hmm
not letting ppl know anything... i lie when ppl ask what is wrong with me....
so much right now... last night my mom went off, and i mean OFF. she found out my sister got her belly button pierced and then just went off. saying how she was disrespecting her, then she said shit about me. and how i dont respect her when it comes to things... i dont know why but i stuck up for it... i dont think she will say anymore shit, im told her how its old and im tired of arguing about it and im gonna do what i want. but i just really saw how she acted and things... and i always promised myself i wouldnt be like that... but im ashamed how i acted on tuesday, i was upset and mad but i dont know why i acted like that. and its just like that attutide came back. i just really started thinking about it... i talked to my dad about two hours ago about it... i hate how she is when she is mad. i just talked to him about it, i told him that i hate how i act when im mad, like i stopped for a long time doing that. then it just came back.... and its just like shit to me bc i dont want to be like my mother. he said just talked to me... he told me that im like that bc i grew up with that; like whenever im mad, i grew up seeing how my mother acted and i therefore thought i should be mad like that. me and him just talked about it, like my mother and attutide. im so like... mad and ashamed of myself about it... like on tuesday i had a right to be upset, but i shouldnt have acted like that, and like i noticed that in 5th period after it happened. and then i was raising my voice lately... i think its bc its like my mother is getting all bitchy again and its like im the only one in THAT house with her, so she always bitches to me now about how she feels and all this crap. and i dont want to be around it anymore, its affecting me. like she went all balistic last night... i have been thinking about that a lot. and i just talked to my dad and told him how i have been feeling with my mom lately... im sooo tired of it.... he said by how she acts she pushes us away from having a real relationship with her, and he is right. like damn, i felt so bad when last night she was like im gonna move to penn. a place a hate bc i cant stand to watch alicia and you next grow up how you will; and i couldnt believe i was really thinking about wanting her to leave. like my life would be so much easier. i love her but im tired of her, and her attitude and im mad that she raised us the way she did, if i lived with my dad all my life, i thought about it, i wouldnt be like that when i get mad... i wouldnt do that... and i feel so bad about raising my voice to someone, bc its just like wtf why did i do that, and then i pushed him one time. my dad told me to focus on keeping control of it, he said that he has even gone off on her and how she is all bad again. i dunno... im just so torn over everything. i try to focus on things but i cant.i need to learn how to get better control, like i can control it, but its like only to a certain point. just some of the crap that came out of her mouth last night... iwas like SHUT UP! i have too much to deal with right now, and on my plate. but its soo weird, like towards the end of her bickering, i just tuned her out. im getting better at that... but damn....
my dad helped me with stuff today... but i said stuff too. he told me that the only right thing for me to do is to be true to myself. i got into how i try but she just gets mad, like about mainly one thing. and i talked to him about it, in a way. i get mad at her bc its like i try that, i try to tell her what i want, what i need, and its like no it has to be her way then she gets all butt hurt when i do what i want. she told me how she is used to me not listening to her about certain things now, and all i thought was good. i want to live my OWN life, and make my own decisions...
and i thought about how everything would be without my mother... so much better. or without my mamas anger issues and views on things... i thought about how with moses we wouldnt have as many problems, like just NORMAL issues like something stupid that you will probably laugh at a week later.
senor year is not going my way at all. i thought it would be great, and that i would be so happy and have everything.... but those are the last things i have... we will see how it goes
so much right now... last night my mom went off, and i mean OFF. she found out my sister got her belly button pierced and then just went off. saying how she was disrespecting her, then she said shit about me. and how i dont respect her when it comes to things... i dont know why but i stuck up for it... i dont think she will say anymore shit, im told her how its old and im tired of arguing about it and im gonna do what i want. but i just really saw how she acted and things... and i always promised myself i wouldnt be like that... but im ashamed how i acted on tuesday, i was upset and mad but i dont know why i acted like that. and its just like that attutide came back. i just really started thinking about it... i talked to my dad about two hours ago about it... i hate how she is when she is mad. i just talked to him about it, i told him that i hate how i act when im mad, like i stopped for a long time doing that. then it just came back.... and its just like shit to me bc i dont want to be like my mother. he said just talked to me... he told me that im like that bc i grew up with that; like whenever im mad, i grew up seeing how my mother acted and i therefore thought i should be mad like that. me and him just talked about it, like my mother and attutide. im so like... mad and ashamed of myself about it... like on tuesday i had a right to be upset, but i shouldnt have acted like that, and like i noticed that in 5th period after it happened. and then i was raising my voice lately... i think its bc its like my mother is getting all bitchy again and its like im the only one in THAT house with her, so she always bitches to me now about how she feels and all this crap. and i dont want to be around it anymore, its affecting me. like she went all balistic last night... i have been thinking about that a lot. and i just talked to my dad and told him how i have been feeling with my mom lately... im sooo tired of it.... he said by how she acts she pushes us away from having a real relationship with her, and he is right. like damn, i felt so bad when last night she was like im gonna move to penn. a place a hate bc i cant stand to watch alicia and you next grow up how you will; and i couldnt believe i was really thinking about wanting her to leave. like my life would be so much easier. i love her but im tired of her, and her attitude and im mad that she raised us the way she did, if i lived with my dad all my life, i thought about it, i wouldnt be like that when i get mad... i wouldnt do that... and i feel so bad about raising my voice to someone, bc its just like wtf why did i do that, and then i pushed him one time. my dad told me to focus on keeping control of it, he said that he has even gone off on her and how she is all bad again. i dunno... im just so torn over everything. i try to focus on things but i cant.i need to learn how to get better control, like i can control it, but its like only to a certain point. just some of the crap that came out of her mouth last night... iwas like SHUT UP! i have too much to deal with right now, and on my plate. but its soo weird, like towards the end of her bickering, i just tuned her out. im getting better at that... but damn....
my dad helped me with stuff today... but i said stuff too. he told me that the only right thing for me to do is to be true to myself. i got into how i try but she just gets mad, like about mainly one thing. and i talked to him about it, in a way. i get mad at her bc its like i try that, i try to tell her what i want, what i need, and its like no it has to be her way then she gets all butt hurt when i do what i want. she told me how she is used to me not listening to her about certain things now, and all i thought was good. i want to live my OWN life, and make my own decisions...
and i thought about how everything would be without my mother... so much better. or without my mamas anger issues and views on things... i thought about how with moses we wouldnt have as many problems, like just NORMAL issues like something stupid that you will probably laugh at a week later.
senor year is not going my way at all. i thought it would be great, and that i would be so happy and have everything.... but those are the last things i have... we will see how it goes