so live for the moment
As is the fad, I've been reading through my journal entries from this time last year. And I've been trying to remember. I've been trying to remember the bad days that I wrote about. Why was New Year's day so terrible for me last year? What made me doubt some of my friendships last year? Why was I terribly upset one day? Why did Jessica and I fight one particular day?
You know what? I have no idea whatsoever.
But you know what I do remember? Snow days, Spring Break in New York City, VJAS, Spring Trip, Clean Claire's Room Weekend, random hangout sessions, my birthday, Claire and Jessica's Birthday Bash, my road trip out west, Bobby's birthday, my beach vacation, Myrtle Beach with Jessica when we couldn't find a hotel, getting a car, getting my license, Hooters after a football game, Thanksgiving in New York.
I remember what matters most to me. I remember the times of my life. The times when I felt so alive.
Life isn't about the arguments or the bad days. It isn't about failing friendships or about bad grades. Life isn't about being popular or about pleasing everyone. And it isn't about the lonely weekends or any of the rough patches at all. It just isn't.
Life is about those "Aha" moments. When something just clicks inside of you and everything feels right. Life is about the people who leave "Heartprints". Those that affect you so deeply you know that they have changed you forever. Life is about moving on after heartbreak, or choosing not to. Life is about forgiving. It's about the friends you have made, and more importantly, the friends you have kept. Life is about your family and friends. Those that you love. But more importantly, life is about you. Life is about love. Life is about happiness. Life is about the way you love and how happy you are.
I will never again let my life be any different from that. It just isn't worth it.
So here I am, with essentially the same entry I wrote 364 days ago. With the same New Year's resolution as I had last year, because evidently it didn't work out for me.
I never learned to cease the day. I'm still drinking bad wine. I'm dwelling on a failed relationship, when the other person doesnt even want to reconcile the friendship. I'm still as worried as ever about people's opinions of me. I'm still not completely who I want to be because other people are pushing me to be someone else. I've messed up many a time in the past year. But I've also grown. I've learned so much from people this year. I've learned who my fair weather friends are. And I've learned who will be by my side through everything. I've experienced true love at it's fullest this year.
So here I am, with many a New Year's Resolution:
- Carpe Diem.
- Finish Of Mice and Men before tomorrow.
- Work out more.
- Stop procrastination.
- Hang out with people other than Bobby more.
- Strengthen my friendship with Carmen and others. But mostly Carmen.
- Stop worrying about lost relationships in which I have no control.
- Watch more Oprah.
- Get into UVA.
- Go to church more.
- Clean my room more than once a year.
- Update my livejournal/webshots on a regular basis.
- Get off of MySpace.
- Bring up my statistics grade.
- Bring up all of my grades.
- Get bassoon lessons and practice my bassoon. Try out for All State Band and not make a fool of myself.
- Love better.
- Be happy.
Je t'aime.
<3 E-Claire