stupid stupid girl
All the time I'm thinking about you, wondering what it would be like if we meet again. What if I ran from this place, from this mess I've put myself in and just ran? Ran back to where I belong, ran back to you. What if I started over as I so often do? Would I be happier, would my kids be better in the long run? Could I really abandon the son I've known since his birth from a woman I can't stand? Would I find a man that would support me and be there for my children? Would it be you?
I don't know why I'm writing about him, but seriously I do want to go back to NC to be closer to my sisters and brothers and my mom. I miss my family. I really just want to get out of here to start over. It's not like P gives me any support. I've be trying to do this CNA thing but I have to get approved for WIA ( type of finical aid) cause I have no money and he can't even watch the kids long enough for me to go take the test I have to do to get approved for it. How will I even be able to go to the class even though it is only three weeks he can't even give me that so I can make our lives better. Because I am tired of worrying about how we are gonna make it to the next month and as of right now we are well on our way to having the power shut off in Oct. I'm tired of having to hound him to give me some money from his messily unemployment to pay the bills. He works on cars on the side and has been buying and selling them but he isn't really trying to get a job right now. And it's like I am trying to do something and he's like you can do something else it's not that easy. Geese thanks of your support. I mean at least I am trying to do something to make our lives better and instead of spending all my time on the fucking computer or running around or spending time with my knocked up supposedly ex girl friend.
Which is where he is now with his mom and lil brother so they’re all playing house with my kids while I am left here alone. How can you be surrounded by people and feel so alone? even when he is here he only pay attention to me when he wants some and then wonders why I really just want him to leave me the fuck alone when he tries to pick and play with me.
NEWS FLASH. I am not your baby sister, here to watch the kids all day while you around all day so you can decide to pay me some fucking attention at 12:30 at night after you picked up your ex from work and it only takes thirty min to drive there and back and she got off at ten and I am supposed to believe that’s all your doing. Yea fucking right. Wanna know why I'm a bitch to you? Cause I don't trust you and I think her baby might be yours fucker. Not to mention you only pay attention to the kids when they do something wrong because you’re not paying attention to them.
He always buys me stuff and two days ago he cooked which he hasn’t done in a lone time, he only does shit like that when he knows I’m pissed, does he not realize that one if he can buy me shit and tell me to get my nails done then he can use that money to pay some fuckin bills and besides buying someone shit is nice who doesn’t like presents but it won’t make the issues go away.
I this point I just want taxes to come and to have a car that fucking works so I can go to my mom’s because even though I don’t want to put that burden on her I know she will watch my kids long enough for me to do what I want and to get myself on my feet and with tax money I would have something to start with. But I feel bad because I don't want to take my kids from their dad and I don't want to leave Nate and I feel like I would be abandoning him cause his mom and P don't do shit for him. I take care of him, I make sure he has medicate I take him to the doctor, I do everything but I couldn't take him with me cause he’s not mine, well not biologically or legally anyway or I so would cause I think I could do better for him than the two of them and what pisses me off is that it's not that they can't they just don't . P just acts like it's all just gonna magically work it's self out, not if you don’t do anything , nothing happens or changes without a little action.
All I gotta say is if that baby is his I'm so gone if we even make it that long. Januarys not that long I can do it. I have to like I said right now I don’t have a car because p sold my van to his mom and my car still doesn’t work even though he said he'd have it fixed last week.
Not to mention him mom and brother are staying with us two weeks now and all I want is for them to get out of my house. I like his mom and she actually helps me around the house and with the kids unlike p but she over steps her boundaries and doesn’t listen to me and keeps messing with the kids at bed time instead of leaving them along like I have politely told her to so now I am having trouble with them at bed time. And I know it’s more of a me thin then her but I a getting really tired of her taking nevaeh from me (my daughter) and taking over. with her around I don't get any time with my kids and now while she is gone down there during the weekend what does he do but take them with him so I still get no time without other people I know she’s trying to be helpful which is more than I can say for him but they are my kids and this is my house respect my boundaries.
I'm pissed at his brother cause I took them in basically had no choice P just told me they were coming and it was like ok thanks for talkin to me about it. But his brother told fia (nates mom) that I popped ante and she went all crazy bitch. Thank god I blocked her from my phone but of course she told priest and he told me about it and I was like wtf first off why the fuck is ur mom ever around her? Two what am I suppose to do let the boy do whatever he wants I was like why the hell is your brother starting shit and I have let him come in my home and had to put up with him not respecting my wishes when he comes to my kids and I can’t even watch TV cause he sleep on my couch and has to go to bed at 9:30 for school which he doesn’t even do he stay up watching my TV all freaken night and takes 45 min baths constant running my water and it’s like dude I’m a chick it takes me like 10-15 to take a shower wtf not to mention that p mom is constantly on my cell she’s so gonna run our minutes up.
