Surviving the Summer Fanfic
*Spoiler Warning for DH*
Title: Surviving the Summer
Author: Ras (SirenPrincess on LJ)
Rating: R (I'd probably rate it 16+. There's no sex, but there are descriptions of abuse.)
Warning: Detailed descriptions of domestic abuse (toward Eileen and Severus)
Pairing: Severus/Lily (light romance)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Severus returns home after his first year at Hogwarts. Can Lily help him survive the summer?
Disclaimer: Severus, Lily, and everything Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. This fanfic is intended only to increase appreciation of her work. No profit is earned from this story.
*Spoiler Warning for DH*
It was impossible not to hear the sounds of Tobias and Eileen Snape fighting in the living room through his paper-thin bedroom wall, but Severus was making his best attempt at ignoring it. He didn’t understand why they had to fight all of the time or why they had to be so loud. Half of the neighborhood could hear them yelling. But the thing that Severus couldn’t understand the most was why he was there. Why did he have to come home for the summer? Why couldn’t he have just stayed at Hogwarts? He could be working to improve a potion or researching a new spell instead of sitting on his bed being tortured by the sound of what was surely his father throwing his mother across the room. He wouldn’t have been any trouble if he’d been permitted to stay at school; he didn’t need any supervision; he was used to having to take care of himself. But no, Dumbledore had insisted that he had to return home, to the screaming and the pain.
Severus felt the anger boil within him, but he quickly tried to squash it down. He knew from years of experience that getting angry did not make this any easier to deal with. Another slap, a thump, and a scream emanated from the living room and caused Severus’ heart to clench tightly in pain. He had to escape this, to begin the mental process that would numb him to it all, or the agony would overwhelm him. He found, though, that nine months without any practice had made him rusty. He tried to focus on the grayish wall in front of him and let go of all emotions and thoughts, but the crash of glass breaking brought him out of his trance abruptly.
At least he would get to be alone with Lily again soon. He had always thought that once they arrived at Hogwarts they would get to spend every free moment together. But, she was constantly surrounded by her Gryffindor friends. Severus knew how much those girls disliked him, which made spending free time together . . . difficult. But now that they were both home for the summer, Severus was sure that she would meet him at the park again. They could spend all day talking as they once did, without the interruption of others. His heart skipped a beat and his breath quickened as he thought about watching her auburn hair glisten in the sunlight.
He had to stifle that emotion as well. He knew what it was . . . love. But feeling love right then only made what he was listening to, the hatred of his parents, only that much harder to take. He knew what he had to do to escape the pain. He had to make himself go numb, to let it all go, and an emotion as strong as the love he felt towards Lily would definitely get in the way of that.
“Focus,” he whispered to himself. He trained his eyes on the patch of wall again and concentrated. He pushed out all of his thoughts, all of his feelings; focusing on the nothingness, he expelled it all from his brain. He took a deep breath and worked to slow his heart as he let the emptiness fill him. The coma-like trance he put himself in began to work. His parents’ yelling seemed distant. He closed his eyes and worked to clear his mind of even the last trace of a thought until there was nothing. His head lulled forward to his chest as the world disappeared.
A hard shove pulled him back into reality. How long had he been out? He lost his balance and fell face first into the corner of his dresser. The sting in his cheek bone and eye was excruciating. His fingers drifted to his face to gently cradle the bruise. The emptiness dissolved as he saw his father hovering over him with a furious look on his face.
“What’s wrong with you!” he bellowed.
‘Don’t let him see your fear,’ he reminded himself as he desperately tried to cling to his safe place. He knew that letting his father see his terror would only make things worse for himself. He had to retreat into the protection the numbness provided, but it was even harder to accomplish when he was expected to listen and respond.
He was shoved again, this time his back and ribs took the brunt of the fall against the sharp corner. “I have been calling for you for five minutes. Why didn’t you answer?”
Severus forced himself to focus and clear away the fear and anger. “I was . . . daydreaming, sir.”
