(no subject)
The other day i got to thinking. Thinking of how I know I should have apologised for back then, but now it's too late. So here I am, doing what I do best - cowardly apologising to a wall. You'll never see this, but maybe it'll help just to know that i've expressed it in some way.
It was never your fault. It was me over-reacting, selfishly trying to turn the situation from your pain to mine. And that wasn't right. I told you i couldn't take any more because it hurt too much. I told you it hurt me too much, but truthfully, I never stopped to think about how it must be hurting you ten times more just to tell me everything. I'm ashamed to admit i thought you were just doing it for attention.
Who knows? Maybe you were (are?), but it was still wrong of me to make an assumption like that.
I couldn't have known though, could I? Because, let's face it, my own sick desire for pain and hurt prevented me from opening up, prevented me from sharing my shit like you had with me. I didn't realise that telling me about it was the best option for you, instead i thought you were being weak. i thought you should be like me, lock it up so as not to be a burden on others. That's what i've always thought is right.
Since then i've used you as an excuse to push myself deeper into this chasm in my mind, determined to lose myself in the process. If i'm lost then there's nothing else after, right? I think that's what I want.
I only wish I could talk to you once more and hear you answer some things honestly. Do you still do it? Do you blame me too? Do they know you blame me? But I know i only want that to satisfy my own curiosity and that would be selfish. I've come to the conclusion recently that i'm very selfish. But here i go again, making this about me. It's not about me, other than for me to say I was wrong. Sorry.
One more thing (that you'll never see), it was never my intention for her to leave you too. I never meant to influence her opinion of you, though now i'm sure that's what must have happened. However, i don't agree with her most recent behaviour towards you. That was verging on cruel and was downright unnecessary, despite the fact that you didn't help the matter either.
I hope one day i'll find the guts to actually tell you all this - even though i expect you won't listen - but for now, this is all i can do. Perhaps that day is close though.
I want you to know that despite pushing you away and causing all this hatred, i'm glad I did, because if i still knew you, i feel sure that chasm would have fully enveloped me by now.
But hey, maybe that's what i'm looking for after all.
It was never your fault. It was me over-reacting, selfishly trying to turn the situation from your pain to mine. And that wasn't right. I told you i couldn't take any more because it hurt too much. I told you it hurt me too much, but truthfully, I never stopped to think about how it must be hurting you ten times more just to tell me everything. I'm ashamed to admit i thought you were just doing it for attention.
Who knows? Maybe you were (are?), but it was still wrong of me to make an assumption like that.
I couldn't have known though, could I? Because, let's face it, my own sick desire for pain and hurt prevented me from opening up, prevented me from sharing my shit like you had with me. I didn't realise that telling me about it was the best option for you, instead i thought you were being weak. i thought you should be like me, lock it up so as not to be a burden on others. That's what i've always thought is right.
Since then i've used you as an excuse to push myself deeper into this chasm in my mind, determined to lose myself in the process. If i'm lost then there's nothing else after, right? I think that's what I want.
I only wish I could talk to you once more and hear you answer some things honestly. Do you still do it? Do you blame me too? Do they know you blame me? But I know i only want that to satisfy my own curiosity and that would be selfish. I've come to the conclusion recently that i'm very selfish. But here i go again, making this about me. It's not about me, other than for me to say I was wrong. Sorry.
One more thing (that you'll never see), it was never my intention for her to leave you too. I never meant to influence her opinion of you, though now i'm sure that's what must have happened. However, i don't agree with her most recent behaviour towards you. That was verging on cruel and was downright unnecessary, despite the fact that you didn't help the matter either.
I hope one day i'll find the guts to actually tell you all this - even though i expect you won't listen - but for now, this is all i can do. Perhaps that day is close though.
I want you to know that despite pushing you away and causing all this hatred, i'm glad I did, because if i still knew you, i feel sure that chasm would have fully enveloped me by now.
But hey, maybe that's what i'm looking for after all.