I don’t want take my kids form their dad and I don’t want to leave Nate but really I expect better than this from myself and for my kids and I know I can do better I just need to get the fuck away from here.
Someone fucking rescue me or something.
I am a stupid stupid girl for putting up with this shit.
I don't know why I'm writing about him, but seriously I do want to go back to NC to be closer to my sisters and brothers and my mom. I miss my family. I really just want to get out of here to start over. It's not like P gives me any support. I've be trying to do this CNA thing but I have to get approved for WIA ( type of finical aid) cause I have no money and he can't even watch the kids long enough for me to go take the test I have to do to get approved for it. How will I even be able to go to the class even though it is only three weeks he can't even give me that so I can make our lives better. Because I am tired of worrying about how we are gonna make it to the next month and as of right now we are well on our way to having the power shut off in Oct. I'm tired of having to hound him to give me some money from his messily unemployment to pay the bills. He works on cars on the side and has been buying and selling them but he isn't really trying to get a job right now. And it's like I am trying to do something and he's like you can do something else it's not that easy. Geese thanks of your support. I mean at least I am trying to do something to make our lives better and instead of spending all my time on the fucking computer or running around or spending time with my knocked up supposedly ex girl friend.
Which is where he is now with his mom and lil brother so they’re all playing house with my kids while I am left here alone. How can you be surrounded by people and feel so alone? even when he is here he only pay attention to me when he wants some and then wonders why I really just want him to leave me the fuck alone when he tries to pick and play with me.
NEWS FLASH. I am not your baby sister, here to watch the kids all day while you around all day so you can decide to pay me some fucking attention at 12:30 at night after you picked up your ex from work and it only takes thirty min to drive there and back and she got off at ten and I am supposed to believe that’s all your doing. Yea fucking right. Wanna know why I'm a bitch to you? Cause I don't trust you and I think her baby might be yours fucker. Not to mention you only pay attention to the kids when they do something wrong because you’re not paying attention to them.
He always buys me stuff and two days ago he cooked which he hasn’t done in a lone time, he only does shit like that when he knows I’m pissed, does he not realize that one if he can buy me shit and tell me to get my nails done then he can use that money to pay some fuckin bills and besides buying someone shit is nice who doesn’t like presents but it won’t make the issues go away.
I this point I just want taxes to come and to have a car that fucking works so I can go to my mom’s because even though I don’t want to put that burden on her I know she will watch my kids long enough for me to do what I want and to get myself on my feet and with tax money I would have something to start with. But I feel bad because I don't want to take my kids from their dad and I don't want to leave Nate and I feel like I would be abandoning him cause his mom and P don't do shit for him. I take care of him, I make sure he has medicate I take him to the doctor, I do everything but I couldn't take him with me cause he’s not mine, well not biologically or legally anyway or I so would cause I think I could do better for him than the two of them and what pisses me off is that it's not that they can't they just don't . P just acts like it's all just gonna magically work it's self out, not if you don’t do anything , nothing happens or changes without a little action.
All I gotta say is if that baby is his I'm so gone if we even make it that long. Januarys not that long I can do it. I have to like I said right now I don’t have a car because p sold my van to his mom and my car still doesn’t work even though he said he'd have it fixed last week.
Not to mention him mom and brother are staying with us two weeks now and all I want is for them to get out of my house. I like his mom and she actually helps me around the house and with the kids unlike p but she over steps her boundaries and doesn’t listen to me and keeps messing with the kids at bed time instead of leaving them along like I have politely told her to so now I am having trouble with them at bed time. And I know it’s more of a me thin then her but I a getting really tired of her taking nevaeh from me (my daughter) and taking over. with her around I don't get any time with my kids and now while she is gone down there during the weekend what does he do but take them with him so I still get no time without other people I know she’s trying to be helpful which is more than I can say for him but they are my kids and this is my house respect my boundaries.
I'm pissed at his brother cause I took them in basically had no choice P just told me they were coming and it was like ok thanks for talkin to me about it. But his brother told fia (nates mom) that I popped ante and she went all crazy bitch. Thank god I blocked her from my phone but of course she told priest and he told me about it and I was like wtf first off why the fuck is ur mom ever around her? Two what am I suppose to do let the boy do whatever he wants I was like why the hell is your brother starting shit and I have let him come in my home and had to put up with him not respecting my wishes when he comes to my kids and I can’t even watch TV cause he sleep on my couch and has to go to bed at 9:30 for school which he doesn’t even do he stay up watching my TV all freaken night and takes 45 min baths constant running my water and it’s like dude I’m a chick it takes me like 10-15 to take a shower wtf not to mention that p mom is constantly on my cell she’s so gonna run our minutes up.
I don’t want take my kids form their dad and I don’t want to leave Nate but really I expect better than this from myself and for my kids and I know I can do better I just need to get the fuck away from here.
Someone fucking rescue me or something.
I am a stupid stupid girl for putting up with this shit.