and not do anything except domestic things because they are "girrrrrrls." It is said many times, with big payoff at the end of the book. See below. I think she did cut down on the OMGWTF for the book, which makes sense. For the movies I have seen, I am going to give you little sample snippets.
TITANIC
MOLLY BROWN: INTO THE BOAT, BITCHES! YOU TOO, RUTH!
CAL: So... any room in there for a gentleman? No? Well, that's all right. I'll pay my way onto another boat and live to weasel another day, propagating my loathsomeness unto the end of time.
MOLLY BROWN: Your turn, Rose!
ROSE: You know what? I think all y'all can go screw, is what I think. Except you, Molly.
MOLLY BROWN: No offense taken, babe.
CAL: [manhandling Rose] OMG YOU WILL HONOR ME AND SERVE ME AND SUBMIT TO ME AND BE MISERABLE WITH ME!
... In the Movie Theatre...
SOME WOMAN: I'm not going to the restroom without you!
SOME WOMAN'S HUSBAND: It's only for a little while!
SOME WOMAN: I won't leave you here, Chad!
SOME WOMAN'S HUSBAND: Someone has to save our seats, Jennifer!
SOME CRYING CHILD: Bye bye, Daddy!
Titanic in 15 also features the delightful addition of the Vengeful Dolphins. But I'm not putting those scenes in because Marten hasn't seen the movie and wants to and those scenes are very spoilery in the sense that they contain things that maybe not everybody knows about what happens. Suffice to say, I *heart* the Vengeful Dolphins.
THE MATRIX
MORPHEUS: This Is My Ship, The Nebuchadnezzar.
NEO: The who in the whazzar?
MORPHEUS: A Very Intellectual Reference That Is Suppposed to Impress You.
NEO: Oh.
MORPHEUS: I Believe You Know Most Of My Crew-- Tough-Babe Love Interest, Suspicious Character Actor, Albino Chick, Vaguely Ethnic Guys, Cannon Fodder, and Shut Up Mouse.
MOUSE: Oh my God Neo this is such an honor I've wanted to meet you for so long we've all heard so much about you--
MORPHEUS: Shut Up, Mouse.
HARRY POTTER
HAGRID: Also, I need the thing.
SOME OFFICIOUS GOBLIN: The thing?
HAGRID: You know. The thingummer's thing.
SOME OFFICIOUS GOBLIN: You mean the thingamajig's thing?
HAGRID: No, the thingummer's thing, because Americans don't know what thingamajigs are!
SOME OFFICIOUS GOBLIN: Ahhhhh, of course. Right this way!
AOTC
To discourage any advances from Anakin, Padme wears her favorite backless halter-neck chiffon number.
PADME: I have such pleasant childhood memories of swimming here and then lying out on the sand.
ANAKIN: I hate sand. Probably because I grew up on a planet made of nothing but sand. It's rough and coarse and itchy and it gets everywhere and you can't ever get it out. Do you know the places it gets stuck? At least here you've got a fighting chance of not getting it stuck up your ass. No, here everything's soft... and smooth... and sexy.
[Anakin stuns Padme with the badness of his dialogue, allowing him the opportunity to kiss her. Silenty, Padme notes that, for a twenty-year-old virgin, Anakin kisses pretty good. And then she comes to her senses.]
PADME: I can't believe I just fell for a pick-up line about sand up your ass.
... Inspecting the Clones on Kamino...
OBI-WAN: So... that's a lot of clones.
FELLOWSHIP
FRODO: SHUT SHUT SHUT! I WILL TAKE IT!
THE REST OF THE COUNCIL: ...
FRODO: Even though... I don't know where it is. Something about doom...?
GANDALF: Dude, you fall down way too much. I'm going with you.
ELROND: Anyone else?
ARAGORN: You have my scruff.
LEGOLAS: And my pretty!
GIMLI: And my ill-advised one-liners!
SAM: And my slavish loyalty!
MERRY: OI! And our well-meaning ineptitude!
PIPPIN: Merry, what's "ineptitude?"
MERRY: Something you have a lot of, Pip.
PIPPIN: *beams*
BOROMIR: [sighing] Gondor will see your idiocy done.
ELROND: Well, I was hoping we'd round up a fellowship of actual warriors to protect the Ringbearer worth half a damn, but as long as you all get out of my house, you know, whatever.
The flashback narration in these is also priceless. "And Elrond is like "THROW IT IN THE FIRE!' and Isildur is like '...'."
THE TWO TOWERS
GIMLI: Their tiny Elven belts! Oh noes!
ARAGORN: Elven belts?
LEGOLAS: You know, the ones they got in the extended version. Which is incontrovertible proof that they're dead, because everyone knows that belts aren't removable, and totally don't have buckles for that purpose.
ARAGORN: [kicking helmet in rage] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
RETURN OF THE KING
EOWYN: I will kill you if you touch him!
[The Witch King leans over and starts not-quite-poking Theoden, who is lying half-crushed beneath his horse.]
WITCH KING: I'M NOT TOUCHING HIM! I'M NOT TOUCHING HIM! TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH!
EOWYN: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
FELL BEAST'S HEAD: *falls off*
WITCH KING: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
[The Witch King chases Eowyn around in circles with his giant spiky flail until finally he breaks her shield-- and her arm-- and she drops her sword. Merry crawls up and stabs him in the knee before he can flail her in the head.]
EOWYN: [tearing off helmet] I AM NO SON OF A BITCH! I AM A GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL!
[Eowyn stabs the Witch King in the face, and it is awesome.]
Again, that's all copyright the awesome Cleolinda Jones.
So, in conclusion, if you want to borrow this book, I totally have it now! Squee!