Growing Up
I have learned alot, and in the short period of time since I last wrote I have grown up alot. I realized I shouldn't regret the time I spent with Erica or see it as a waist of time, it was a learning experience. I have discovered so many things about myself, things I never knew. I was doubting myself and degrading myself, and it's not my fault our relationship didn't work. Her and I weren't mean to be, and we both tried to the best of our ability and it just wasn't meant to be. It's not her fault and it's not my fault. I think the only part that is very sad about the break up is how cold and rude Erica has beeen towards me. But perhaps thats her way of dealing with everything, but that is not up to me figure out. I spent so much time trying to figure out why she was acting the way she was and doing the thing she was, but now I realize it doesn't matter. She's doing her thing and having a good time and for that I am happy. I think our break up was one of the best decisions we ever made. I have found that there are so many people in my life that truly care about so I don't need to depend on her for her love, because what she lacks I have elsewhere. Now that I am going out more and meeting new people and putting myself around my friends I realize that was the root of my depression. I was so alone. My self-esteem is far from low now, which feels GREAT! My friends make me feel beautiful everyday and they are all I need to make me happy. Sure I would love to have a significant other beside me also, but for now I'm giving myself time to discover who I am. I lost who I was and the person I was proud to be in my last realtion and I will never do that again. I'm not so negative anymore and I've learned that not everything has to be explained. Shit happens, and you just kinda have to go with it otherwise you are going to make yourself miserable. Basically what I've learned is I'm gonna be okay. I'm not a bad person. And just because one relationship failed horribly doesn't mean I'm doomed, it just means something even better is coming along. So, I'm okay, for all those who were wondering. Actually I'm better than okay, I think I am the happiest I have ever been!!!! I want to say thank you especially to my sister Jamie Jo, and Katy... you two helped knock some major sense into my ass. Thank you for the talks and the laughs, you two helped me in a way that I don't think I'll ever be able to show you my full gratitude. Also, Christina and Liz, not only have you two helped me through talks, but you have allowed me to see the possiblities of how a relationship built on true love can be. You two are my perfect couple and I just hope one day I can experience the love you two share. But truly thank you! Also Hannah, Bailey, Amanda, and everybody else. You are all amazing and I love you all very very very much! I have the greatest friends in the WORLD!! xoxoxo!