(no subject)
So yesterday was my birthday! I worked from open till 6...I got to work & no one at first said nething to me about my birthday! Juie told everyone not to say nethin to me, to let me think that they forgot because I have been making such a huge deal outta it now for a while...So Im standing in the office & no one's saying nething to me...then Blanca comes bak upstairs & shakes me and goes HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Julie was like awwwwwwww Blanca u werent supposse to say nething! lol...Then Jules tried playing it off like she didn't make me my fruit pizza! ( not really pizza - just the name)...But she cracked and showed me it! Then she gave me my presesnt! She got me a card and a bunch of lil things for when I sleep over her house...Its a joke - dun wanna get into it rite now! So the rest of the day at work was good. Tara - Me & Julie were together for most of the day..Tara got me saying home slice so thats what we call eachother now! Tara gave me a cute lil card...I loved Julies hard...it was so nice and cute! Savannah came down to visit wit me! I left work aroun 6 && then went to Amies....They surprised me with an icecream cake and a card with money! It was so cute! She hid the cake in her hamper so I wouldnt see it in the fridge! lol...Then I went bak to work because I was going out for chinese food & drinks with Julie & Tony! We ended up going to Hoy Toy becuz Yong Shings was closed! We got 3 scorporion bowls the one's where u can get em foh 3 ppl! So technically we has 6 bowls between the 3 of us...Julie was gone the most! I got told I am an awesome drunk! I was quit proud! lol...We then went bak to Tony's to sober up Julie a lil bit before me and her had to drive out to Charlton for a much needed sleep! For some reason I started to get upset! I think I was coming down from my drunkeness and they were still cacked so they were bothering me...Tony fucking picked me up and put me over his shoulder and ran around the house with me...I was freaking out! Then Julie and me snuggled on the couch for a lil bonding session becuz I was upset & we watched some Smallville. She could tell I was upset so she decided it was time for us to leave and on the ride home to Charlton we talked...she basically lectured me on things and told me things that so many other people have told me...I cried in front of her becuz my mother pissed me off so much yesterday and I couldnt handle it...she was bein a bitch to me on my birthday and it upset me. But then what else is new? I wasn't really venting last nite I dunno why because I really needed too! I just couldn't get myself to talk about it! I just wanted so bad to ball my eyes out and just yell about everything thats bothering me but I can't! I can't get myself to be able to talk to neone about it and I think that's really making everything even worse! I wish so bad that I had a best friend who I could call up and say hey look I need you, I need to talk and they drop everything for me and just come to listen...But I dont have that! I dont have a best friend and that kills me! I mean I have a best friend thats a guy but I want one thats a girl. And I don't! I use to but not nemore! Julie was getting aggravated with me a lil because I was bein quite and wouldnt really talk and we all know I can talk more than neone and I wasn't talking at all...so everyone knows when that happens that somethings wrong & as much as I wanted to talk about it last night I couldn't...Im scared to open up to people - to let them in and to be vulernable...I hate getting close to people because Im scared that Im going to loose them in some way or another...She told me she doesnt know how I got to be so strong but that I am...and that there are so many people around me that are not my family, that care about me so much and that love me and would do anything for me! It's funny yanno, my family are the people who Im supposse to be able to depend on the most and to be there for me no matter what, who are supposse to support me the most and love me the most but their not! I find more of those things in other people before I do in my own family. But it's hard - I can push my family away when I start to feel like Im not keeping my guard up, and they come back because they have to...but with other people it's like when I start to feel threatended like ok I love this person in some way or another and I feel like Im putting my guard down I start to push them away and they don't have to come back...some of them do and others don't! I wish I didn't have to be like this, but I am! I wanted so hard to explain this all to Jules last nite but I couldn't....How you can tell someone that you love and who loves you back that your afraid to love them, to let them in, and to trust them? No matter who it is, whether it be a family member, a friend, a boyfriend or girlfriend or just a friend - how do you do that?