why?????
the past couple of days have been bad, but last night was the worst yet. I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried....I think what little sleep I did get I was crying too. ...
just thoughts of my dad...nothing eloquent, just thoughts. ..I thought about the speech I gave at the memorial. I thought about times when i was younger. I thought recent times, and I thought about the accent he had.
I thought about how he died, I thought about when he went through. ...not that typing all this shit out helps any.
Yesterday I looked through pictures of him and my grandmother....just a day of sadness...and today I'm drained. Really fucking drained.
I see a grief counselor on Thursday. first of six sessions. I dont know how i'm going to make it through work until then....Everyday at work I have on this mask, this smile...people i dont even know (since i'm in a new department and had only been there a day before dad died) come by and say "oh how was your vaction?" or "are you feeling better, you were gone for a couple of days"...I feel like says "really I had no clue I had been gone, thanks for keeps tabs on me"
or "I did not go on vacation, my dad died, thanks."....but instead I politely say "oh thank you, my father passed away on the 28th, but thank you", smile slightly and tilt my head, like i have on a freaking top hat or something. When all I want to do is YELL and CRY and SOB at the top of my lungs...
but I just smile. and feel like I have the largest boulder on my shoulders, then when I get home I drop that bitch...and am exhausted. emotional drained, but i cant let anything out, because i dont want to upset Russell, he has a stressful job as it is with out having to worry about me...so it just stays bottled. and I just get more depressed...
just thoughts of my dad...nothing eloquent, just thoughts. ..I thought about the speech I gave at the memorial. I thought about times when i was younger. I thought recent times, and I thought about the accent he had.
I thought about how he died, I thought about when he went through. ...not that typing all this shit out helps any.
Yesterday I looked through pictures of him and my grandmother....just a day of sadness...and today I'm drained. Really fucking drained.
I see a grief counselor on Thursday. first of six sessions. I dont know how i'm going to make it through work until then....Everyday at work I have on this mask, this smile...people i dont even know (since i'm in a new department and had only been there a day before dad died) come by and say "oh how was your vaction?" or "are you feeling better, you were gone for a couple of days"...I feel like says "really I had no clue I had been gone, thanks for keeps tabs on me"
or "I did not go on vacation, my dad died, thanks."....but instead I politely say "oh thank you, my father passed away on the 28th, but thank you", smile slightly and tilt my head, like i have on a freaking top hat or something. When all I want to do is YELL and CRY and SOB at the top of my lungs...
but I just smile. and feel like I have the largest boulder on my shoulders, then when I get home I drop that bitch...and am exhausted. emotional drained, but i cant let anything out, because i dont want to upset Russell, he has a stressful job as it is with out having to worry about me...so it just stays bottled. and I just get more depressed...