(no subject)
So I got in one of those moods where I think too much.
Where I over process things until it I find some way for it to hurt me.
Where I just think it over repeatedly until I have pin pointed every single aspect.
And basically, that's where I always get down to nothing.
So I decided today, Why not write in your livejournal like the true emo kid you are?
And here I am.
Let's start off here.
My mind likes to wander a little too much.
At first, I thought about my family.
Have my parents been ok lately? Is my mother still saddened? Will Grandpa get remarried at 88? Will my sister ever get married? Will I get married? How is my parents' marriage? Does my dad know of what happened? Will my mom ever tell him?
And that's where it triggered other people. Like the boys. My boyfriend.
Are they positive about it? Will he cheat on me? How would I feel if he did? Would I cry as much as I did when my mother was? Couldn't he just get rid of me? Cause I mean, he could say in a second "it's over." Does he want to get rid of me? Am I good enough for him? Look at him. He's too gorgeous to like me. Is that even possible? am I being used? Cause that's happened enough already. What does he think of us?
A friend of mine told me that he said we were just friends.
Should I be worried? Does he not like me anymore? Am I possibly doing something wrong?
And then I realized, I worry too much in the back of my mind.
I've just been abused too much.
Mentally. Physically.
I am one truly messed up child.
What would my sister think if she saw this?
We share basically everything.
She is more like my ideal mother, but in a sister.
I remember I used to spend the weekend at her dorm at U of C before mother's day and we would go out shopping for flowers and people would tell her "Happy mother's day!" and she heard it so much that she would just say "Thanks!"
But seriously, what would she think?
I share this thing with a select few people and strangers, but not my own sister?
I randomly recall going to the psychiatrist when I was little.
The Nuns made my parents send me to one.
I would say "oh my god" infront of them. I didn't know it wasn't allowed.
I remember being attacked by Ginger, that evil dog.
Falling into Shock for a day.
Walking up 3 months later to my dog dying next to my head thanks to that evil thing.
Mrs. What's-her-face came in handy then.
And then I just stopped seeing her.
This has truly become a pointless entry about my random memories and thought process.
Friday night.
Can someone tell me what happened friday night?
I remember being picked up in a weed filled car with Conor, Dave, Wes, and my love.
I remember going to dave's and watching him down 4 beers while The other three fought over food.
I remember Dave not letting me grab cheese nips and picking me up and laying me down on the couch.
I remember him laying on top of me, and me rolling off the couch and running downstairs.
I remember five kids showed up, two of which to my surprise were the boys we got in an accident with.
Langer's party.
Dancing to techno with Adri in Conor's car.
Finding Crosby in the bathroom and randomly being hugged.
Crosby talking to me while she pissed to make sure she wasn't alone.
Leaving the party to two cars. Sitting. Listening.
Going outside with Mike and Ashley.
drawing a blank...
I remember shane crosby for some reason.
Me laying next to brendan.
Waking up at 12:02 the next day.
Can you tell me what happened?
I have a cold.
If I die tomorrow, you know why.
And if I do die, Matt Fazendin's dying with me.
He's my best friend.
Not my lover.
Best friend.
Finals tomorrow. I did not study once. I will fail miserably.
Too bad.
I have to return something.
I will be going shopping with Jessie tomorrow after finals, hopefully.
Friday, there's no school. I hope to hang out with someone who's name starts with a B.
I am going to go now because I have two kittens asleep on my lap and shoulder and the dog at my feet.
Boy, they make me feel loved more than any of you people.
I'm going to go pass out now.
Goodbye All.
Where I over process things until it I find some way for it to hurt me.
Where I just think it over repeatedly until I have pin pointed every single aspect.
And basically, that's where I always get down to nothing.
So I decided today, Why not write in your livejournal like the true emo kid you are?
And here I am.
Let's start off here.
My mind likes to wander a little too much.
At first, I thought about my family.
Have my parents been ok lately? Is my mother still saddened? Will Grandpa get remarried at 88? Will my sister ever get married? Will I get married? How is my parents' marriage? Does my dad know of what happened? Will my mom ever tell him?
And that's where it triggered other people. Like the boys. My boyfriend.
Are they positive about it? Will he cheat on me? How would I feel if he did? Would I cry as much as I did when my mother was? Couldn't he just get rid of me? Cause I mean, he could say in a second "it's over." Does he want to get rid of me? Am I good enough for him? Look at him. He's too gorgeous to like me. Is that even possible? am I being used? Cause that's happened enough already. What does he think of us?
A friend of mine told me that he said we were just friends.
Should I be worried? Does he not like me anymore? Am I possibly doing something wrong?
And then I realized, I worry too much in the back of my mind.
I've just been abused too much.
Mentally. Physically.
I am one truly messed up child.
What would my sister think if she saw this?
We share basically everything.
She is more like my ideal mother, but in a sister.
I remember I used to spend the weekend at her dorm at U of C before mother's day and we would go out shopping for flowers and people would tell her "Happy mother's day!" and she heard it so much that she would just say "Thanks!"
But seriously, what would she think?
I share this thing with a select few people and strangers, but not my own sister?
I randomly recall going to the psychiatrist when I was little.
The Nuns made my parents send me to one.
I would say "oh my god" infront of them. I didn't know it wasn't allowed.
I remember being attacked by Ginger, that evil dog.
Falling into Shock for a day.
Walking up 3 months later to my dog dying next to my head thanks to that evil thing.
Mrs. What's-her-face came in handy then.
And then I just stopped seeing her.
This has truly become a pointless entry about my random memories and thought process.
Friday night.
Can someone tell me what happened friday night?
I remember being picked up in a weed filled car with Conor, Dave, Wes, and my love.
I remember going to dave's and watching him down 4 beers while The other three fought over food.
I remember Dave not letting me grab cheese nips and picking me up and laying me down on the couch.
I remember him laying on top of me, and me rolling off the couch and running downstairs.
I remember five kids showed up, two of which to my surprise were the boys we got in an accident with.
Langer's party.
Dancing to techno with Adri in Conor's car.
Finding Crosby in the bathroom and randomly being hugged.
Crosby talking to me while she pissed to make sure she wasn't alone.
Leaving the party to two cars. Sitting. Listening.
Going outside with Mike and Ashley.
drawing a blank...
I remember shane crosby for some reason.
Me laying next to brendan.
Waking up at 12:02 the next day.
Can you tell me what happened?
I have a cold.
If I die tomorrow, you know why.
And if I do die, Matt Fazendin's dying with me.
He's my best friend.
Not my lover.
Best friend.
Finals tomorrow. I did not study once. I will fail miserably.
Too bad.
I have to return something.
I will be going shopping with Jessie tomorrow after finals, hopefully.
Friday, there's no school. I hope to hang out with someone who's name starts with a B.
I am going to go now because I have two kittens asleep on my lap and shoulder and the dog at my feet.
Boy, they make me feel loved more than any of you people.
I'm going to go pass out now.
Goodbye All.