OUT
SOOOOOOO...............I'm GAY.....yeah.....a fucking lesbian. Just thought it was time to say so. My mom found out tonight....here's how it happened:
So, ok....I was looking at Sasha's (Lissie's girl thing's) myspace page when my mom was down here on our other computer right by mine (since our internet hookup is right by here, it had to be that way....even though I think my dad will be getting around to putting in wireless soon-ish).....she saw a picture of Sasha.....and then I told her she was Lissie's friend.....and so I was showing her pictures in Lissie's albums....without showing her the captions of course, lol......and she saw one with Meggie (one of Lissie's TOTALLY butch friends :D).....yeah.....she asked if Lissie is gay....and I asked her why....but she just said Lissie seemed like she might be....so I told her after a little bit of hesitation that Lissie is, in fact, gay......but then she asked if I'm gay.....and so......of course I stall by asking why......and she said something...but I forgot what it was because I was all angsty feeling.....it was something that didn't really suffice my curiosity....and yeah....so I told her, "I like girls". Then we got talking and I don't know why.....prolly because I was totally frazzled.....but I stupidly brought up religion and how I don't see the Bible as meaning true love when it is talking about homosexuality as a sin and something that automatically sends you to hell....she basically said she believes that IS what the Bible means....and that marriage is meant to be for a man and a woman....and that gay people try to convert everyone....she says my gay friends converted me and that I should go to this special gay people therapist who converts people back into straightness.....aaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mom is aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! .......but she said she loves me and will always love me and just wants what's best for me and that I should really search inside myself to see who I truly am in His image.
*SIGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!* Eh, it was inevitable that she would find out eventually.....I just figured I would be the one initiating.....not her.....WOOAAAAHHHH!!!!!!! ......sorry......just a YEAHHHH feeling after all that happened......just WOOOAAAAHHHHHH...............
Okay....so.....I wrote some stuff about it a while ago....about how I realized I'm gay and a ton of shitty things I did in my life starting in March of '06....here it is:
22 May 2007
How I figured out I am gay....Lissie was my "sandwich lady".....she made me meatball sandwiches like every day when I still had flex dollars (at the end of the year, I was broke as for as that goes, lol). She started hitting on me after I got my hair cut shorter than usual, and I thought it was funny, so I'd be playful back...but I didn't really think anything of it. Then, one day in the sandwich line, I saw that written on her arm it said, "LESBIAN (get over it!)". Lol, and so that's how I figured her out...I'm not that observant, lol. But...yeah...we always joked with each other, got to talking on Myspace, and eventually started hanging out, which became more and more frequent. After I had talked to her some on Myspace, it really got me thinking. I realized I had a lot of things in my past that hinted at my gayness and that guys weren't nearly as attractive to me as females......I don't know, I've been around other gay people, but for some reason, this time things clicked. Lissie's really a great friend, very understanding.....I guess I figured it out about a month ago or so....it's been a rather recent discovery/acknowledgement.
Apparently at some point, a few rumors were spread through the grapevine about me sleeping around…yeah...that happened this past summer and fall mostly. Starting in March of '06, I got into a really rebellious and "try-new-things" phase. I did a lot of stupid shit that could have gotten me into a lot more trouble than I actually got in. A lot of my actions in the fall at Whitworth could have gotten me Big 3's; I was hella lucky. Something happened though, that I don't want to discuss, and I decided I didn't want to be around sex, drugs, and alcohol and that I don't want my life to go in that direction. So, I pretty much stopped all of that cold turkey. I realized that a lot of the sexual things with guys were because I was curious and wanting to be rebellious and that I wasn't actually really attracted to guys sexually (I still think some of them have very beautiful faces and am sometimes attracted to their torso/arm muscles, lol). Then, Lissie got me hooked on "The L Word"....and that's when I truly figured out that I am definitely sexually attracted to females and am gay.
So, yeah......
....a lot has happened since March of '06.....a lot of pretty stupid and bad things......and some things were brought to light that have helped me to grow. I feel like I'm headed in a new direction and am being honest with myself; I just hope things work out.
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There are also some thoughts I wrote about the discrimination policy deal at Whitworth that I wrote a while ago:
14 May 2007
So, the U.S. government recently added sexual orientation to the non-discrimination law. However, private schools get to decide for themselves whether or not they want to add it to our policy; Whitworth declined. So there was a protest on campus and the news was here, but there wasn't much publicity about it...anyway, the policy mostly only involves the hiring of employees, but one of the board members spoke at the protest and said that, yes, they could potentially discriminate against someone by the sexual orientation, and thus, decide not to hire that person. Another issue brought up at the protest was the fact that we're not allowed to have a GSA here (Gay/Straight Alliance). We can only have an unofficial "gay club". This is because the school is afraid of losing funding from school donors since it is against their beliefs and because they're afraid because they know that some professors would quit if the policy was made to include sexual orientation. So, basically, they're afraid of losing money and are disregarding the moral issue that all people should be treated equal, whether or not you agree with their life choices; it's a civil rights issue, and homosexuals are being denied their civil rights.....and thus, are being denied the acknowledgment of their humanity. I take this personally since it also applies to me, regardless of the fact that I'm not "out" yet. Also, I am upset, not just because of the policy, but also because of the widespread discrimination on campus by other students. They tell homosexuals they are going to hell (although, that one doesn't come as a shocker to me at a Christian college, despite that it is condemning someone when Christians are supposed to show God's love to everyone), they have called homosexuals many horrible names, they have left the room when a homosexual walks in, etc. I haven't yet experienced this for myself since I'm not "out", but it does scare me shitless to think of coming out in the future sometime.
23 May 2007
There was also a follow up to the protest, a "Town Hall" meeting in the Chapel, where the administration basically just repeated what they said at the protest and were defending themselves in the decision they made. They didn't even seem open to listening to what others had to say because they were aggressively emphasizing that "they were right" and were too focused on that to be able to open their ears to others. The whole issue is extremely frustrating, and I almost can't even calmly talk about it because of the rage I feel inside resulting from the way the issue has been handled. We will see if any changes are made by next fall, but I seriously doubt it, which aggravates me beyond belief. I mean, am I human, or not? Well, apparently that doesn't matter because us homosexuals aren't treated like we are…not that I've experienced it yet, not being "out" and all, but I know I'll see it happen to friends…and if I'm out by fall, I'm sure I'll experience it as well. Damn, why did such an academically strong school have to be so unaccepting and discriminatory? Why, why, why?!?!
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So there you have it...I am a LESBIAN!!!! Ha. Yeah....didn't feel like hiding it anymore....yeah...still can't get over the WOOOAAAAAHHHHH feeling of the mom thing....woah....
so yeah...
/the end