“Daydreaming!” Tobias backhanded his son, but the blow didn’t hurt Severus quite as much with his guards back in place. A few more shoves and the hook-nosed man tired of his undertaking. “The house is a mess. Clean it up!” He didn’t look back to see the shivering mass of his son before he went to bed.
After a few shaky breaths Severus was able to center himself enough to push past the pain. He stood and made his way to the “mess” his father had referred to. Someone had fallen into one of the large bookcases and there were books thrown across the room. Severus saw a glimpse of his mother out of the corner of his eye. She was lying unconscious on the floor by the coffee table. He quickly averted his eyes. Seeing her like that was enough to make him start to feel again, and he knew his body wouldn’t be able to handle it if he did. He couldn’t help her now anyway. If his father was still watching, if he saw him try to help her, he would only chose to take more of his aggression out on Severus, and Severus knew he couldn’t take that, not that night. He took a minute to refocus. He had to push out the pain in his back, rib, and eye. He had to wall off the memories of what had just happened. He couldn’t function if he truly thought about his mother lying there battered and bruised. When at last he had regained his composure he set about his task and began collecting the pieces of broken glass from a shattered plate.
****
Severus stood completely still and just watched the happy children on the playground from his hiding spot behind a large leafy tree. He had been watching for hours, waiting for any sign of her. He knew he couldn’t let Lily see him today, not as bruised as his face was, but he couldn’t resist the temptation to get a glimpse of her. He had to know if she would come, if she wanted to see him as much as he wanted to see her. And besides, he couldn’t handle sitting in the deafening silence that filled his home the day after a fight.
He was starting to feel a little disheartened though. He had been waiting most of the day and still there was no sign of her. Surely her family was just keeping her occupied, that sister of hers . . . it wasn’t that she didn’t want to see him . . . it couldn’t be that. Severus clung to his hope.
Suddenly Severus’ breath caught in his throat. There she was, walking up behind the slide. Her auburn hair fluttered with the wind, and her green eyes sparkled in the sun. A smile crossed Severus’ face. She did want to see him. Just the sight of her eased some of his pain. But, the smile quickly faded. It took every ounce of willpower he had not to run up to her from the sheer joy of seeing her, but Severus knew he didn’t dare. It was bad enough that he had to let her see him in his shabby, mismatched Muggle clothes. He would not let her see him covered in bruises. He didn’t want her to think less of him. Eventually the bruises would fade, and then he could talk to her. Perhaps he could persuade his mother to heal them tomorrow when he wasn’t there, and then he would be free to seek the comfort of her company. But for now, he would have to content himself with watching.
It was hard to stand there and see the look of disappointment on her face when she realized he wasn’t there. She sat on a park bench and waited. Watching her wait and then eventually give up and leave was even harder. Severus closed his eyes to stop the tears from falling. He missed her. He needed her. And now that she had left, he had little to do but wander the streets before he would eventually be forced to go home to sleep. As he let out a sigh, he heard a voice behind him.
“It’s not polite to spy, you know,” she said.
“Lily!” Severus exclaimed, turning around in surprise.
She gasped when she saw his face. “What happened?”
“N-n-nothing,” he lied. He ducked his head so that his greasy shoulder length hair obscured her view.
Undaunted, she reached through the mass of hair and pulled his chin up until their eyes met. She ran her delicate fingers along the border of his bruise. If it had been anyone else, Severus would have been humiliated to let them see, but since it was her . . . since it was her loving touch . . . He couldn’t push her away. “Sev, what happened?” she asked again.
He couldn’t refuse her question, not when she used her pet name for him. “The . . . the usual . . . they were fighting and . . . I . . . I angered him, so he took some of it out on me,” he whispered in short bursts.
She nodded, not pressing him further. “Let’s go get my wand. We can figure out how to heal it for you,” she suggested.
“No!” he said quickly. “Don’t you remember, we can’t do magic outside of Hogwarts now.”
“Don’t you think that they could make an exception when you’re hurt like this?” she asked.
He shook his head. “Nobody needs to know,” he explained. The last thing he wanted the Wizarding world to hear was how his powerful witch mother let her stupid Muggle husband beat her and her son. “Please, Lily . . . please promise . . . promise you won’t tell.” He wouldn’t be able to bear the shame if she told one of her Gryffindor friends. Slowly, very slowly, she nodded her agreement.
He tried to change the subject. “How did you know I was here?” he asked.
She shrugged. “I just knew,” she whispered. A brief flicker of understanding passed between them. “Want to . . . go for a walk?” she asked.
They headed out with no particular destination in mind. They just enjoyed the warm weather and gentle breeze, and especially each other’s company. Lily began casually discussing her family; although neither of them was particularly focused on that conversation. Finally, she got up the nerve to voice her concern. “Do you think . . . will you be all right, staying with him again?”
Severus shrugged, which he immediately regretted. He hissed in pain as his back and ribs protested the movement. He glanced nervously at her, but she did not embarrass him by asking about the obvious further injuries. “I suppose,” he said. “I’ve coped with it for eleven years. I can handle a few months.”
“Maybe I could ask my parents if you could come and stay with us,” Lily suggested.
Severus gave her a faint smile. Was she asking because she genuinely wanted to be around him, or was she just feeling pity for him? In either case, it could never work out. He didn’t belong in a Muggle home. “With your sister that hates me?” he pointed out the most obvious obstacle.
“She doesn’t hate you,” Lily dismissed. “She just . . .” but she never came up with the right word, so she trailed off and said nothing as they continued to walk.
“She hates me,” Severus reiterated. He didn’t care. The only opinion he cared about was that of the girl next to him. “Mother says I might be able to go stay with my grandparents for a while, if things get bad.”
“Would you like that?” Lily asked with a hint of concern in her voice.
His face contorted slightly as he vividly recalled a particularly painful memory of his cousins taunting him for having a Muggle father. Even his aunts and uncles had whispered, leaving Severus no doubt that he should be ashamed of his parentage. But, his grandfather had insisted that he was half Prince, and as such, should at least be given the opportunity to demonstrate some magical skill. He was not kind, but the man had taught his black sheep grandson about the magical world and had been pleased with Severus’ ability. A few advanced curses later, and his cousins were no longer teasing him. However, he couldn’t tell any of this to Lily. He didn’t want to upset her since she was Muggle-born herself. “I don’t like them . . . but at least I’ll have the opportunity to learn more magic with them.”
“I’d miss you if you went,” Lily said.
“You would?” Severus’ eyes lit up at the words. A smile crossed his face and a faint blush graced his unmarred cheek.
“Sure I would. I’d have fun playing with Petunia, but it would be terribly boring not to have anyone to discuss magic with.”
“Yeah,” Severus whispered softly. He wished she hadn’t explained. It had been too much to hope that she might actually like his company because of him.
“I want to hang out with you every day this summer, but if it would get you away from him . . .”
“I don’t . . . I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” his voice cracked. He suddenly felt very vulnerable. “Let’s talk about magic,” he tried to force some excitement into his voice.
She obliged his change of topic without complaint. They talked about Hogwarts, about the possibilities for the next year, about grand plans for when they were grown up wizards. “There are tons of jobs you can have as a witch,” Severus began to explain.
As they walked, Severus felt something soft brush his hand. He glanced down and found Lily’s hand hovering over his own. He instinctively opened his just the tiniest bit and before he even knew what was happening they were holding hands. She made no comment about it as he continued to talk, but to Severus, the little gesture meant everything in the world. Perhaps he would be able to survive this summer after all.
***
Author’s Notes: I wanted to try to explain some of the things we know about Severus. How is he so good at Occlumency? I thought, considering what we know of his home life, that it was likely he learned how to “shut down” at a young age.
How does he know so much about the Wizarding world when he lives with a Muggle that hates magic? How does he know more dark curses as a first year than most seventh years? Why is he already prejudiced towards Muggles and Muggle-born when he first meets Lily. The answer to all of these questions had to be Sev’s grandparents and extended family.
Most importantly, I wanted to clearly show Sev’s love of Lily. She was the only person that was ever nice to him. She was his one spark of light in a very bleak and dark childhood. She cared about him, just the way he was. I hope I’ve managed to capture her affection of him as well.
Please, please, please leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Title: Surviving the Summer
Author: Ras (SirenPrincess on LJ)
Rating: R (I'd probably rate it 16+. There's no sex, but there are descriptions of abuse.)
Warning: Detailed descriptions of domestic abuse (toward Eileen and Severus)
Pairing: Severus/Lily (light romance)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Severus returns home after his first year at Hogwarts. Can Lily help him survive the summer?
Disclaimer: Severus, Lily, and everything Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. This fanfic is intended only to increase appreciation of her work. No profit is earned from this story.
*Spoiler Warning for DH*
It was impossible not to hear the sounds of Tobias and Eileen Snape fighting in the living room through his paper-thin bedroom wall, but Severus was making his best attempt at ignoring it. He didn’t understand why they had to fight all of the time or why they had to be so loud. Half of the neighborhood could hear them yelling. But the thing that Severus couldn’t understand the most was why he was there. Why did he have to come home for the summer? Why couldn’t he have just stayed at Hogwarts? He could be working to improve a potion or researching a new spell instead of sitting on his bed being tortured by the sound of what was surely his father throwing his mother across the room. He wouldn’t have been any trouble if he’d been permitted to stay at school; he didn’t need any supervision; he was used to having to take care of himself. But no, Dumbledore had insisted that he had to return home, to the screaming and the pain.
Severus felt the anger boil within him, but he quickly tried to squash it down. He knew from years of experience that getting angry did not make this any easier to deal with. Another slap, a thump, and a scream emanated from the living room and caused Severus’ heart to clench tightly in pain. He had to escape this, to begin the mental process that would numb him to it all, or the agony would overwhelm him. He found, though, that nine months without any practice had made him rusty. He tried to focus on the grayish wall in front of him and let go of all emotions and thoughts, but the crash of glass breaking brought him out of his trance abruptly.
At least he would get to be alone with Lily again soon. He had always thought that once they arrived at Hogwarts they would get to spend every free moment together. But, she was constantly surrounded by her Gryffindor friends. Severus knew how much those girls disliked him, which made spending free time together . . . difficult. But now that they were both home for the summer, Severus was sure that she would meet him at the park again. They could spend all day talking as they once did, without the interruption of others. His heart skipped a beat and his breath quickened as he thought about watching her auburn hair glisten in the sunlight.
He had to stifle that emotion as well. He knew what it was . . . love. But feeling love right then only made what he was listening to, the hatred of his parents, only that much harder to take. He knew what he had to do to escape the pain. He had to make himself go numb, to let it all go, and an emotion as strong as the love he felt towards Lily would definitely get in the way of that.
“Focus,” he whispered to himself. He trained his eyes on the patch of wall again and concentrated. He pushed out all of his thoughts, all of his feelings; focusing on the nothingness, he expelled it all from his brain. He took a deep breath and worked to slow his heart as he let the emptiness fill him. The coma-like trance he put himself in began to work. His parents’ yelling seemed distant. He closed his eyes and worked to clear his mind of even the last trace of a thought until there was nothing. His head lulled forward to his chest as the world disappeared.
A hard shove pulled him back into reality. How long had he been out? He lost his balance and fell face first into the corner of his dresser. The sting in his cheek bone and eye was excruciating. His fingers drifted to his face to gently cradle the bruise. The emptiness dissolved as he saw his father hovering over him with a furious look on his face.
“What’s wrong with you!” he bellowed.
‘Don’t let him see your fear,’ he reminded himself as he desperately tried to cling to his safe place. He knew that letting his father see his terror would only make things worse for himself. He had to retreat into the protection the numbness provided, but it was even harder to accomplish when he was expected to listen and respond.
He was shoved again, this time his back and ribs took the brunt of the fall against the sharp corner. “I have been calling for you for five minutes. Why didn’t you answer?”
Severus forced himself to focus and clear away the fear and anger. “I was . . . daydreaming, sir.”
“Daydreaming!” Tobias backhanded his son, but the blow didn’t hurt Severus quite as much with his guards back in place. A few more shoves and the hook-nosed man tired of his undertaking. “The house is a mess. Clean it up!” He didn’t look back to see the shivering mass of his son before he went to bed.
