Nobody Said It Was Easy, Oh, It's Such a Shame For Us to Part. Noone Ever Said It Would Be So Hard
So, I guess I'm really bad at updating too... I used to be so good with my livejournal. I loved that thing. Oh well, such is life.
There is one thing that is taking place in my life right now (which is probably taking place in many of yours as well), which I can not bear to think about. I just read an entry in my cousins journal about it that she wrote a few weeks ago (because I'm horrible at keeping up with these things). What I'm talking about is change. Every little thing I do or whenever I make a decision, that could very well determine the rest of my life. Now, I'm not talking about like, what kind of ice cream I should eat when I go visit work; No, I'm talking about the things such as deciding where to go to school, what kind of job I should get over the summer, etc. I could have easily taken the tough road, and actually gone to Kansas State like I had planned to do last fall when I applied, but I soon realized there were things at home that were keeping me here. We all know that my sister and I are very different people and at very different points in our lives; but what if I had been more like her and been more career-oriented than focusing on the love I had found?
Now, don't get me wrong. Mark is not the sole reason I stayed in New York at Cobleskill, but he certainly did help to make that decision. I knew that K-State would be an excellent opportunity, and when I got my acceptance letter on April 1st I was like 'Haha, yeah april fools', nice' - But I really was scared to death by what I should actually do, and what I felt was the right thing to do. I mean, if K-State had given me more financial aid than just $1,000 a year, then I probably would have considered it more. I mean, signing away my life to be $22,000 in debt per year (so probably a total of 2-2.5) at K-State is not very appealing. However, I got the financial package two weeks after I had my mind made up as to what I would do.
I remember what Shannon went through with Brandon. And I know she is very career-oriented and always has been; never much time for boys. Myself on the other hand, I love having that one person who, no matter what, will always make you smile. To see that person will make your day. I love that feeling that you get when you look into their eyes. And I know how I feel with Mark, and I don't ever want to let that go. Shannon and Brandon had been together longer than Mark and I.... And they had known each other a lot longer. I know it was wrong of me to compare, but I couldn't help it. Now, don't get me wrong, because I love Brandon and think he's an excellent guy, but I don't think they were made for each other, so it's better it didn't work out even though much hurt was involved. And that was another thing. The pain they both went through. Brandon was like my big brother, so I got both sides of the story, but I never want to have to go through what they went through. And I pray that when Mark goes to Cornell in the fall, we won't have to fight that. I hope nothing changes.
I just can't help thinking how my life has completely been turned around since I went to Cobleskill. Even after having been there for a semester, I knew it was better. When I met Mark last fall, I was the happiest person alive. Okay, maybe not immediately because I did think he was a creep... But he helped me a lot when my grandmothers were ill in October. He let me stay on his couch for two days straight because I couldn't bear to be alone. And no joke, it was two days straight. I barely left his apartment. He was there for me and comforted me so well, like nobody else could even though at the time I didn't have any extreme feelings for him. He also did an amazing job when I was super stressed because mom was having surgery. He has helped me a lot. But he has brought the real me back. I love being around him, we have yet to actually fight, we seem to understand each other well, and I can actually TRUST him. I don't know if I ever had that with Mike (no offense if you read this), but I was always worried about Mike and I'm not sure why that is. Probably a horrible start to our relationship way back in October of '05, but oh well. ANYWAY. The point I'm getting at is: I'm finally making the decisions that will shape the rest of my life. Going to school in NY instead of KS. Being in this serious of a relationship at the age of 21. Keeping my animals or getting rid of them all. Concentrating more on my school work, or going for more of the social end of it. It all matters now, it seems. It's no longer the carefree teenage years that I embraced (seriously. I'm not being sarcastic). I'm 21. I have to grow up.
Some times I'm glad that I'm getting old. But I also just want to go back and be 10 years old again...
There is one thing that is taking place in my life right now (which is probably taking place in many of yours as well), which I can not bear to think about. I just read an entry in my cousins journal about it that she wrote a few weeks ago (because I'm horrible at keeping up with these things). What I'm talking about is change. Every little thing I do or whenever I make a decision, that could very well determine the rest of my life. Now, I'm not talking about like, what kind of ice cream I should eat when I go visit work; No, I'm talking about the things such as deciding where to go to school, what kind of job I should get over the summer, etc. I could have easily taken the tough road, and actually gone to Kansas State like I had planned to do last fall when I applied, but I soon realized there were things at home that were keeping me here. We all know that my sister and I are very different people and at very different points in our lives; but what if I had been more like her and been more career-oriented than focusing on the love I had found?
Now, don't get me wrong. Mark is not the sole reason I stayed in New York at Cobleskill, but he certainly did help to make that decision. I knew that K-State would be an excellent opportunity, and when I got my acceptance letter on April 1st I was like 'Haha, yeah april fools', nice' - But I really was scared to death by what I should actually do, and what I felt was the right thing to do. I mean, if K-State had given me more financial aid than just $1,000 a year, then I probably would have considered it more. I mean, signing away my life to be $22,000 in debt per year (so probably a total of 2-2.5) at K-State is not very appealing. However, I got the financial package two weeks after I had my mind made up as to what I would do.
I remember what Shannon went through with Brandon. And I know she is very career-oriented and always has been; never much time for boys. Myself on the other hand, I love having that one person who, no matter what, will always make you smile. To see that person will make your day. I love that feeling that you get when you look into their eyes. And I know how I feel with Mark, and I don't ever want to let that go. Shannon and Brandon had been together longer than Mark and I.... And they had known each other a lot longer. I know it was wrong of me to compare, but I couldn't help it. Now, don't get me wrong, because I love Brandon and think he's an excellent guy, but I don't think they were made for each other, so it's better it didn't work out even though much hurt was involved. And that was another thing. The pain they both went through. Brandon was like my big brother, so I got both sides of the story, but I never want to have to go through what they went through. And I pray that when Mark goes to Cornell in the fall, we won't have to fight that. I hope nothing changes.
I just can't help thinking how my life has completely been turned around since I went to Cobleskill. Even after having been there for a semester, I knew it was better. When I met Mark last fall, I was the happiest person alive. Okay, maybe not immediately because I did think he was a creep... But he helped me a lot when my grandmothers were ill in October. He let me stay on his couch for two days straight because I couldn't bear to be alone. And no joke, it was two days straight. I barely left his apartment. He was there for me and comforted me so well, like nobody else could even though at the time I didn't have any extreme feelings for him. He also did an amazing job when I was super stressed because mom was having surgery. He has helped me a lot. But he has brought the real me back. I love being around him, we have yet to actually fight, we seem to understand each other well, and I can actually TRUST him. I don't know if I ever had that with Mike (no offense if you read this), but I was always worried about Mike and I'm not sure why that is. Probably a horrible start to our relationship way back in October of '05, but oh well. ANYWAY. The point I'm getting at is: I'm finally making the decisions that will shape the rest of my life. Going to school in NY instead of KS. Being in this serious of a relationship at the age of 21. Keeping my animals or getting rid of them all. Concentrating more on my school work, or going for more of the social end of it. It all matters now, it seems. It's no longer the carefree teenage years that I embraced (seriously. I'm not being sarcastic). I'm 21. I have to grow up.
Some times I'm glad that I'm getting old. But I also just want to go back and be 10 years old again...