you've captured my heart with this love.
i went to church today. it felt really good, truth is, i miss that old me. a lot. i was so much happier then, so much less preoccupied with myself. i was less selfish and more open. i realized today how many walls i've built up since i stopped going. how much pain and hurt i've consumed myself with causing me to put walls up without even realizing. i dont trust anyone. thats just the plain hard truth. i've been burned so many times that i've come to realize i just cant trust anyone. i'm mean and cold and its because of the things that i've been exposed to, so i'm constantly on my guard picking fights because i want so badly to not be so hurt. i deep, down feel like people, men particularly, are just going to hurt me. the fact of the matter is, i want to feel secure. i want security. i want to know that someones not going to leave me. even some of my closest friends have left me...for other people, nonetheless, and it kills me.
i'm exhausting myself in my own insecurity. someday, i'll find someone who will offer my that security that noone else has wanted to, and thats how i'll know. thats how i'll know they'll be the one, because where everyone else has failed, he will not. i wont have to go to bed thinking....did i lose a friend? are they never going to talk to me? what am i doing wrong? i'll have the security in knowing that that person, regardless of how i am, will love me for who i am and not disown or ignore me for the mistakes that i make.
its funny, thats what the sermon was about...having validation and security rather than insecurity and doubt. he talked about how, we should never have to feel that people dont love us for the mistakes that we make, because we're human, and those that live in truth, appreciate the flaws in one another. regardless of how big or small those flaws are.
i wanna do some volunteer work this christmas. i've been thinking about it for a couple days cause my students at school have to volunteer for school. i want to go work at a kitchen or put together boxes or go do something to help the community. i think it will help me refocus my priorities.
sometimes, people make me feel like shit, or that i'm a crappy person...and i'm not, i really try to make people happy. do i mess up? yeah. but everyone does. it doesnt make me any less of a person than them. and it sucks, because i'm so hard on myself.
i'm exhausting myself in my own insecurity. someday, i'll find someone who will offer my that security that noone else has wanted to, and thats how i'll know. thats how i'll know they'll be the one, because where everyone else has failed, he will not. i wont have to go to bed thinking....did i lose a friend? are they never going to talk to me? what am i doing wrong? i'll have the security in knowing that that person, regardless of how i am, will love me for who i am and not disown or ignore me for the mistakes that i make.
its funny, thats what the sermon was about...having validation and security rather than insecurity and doubt. he talked about how, we should never have to feel that people dont love us for the mistakes that we make, because we're human, and those that live in truth, appreciate the flaws in one another. regardless of how big or small those flaws are.
i wanna do some volunteer work this christmas. i've been thinking about it for a couple days cause my students at school have to volunteer for school. i want to go work at a kitchen or put together boxes or go do something to help the community. i think it will help me refocus my priorities.
sometimes, people make me feel like shit, or that i'm a crappy person...and i'm not, i really try to make people happy. do i mess up? yeah. but everyone does. it doesnt make me any less of a person than them. and it sucks, because i'm so hard on myself.