"There's no more heart to bruise, there's no greater power than the power of good-bye...."
"Maybe part of loving is learning to let go."
~From the television show The Wonder Years~
It has been well over a year since my last entry. My entry today will mark the closing of a chapter in my life that has been open for far too long. My entry for this chapter is a good-bye...
I love the particular quote above because it's right...part of loving is learning to let go.
Let's start at the beginning...since my last entry it'd been over a year since I talked to Justin. I had spent the year trying to get past those feelings. I had my crushes, tried to date, the whole nine yards. After all, I had accepted that the possibility of us was never going to be. He was still a lost boy who didn't know what he wanted.
Two weekends ago I got several emails and AIM messages from him asking me to please give him a call so we could talk. Out of curiosity to know why he wanted to talk I did call and leave a message. A few days later he texted me and then we talked. Naturally, his first question was if I had a boyfriend or friend or crush. And I said no, I asked him the same and he said he was single, the last relationship was the girl he told me about last year. He apologized for the past year. He cut all ties in hoping to not hurt me. He knew he didn't know what he wanted so he just let things go but now he knew what life was like without me and he wanted me back in it because he felt he was happier with me in his life. I, of course am not ready to jump on the bandwagon once again. He hurt me too many times in the last 5 1/2 years to go running back. I had to get my answers. So I asked him, why this sudden realization? And he explained that he really thought about things, that he missed me, that he never stopped thinking about me and that he wanted to try again. He knew he had a good thing in front of him and he was an idiot not to see it but he was scared. So I asked him, and what are you wanting exactly? Just friendship? and he said "No, more than that because you're more than just a friend to me. You're like my best friend and everything rolled into one. I know I hurt you but I just want to leave our past behind and move on and see how things go." Needless to say I still hadn't given him an answer. I really wanted to weigh things out, how was I to know if he would disappear again or if it was all for fun and games. I did ask him that and he told me he was serious this time, I asked him how could he be so sure about this when before he wasn't? And he said it was because he felt a connection with me that he hadn't with anyone else. We spent the rest of the night and early next morning talking. He wanted to know what my decision was but I was still thinking about things so I asked him to give me time. He said he was fine with that but he promised he wasn't going away and he'd be there.
Well shortly after we hung up, about an hour later I get an incoming call on a blocked number. Since it was about 3:30 in the morning I had to answer, because I wanted to know who would be calling so late. The next thing I know I hear a girl's voice asking me "Why are you talking to my boyfriend?" I'm in shock thinking who the hell is this and why are they calling so late so I ask, "Who is this? And who is your boyfriend?" The person responds and tells me, "My boyfriend Justin of 2 years, why are you talking to him?" I'll tell you what...my heart about dropped right there. She continued to blast questions at me, asking if I was dating him, who was I etc. And I told her that I had no clue he had a girlfriend and that he was the one who contacted me. She was upset, as I was but wanted to clear things with him and told me she was going over there to talk to him and would call me afterwards. Needless to say within 15 minutes of hanging up with her I burst into tears and did not stop crying. Thankfully my cousin was there with me and I just cried a river in her shoulder, it was her comforting and my exhaustion of crying that finally got me to sleep.
I attempted to call him the next day, but of course he didn't answer. Later when I was out to dinner with my cousin who was trying to cheer me up, I got a few text messages from her and we ended up talking on the phone to clear the air. I felt horrible...although I did not know about her, I felt like "the other woman". I still can't believe the lies that he told. They had been together for 2 years now, meeting at a morning job he used to have. I guess they've talked about marriage and kids and he told her I was just a friend he wanted to get in contact with, nothing more.
I hate what a liar he is but I still cannot hate him. Call me insane but I could never harbor hard feelings for him. So I told his girlfriend the truth about everything, and I wished her well with him. I'm not the type of girl to steal anyone's partner and never will be. And although I was heartbroken, I felt worse for his girlfriend because they had been together 2 years and he was lying to her.
This was when I realized the chapter was closed. All the other times Justin hurt me, at least it was just between me and him. This time it involved someone else and I refuse to be responsible for that. If he lied about this, I'm sure there's a number of things he lied about, not including all the lies he told me the night before. So I texted him my final goodbye. I told him all I had ever wanted was for him to be happy so to have a happy life with her. Thanks for the times and goodbye. I let his girlfriend know I would be doing that for closure's sake. The very next day, I got a few calls from her and texts asking if I had spoken to him yet and I told her no, that I would not and I sent a goodbye text. He actually texted back to let me know he's sorry, wouldn't be bothering me again, that it was over and goodbye.
I feel like this drama is far from over though, his girlfriend seems to be very unsettled and continued to text me throughout the day, asking me questions I had already answered. I've let him go, I wished him well and her well too. I genuinely hope he'll be happy and I do hope that he'll do her right by not doing this again. But I have to say, as much as it all hurt. This was the closure that I finally needed to end the 5 1/2 years. Too many years of "what-ifs" and open feelings. Thankfully it has come to an end.
It was a long and hard lesson to learn but I feel that is what I was supposed to learn with him. With him I learned to open my heart again. To love someone completely and deeply with no reservations. After all, he was never my type, and in every way was wrong for me yet I loved him with all my heart. And to finally let go of a person....and I let go without a heavy heart. I let go only wanting him to be happy.
I know this is one step closer to the person I'm meant to be with. All I hope is through all the heartache and pain I've experienced, he will be worth it.
And so the chapter of my life that circled around Justin has come to an end. I can finally move on with no strings attached. Here's to the next chapter....
"The Power Of Good-Bye"
by Madonna
Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken...I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?
Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken...I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress
Chorus:
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
Bridge:
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye
Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no more places to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
~From the television show The Wonder Years~
It has been well over a year since my last entry. My entry today will mark the closing of a chapter in my life that has been open for far too long. My entry for this chapter is a good-bye...
I love the particular quote above because it's right...part of loving is learning to let go.
Let's start at the beginning...since my last entry it'd been over a year since I talked to Justin. I had spent the year trying to get past those feelings. I had my crushes, tried to date, the whole nine yards. After all, I had accepted that the possibility of us was never going to be. He was still a lost boy who didn't know what he wanted.
Two weekends ago I got several emails and AIM messages from him asking me to please give him a call so we could talk. Out of curiosity to know why he wanted to talk I did call and leave a message. A few days later he texted me and then we talked. Naturally, his first question was if I had a boyfriend or friend or crush. And I said no, I asked him the same and he said he was single, the last relationship was the girl he told me about last year. He apologized for the past year. He cut all ties in hoping to not hurt me. He knew he didn't know what he wanted so he just let things go but now he knew what life was like without me and he wanted me back in it because he felt he was happier with me in his life. I, of course am not ready to jump on the bandwagon once again. He hurt me too many times in the last 5 1/2 years to go running back. I had to get my answers. So I asked him, why this sudden realization? And he explained that he really thought about things, that he missed me, that he never stopped thinking about me and that he wanted to try again. He knew he had a good thing in front of him and he was an idiot not to see it but he was scared. So I asked him, and what are you wanting exactly? Just friendship? and he said "No, more than that because you're more than just a friend to me. You're like my best friend and everything rolled into one. I know I hurt you but I just want to leave our past behind and move on and see how things go." Needless to say I still hadn't given him an answer. I really wanted to weigh things out, how was I to know if he would disappear again or if it was all for fun and games. I did ask him that and he told me he was serious this time, I asked him how could he be so sure about this when before he wasn't? And he said it was because he felt a connection with me that he hadn't with anyone else. We spent the rest of the night and early next morning talking. He wanted to know what my decision was but I was still thinking about things so I asked him to give me time. He said he was fine with that but he promised he wasn't going away and he'd be there.
Well shortly after we hung up, about an hour later I get an incoming call on a blocked number. Since it was about 3:30 in the morning I had to answer, because I wanted to know who would be calling so late. The next thing I know I hear a girl's voice asking me "Why are you talking to my boyfriend?" I'm in shock thinking who the hell is this and why are they calling so late so I ask, "Who is this? And who is your boyfriend?" The person responds and tells me, "My boyfriend Justin of 2 years, why are you talking to him?" I'll tell you what...my heart about dropped right there. She continued to blast questions at me, asking if I was dating him, who was I etc. And I told her that I had no clue he had a girlfriend and that he was the one who contacted me. She was upset, as I was but wanted to clear things with him and told me she was going over there to talk to him and would call me afterwards. Needless to say within 15 minutes of hanging up with her I burst into tears and did not stop crying. Thankfully my cousin was there with me and I just cried a river in her shoulder, it was her comforting and my exhaustion of crying that finally got me to sleep.
I attempted to call him the next day, but of course he didn't answer. Later when I was out to dinner with my cousin who was trying to cheer me up, I got a few text messages from her and we ended up talking on the phone to clear the air. I felt horrible...although I did not know about her, I felt like "the other woman". I still can't believe the lies that he told. They had been together for 2 years now, meeting at a morning job he used to have. I guess they've talked about marriage and kids and he told her I was just a friend he wanted to get in contact with, nothing more.
I hate what a liar he is but I still cannot hate him. Call me insane but I could never harbor hard feelings for him. So I told his girlfriend the truth about everything, and I wished her well with him. I'm not the type of girl to steal anyone's partner and never will be. And although I was heartbroken, I felt worse for his girlfriend because they had been together 2 years and he was lying to her.
This was when I realized the chapter was closed. All the other times Justin hurt me, at least it was just between me and him. This time it involved someone else and I refuse to be responsible for that. If he lied about this, I'm sure there's a number of things he lied about, not including all the lies he told me the night before. So I texted him my final goodbye. I told him all I had ever wanted was for him to be happy so to have a happy life with her. Thanks for the times and goodbye. I let his girlfriend know I would be doing that for closure's sake. The very next day, I got a few calls from her and texts asking if I had spoken to him yet and I told her no, that I would not and I sent a goodbye text. He actually texted back to let me know he's sorry, wouldn't be bothering me again, that it was over and goodbye.
I feel like this drama is far from over though, his girlfriend seems to be very unsettled and continued to text me throughout the day, asking me questions I had already answered. I've let him go, I wished him well and her well too. I genuinely hope he'll be happy and I do hope that he'll do her right by not doing this again. But I have to say, as much as it all hurt. This was the closure that I finally needed to end the 5 1/2 years. Too many years of "what-ifs" and open feelings. Thankfully it has come to an end.
It was a long and hard lesson to learn but I feel that is what I was supposed to learn with him. With him I learned to open my heart again. To love someone completely and deeply with no reservations. After all, he was never my type, and in every way was wrong for me yet I loved him with all my heart. And to finally let go of a person....and I let go without a heavy heart. I let go only wanting him to be happy.
I know this is one step closer to the person I'm meant to be with. All I hope is through all the heartache and pain I've experienced, he will be worth it.
And so the chapter of my life that circled around Justin has come to an end. I can finally move on with no strings attached. Here's to the next chapter....
"The Power Of Good-Bye"
by Madonna
Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken...I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?
Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken...I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress
Chorus:
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
Bridge:
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye
Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no more places to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye