Lilies for my Lil

[lily_fayline]

Today was (would have been?) Lily's second birthday, and to celebrate I went out and bought a little Lily-of-the-valley plant to put on her grave. It still surprises me that mourning her has been a largely muted affair (apart from the actual burial when I cried buckets) when she meant everything to me when she was alive. I concluded that it is a form of denial; I still wonder what if nearly every day, and even though I know nothing could be done for her there is always the niggle of doubt whether if I had had the scan sooner the medicine would have caught on. Also it spooks me when Pippin does something that reminds me of Lily, and I almost resent him for displaying behaviour that is not his to adopt. The denial is not about whether she is dead therefore, it is about whether she needed to die; a far more unanswerable dilemma, as 'what if's can never be answered. I will allow myself the occasional rage about the unfairness of it all, and try to remember fondly what she was, without (as I have to admit I am often inclined to) dwelling too much on what more she could have been.
Happy birthday my darling, and you are indeed with the angels where you belong.