Am I Cold?
Today wasn't near as hard as I thought it would be. My first anniversary without her I thought for sure would be one of the hardest days of my life but it wasn't. I find that in itself sad. The fact that I based my life upon this one girl for quite awhile, and well honestly I feel like I should miss her more. I feel like I'm cold, or there's something wrong with me to actually be okay already. I mean sure it still hurts when I think about certain things and how badly we ended, but half the time when I think about our past I get a huge smile on my face. We had some great times, and those are all I think about now. I don't waist time thinking about all the things that went wrong or the things I should have done. But, I feel like I should still be doing those things, stressing over them. I'm not saying I have completely moved on and am ready to start dating and what not, that couldn't be farther from the truth, all I am saying is I'm actually okay. Before I knew you were suppose to say "well I'm happy if your happy, even if it's not with me", I mean everyone knows to say that. It's a cheesy line in every movie, and well it's just what you are suppose to say to let that person know you will always care. But now, I actually understand what it is to feel that, because I do. I love Erica's smile and all I want is for her to be happy. Sure I think it sucks that she wasn't happy with me but shit has a funny way of working out and all I want is her to find herself, love herself, and just flat out be happy. I think my jealousy for so long stemmed from the fact that when other girls paid her attention or she was around other people she always looked so happy, so fulfilled, and I couldn't make her that way. If it anything it hurt me to know other people could make her happier than I could. I don't know though, perhaps that's not the whole truth but it doesn't even matter. She has a new girl in her life, she's taking things slow, which I totally commend her for, honestly I don't even know if she wants to date the girl, but anyway, she talks to me about this girl and she just seems happy. I have had the previlege of seeing the girl and she is absolutely beautiful. I think this girl, Amanda, is helping Erica find the real her and finally appreciate the wonderful woman she is, and for that reason I could never dislike Amanda, in fact I think very highly of her for helping Erica. Erica and I are having a hard time developing a friendship, but I want one so bad. I can handle seeing her with another girl, that's not a problem... I mean yeah it might sting a little but it's nothing I can't handle in order to be able to be around her and in her life again. I think she still has alot of hostile feelings towards me though, and that's why we are unable to develope one. I have let go of mine, but that doesn't mean she has, however, I will wait patiently until the day we can be friends again. All my friends ask me if I would ever get back with her, and for the longest time I said no but was really thinking in a heartbeat... but now, now I have discovered the person I am, the person I love that I am, and I will never let that go. And unfortuantely with the way Erica and I work we both take our individuality from one another. It's actually quite funny the way life goes... one day your planning the rest of your life, from the kids names to the house, and then you talk every once in awhile mainly just to get your shit back from the other person. Love is painful, that's definately one thing I have learned, however, I am so thrilled and grateful that I was able to experience a love like ours was. And I must say it feels so FUCKING good to be me again!! Hey Liz... I got 99 problems...!! Nina I know your secret... hahaha!!