(no subject)
I miss the way things used to be. I miss logging in to MSN and I miss typing up a proper LiveJournal every or every other day. I miss having conversations with people on msn in to the late hours of the night.
I have discovered I am not blocked and can see limited posts from a journal of someone who I fucked over entirely. I think that is worse than being blocked because I can see a post from a day which still means a lot to me. A day where the stars were given to me in a gesture of a countryside escape.
At uni I went through a shit time and it got quite bad, I assume it was classed as depression but it took so long for uni to get me a session with a counsellor that by that time it seemed pointless. To be fair, those sessions were pointless. I still can’t believe that man got paid there to sit and not actually provide support, not emotional but even outside support like… oh maybe you should see a doctor or here is a pamphlet. He just sat there and I sat awkwardly back. Pointless.
While that was probably the worst point I’ve been through, that has not really gone away. To be fair I went through massively shit times at secondary and college too (who didn’t I know.) But I think that was the biggest hit, living with 3 slobs who were beyond my comprehension.
But that has never really left me since. Since that hit, then going on a gap year which yes I loved but in the end cost me more than it should have. I remember walking in Banff on a mountain forest trail and thinking I could disappear here.
That thought has not really gone anywhere. I still often think I just can’t be bothered. I genuinely would not care less if I died tomorrow because what is the point in having a life where I am going to die alone. I mean I can’t have a functioning relationship, I’ve tried and fucked them up. My last one I went through the starters of a physical thing and felt nothing but awkward. I mean having a partner who was super sensitive and then having my body feel literally nothing with their touch is just beyond.
I don’t want to die alone.. But I can’t really see anyone wanting to live with me forever, I am a shit friend at the end of the day and also most people now days aren’t in the non-sexual field of things either. I had a guy at work tell me it was a phase and I just need to meet the right person. That was fun.
I’m not going to jump in front of a car or pop some pills, and it’s not even a cry for help because I can walk to the doctors if I need to get proper support unlike what uni provided. But I go through these things quite a lot and I get out of them by getting on with day to day life. I’ve seen what suicide does to families so I wouldn’t do that but it doesn’t stop me feeling that I just don’t want to live long in this pointless life either.
I wish I could go back to when you could log on and have friends online to chat to, but we’re all grown adults now and that is the problem isn’t it. We all work different hours, we have adult issues to deal with, like rent and bills and actual responsibilities. But I do miss how easy it was to be social. Now days it feels like a task. You can send a text but you don’t get a reply back until hours later due to *seeabove* which is fair enough but… it is sad isn’t it, because it’s no longer conversation. MSN you’d be online and have a reply straight away. It may not have been face to face but it was still there. Texts are just scattered half conversations, the same as facebook posts and twitter posts. It’s not fully functioning. I miss those times.
I miss before I fucked up mine and other peoples lives.. I hate nostalgia. What makes a person think its good to try and look up a person from the past. Stupid.
Another negative rant for the walls of a dead journal once full of life. I miss reading about peoples lives.
I have discovered I am not blocked and can see limited posts from a journal of someone who I fucked over entirely. I think that is worse than being blocked because I can see a post from a day which still means a lot to me. A day where the stars were given to me in a gesture of a countryside escape.
At uni I went through a shit time and it got quite bad, I assume it was classed as depression but it took so long for uni to get me a session with a counsellor that by that time it seemed pointless. To be fair, those sessions were pointless. I still can’t believe that man got paid there to sit and not actually provide support, not emotional but even outside support like… oh maybe you should see a doctor or here is a pamphlet. He just sat there and I sat awkwardly back. Pointless.
While that was probably the worst point I’ve been through, that has not really gone away. To be fair I went through massively shit times at secondary and college too (who didn’t I know.) But I think that was the biggest hit, living with 3 slobs who were beyond my comprehension.
But that has never really left me since. Since that hit, then going on a gap year which yes I loved but in the end cost me more than it should have. I remember walking in Banff on a mountain forest trail and thinking I could disappear here.
That thought has not really gone anywhere. I still often think I just can’t be bothered. I genuinely would not care less if I died tomorrow because what is the point in having a life where I am going to die alone. I mean I can’t have a functioning relationship, I’ve tried and fucked them up. My last one I went through the starters of a physical thing and felt nothing but awkward. I mean having a partner who was super sensitive and then having my body feel literally nothing with their touch is just beyond.
I don’t want to die alone.. But I can’t really see anyone wanting to live with me forever, I am a shit friend at the end of the day and also most people now days aren’t in the non-sexual field of things either. I had a guy at work tell me it was a phase and I just need to meet the right person. That was fun.
I’m not going to jump in front of a car or pop some pills, and it’s not even a cry for help because I can walk to the doctors if I need to get proper support unlike what uni provided. But I go through these things quite a lot and I get out of them by getting on with day to day life. I’ve seen what suicide does to families so I wouldn’t do that but it doesn’t stop me feeling that I just don’t want to live long in this pointless life either.
I wish I could go back to when you could log on and have friends online to chat to, but we’re all grown adults now and that is the problem isn’t it. We all work different hours, we have adult issues to deal with, like rent and bills and actual responsibilities. But I do miss how easy it was to be social. Now days it feels like a task. You can send a text but you don’t get a reply back until hours later due to *seeabove* which is fair enough but… it is sad isn’t it, because it’s no longer conversation. MSN you’d be online and have a reply straight away. It may not have been face to face but it was still there. Texts are just scattered half conversations, the same as facebook posts and twitter posts. It’s not fully functioning. I miss those times.
I miss before I fucked up mine and other peoples lives.. I hate nostalgia. What makes a person think its good to try and look up a person from the past. Stupid.
Another negative rant for the walls of a dead journal once full of life. I miss reading about peoples lives.