(no subject)
she layed on the blue-grey carpet. in a fetal position with her arms crossed gently rocking back and forth. she didn't know how to stop it. she didnt know how to make them go away. she kept pleading with the air to make them go away. she asked God to make them go away. no answer. they kept coming. surging now like an army ready for the colonals final call they kept lining up and one right after another they came. ready or not, here they were in full force charging down the tan softness of her cheeks. tears. she wanted so badly to stop. yet, aside from her wants, everything inside her fell apart, and she felt each piece ripped slowly away. how did she get here? she wondered. "again" she thought. the disappointment rose as the army kept lining up. she thought to herself that she could only tell herself "it's not me" so many times before it wore out its welcome. "it must be me" she thought again and again, trying to place the blame on something other than nothing. "how can someone not see what i am, who i am, what i'll be" she questioned silently. then all of a sudden without warning or plan, it came. a yell. she didnt mean to let such a fierce noise out of her, she didn't even know she had the capacity to carry so much noise inside of her body, but she had no idea what else to do. words could not express this and neither could thought. and with each thought of future plans she yelled louder and louder--valentines and the movie marathon, baseball and the debut of her personalized jersey, vegas--a trip planned many a weekends, the concert with a band he'd introduced her to, her birthday...everything she'd looked forward to, gone. she felt so differently about it this time, she hadnt messed up, she hadnt made a mistake, she'd been the girl she'd been told she needed to be. then silence. still rocking back and forth with no sign of relief from the army's commander, she felt it. emptiness. she reached for her phone half a dozen times only to put it back down. she considered how much easier it was just being someones waste of time, but in the same breath she considered how she really truely felt that she was the next best thing. "how do you handle such blatent rejection" she thought. as she continued to rock back and forth she began to wonder how someone is to measure how they feel with how the most important person in their life feels about them. "why do we always believe our worst critics?" a thought that entered her mind every time she let down her parents. "how could she not be good enough?" this was misery she thought. total complete misery and she did not know how to stop it.