After a few shaky breaths Severus was able to center himself enough to push past the pain. He stood and made his way to the “mess” his father had referred to. Someone had fallen into one of the large bookcases and there were books thrown across the room. Severus saw a glimpse of his mother out of the corner of his eye. She was lying unconscious on the floor by the coffee table. He quickly averted his eyes. Seeing her like that was enough to make him start to feel again, and he knew his body wouldn’t be able to handle it if he did. He couldn’t help her now anyway. If his father was still watching, if he saw him try to help her, he would only chose to take more of his aggression out on Severus, and Severus knew he couldn’t take that, not that night. He took a minute to refocus. He had to push out the pain in his back, rib, and eye. He had to wall off the memories of what had just happened. He couldn’t function if he truly thought about his mother lying there battered and bruised. When at last he had regained his composure he set about his task and began collecting the pieces of broken glass from a shattered plate.
****
Severus stood completely still and just watched the happy children on the playground from his hiding spot behind a large leafy tree. He had been watching for hours, waiting for any sign of her. He knew he couldn’t let Lily see him today, not as bruised as his face was, but he couldn’t resist the temptation to get a glimpse of her. He had to know if she would come, if she wanted to see him as much as he wanted to see her. And besides, he couldn’t handle sitting in the deafening silence that filled his home the day after a fight.
He was starting to feel a little disheartened though. He had been waiting most of the day and still there was no sign of her. Surely her family was just keeping her occupied, that sister of hers . . . it wasn’t that she didn’t want to see him . . . it couldn’t be that. Severus clung to his hope.
Suddenly Severus’ breath caught in his throat. There she was, walking up behind the slide. Her auburn hair fluttered with the wind, and her green eyes sparkled in the sun. A smile crossed Severus’ face. She did want to see him. Just the sight of her eased some of his pain. But, the smile quickly faded. It took every ounce of willpower he had not to run up to her from the sheer joy of seeing her, but Severus knew he didn’t dare. It was bad enough that he had to let her see him in his shabby, mismatched Muggle clothes. He would not let her see him covered in bruises. He didn’t want her to think less of him. Eventually the bruises would fade, and then he could talk to her. Perhaps he could persuade his mother to heal them tomorrow when he wasn’t there, and then he would be free to seek the comfort of her company. But for now, he would have to content himself with watching.
It was hard to stand there and see the look of disappointment on her face when she realized he wasn’t there. She sat on a park bench and waited. Watching her wait and then eventually give up and leave was even harder. Severus closed his eyes to stop the tears from falling. He missed her. He needed her. And now that she had left, he had little to do but wander the streets before he would eventually be forced to go home to sleep. As he let out a sigh, he heard a voice behind him.
“It’s not polite to spy, you know,” she said.
“Lily!” Severus exclaimed, turning around in surprise.
She gasped when she saw his face. “What happened?”
“N-n-nothing,” he lied. He ducked his head so that his greasy shoulder length hair obscured her view.
Undaunted, she reached through the mass of hair and pulled his chin up until their eyes met. She ran her delicate fingers along the border of his bruise. If it had been anyone else, Severus would have been humiliated to let them see, but since it was her . . . since it was her loving touch . . . He couldn’t push her away. “Sev, what happened?” she asked again.
He couldn’t refuse her question, not when she used her pet name for him. “The . . . the usual . . . they were fighting and . . . I . . . I angered him, so he took some of it out on me,” he whispered in short bursts.
She nodded, not pressing him further. “Let’s go get my wand. We can figure out how to heal it for you,” she suggested.
“No!” he said quickly. “Don’t you remember, we can’t do magic outside of Hogwarts now.”
“Don’t you think that they could make an exception when you’re hurt like this?” she asked.
He shook his head. “Nobody needs to know,” he explained. The last thing he wanted the Wizarding world to hear was how his powerful witch mother let her stupid Muggle husband beat her and her son. “Please, Lily . . . please promise . . . promise you won’t tell.” He wouldn’t be able to bear the shame if she told one of her Gryffindor friends. Slowly, very slowly, she nodded her agreement.
He tried to change the subject. “How did you know I was here?” he asked.
She shrugged. “I just knew,” she whispered. A brief flicker of understanding passed between them. “Want to . . . go for a walk?” she asked.
They headed out with no particular destination in mind. They just enjoyed the warm weather and gentle breeze, and especially each other’s company. Lily began casually discussing her family; although neither of them was particularly focused on that conversation. Finally, she got up the nerve to voice her concern. “Do you think . . . will you be all right, staying with him again?”
Severus shrugged, which he immediately regretted. He hissed in pain as his back and ribs protested the movement. He glanced nervously at her, but she did not embarrass him by asking about the obvious further injuries. “I suppose,” he said. “I’ve coped with it for eleven years. I can handle a few months.”
“Maybe I could ask my parents if you could come and stay with us,” Lily suggested.
Severus gave her a faint smile. Was she asking because she genuinely wanted to be around him, or was she just feeling pity for him? In either case, it could never work out. He didn’t belong in a Muggle home. “With your sister that hates me?” he pointed out the most obvious obstacle.
“She doesn’t hate you,” Lily dismissed. “She just . . .” but she never came up with the right word, so she trailed off and said nothing as they continued to walk.
“She hates me,” Severus reiterated. He didn’t care. The only opinion he cared about was that of the girl next to him. “Mother says I might be able to go stay with my grandparents for a while, if things get bad.”
“Would you like that?” Lily asked with a hint of concern in her voice.
His face contorted slightly as he vividly recalled a particularly painful memory of his cousins taunting him for having a Muggle father. Even his aunts and uncles had whispered, leaving Severus no doubt that he should be ashamed of his parentage. But, his grandfather had insisted that he was half Prince, and as such, should at least be given the opportunity to demonstrate some magical skill. He was not kind, but the man had taught his black sheep grandson about the magical world and had been pleased with Severus’ ability. A few advanced curses later, and his cousins were no longer teasing him. However, he couldn’t tell any of this to Lily. He didn’t want to upset her since she was Muggle-born herself. “I don’t like them . . . but at least I’ll have the opportunity to learn more magic with them.”
“I’d miss you if you went,” Lily said.
“You would?” Severus’ eyes lit up at the words. A smile crossed his face and a faint blush graced his unmarred cheek.
“Sure I would. I’d have fun playing with Petunia, but it would be terribly boring not to have anyone to discuss magic with.”
“Yeah,” Severus whispered softly. He wished she hadn’t explained. It had been too much to hope that she might actually like his company because of him.
“I want to hang out with you every day this summer, but if it would get you away from him . . .”
“I don’t . . . I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” his voice cracked. He suddenly felt very vulnerable. “Let’s talk about magic,” he tried to force some excitement into his voice.
She obliged his change of topic without complaint. They talked about Hogwarts, about the possibilities for the next year, about grand plans for when they were grown up wizards. “There are tons of jobs you can have as a witch,” Severus began to explain.
As they walked, Severus felt something soft brush his hand. He glanced down and found Lily’s hand hovering over his own. He instinctively opened his just the tiniest bit and before he even knew what was happening they were holding hands. She made no comment about it as he continued to talk, but to Severus, the little gesture meant everything in the world. Perhaps he would be able to survive this summer after all.
***
Author’s Notes: I wanted to try to explain some of the things we know about Severus. How is he so good at Occlumency? I thought, considering what we know of his home life, that it was likely he learned how to “shut down” at a young age.
How does he know so much about the Wizarding world when he lives with a Muggle that hates magic? How does he know more dark curses as a first year than most seventh years? Why is he already prejudiced towards Muggles and Muggle-born when he first meets Lily. The answer to all of these questions had to be Sev’s grandparents and extended family.
Most importantly, I wanted to clearly show Sev’s love of Lily. She was the only person that was ever nice to him. She was his one spark of light in a very bleak and dark childhood. She cared about him, just the way he was. I hope I’ve managed to capture her affection of him as well.
Please, please, please leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts.