losing all control now
well here i am in study hall. im tired as heck. i told myself that i was going to go right home after cheerleading yesterday and go to bed. of course tho, bright decided not to go to his football dinner so he was free and he wanted to get started on our 'tec community' so he invited me to go to P.O. Pears with brett hulewicz and this other guy from lincoln high whose name i have been forgetting alllll morning (lol) and then billz was there too!!! :) it was really fun just talkin with other christians and i mean, we didnt get into any deep talks, it woulda been tough with all of the loud music going on or wutever but yea.. just chiling and not cussing. idk it was just fullfilling. tonite im going to a tec bible study with lotz of tec ppl. billea is coming home from school with me and then me her alisyn brennan bright and probly brett and some other guys are going out to eat b4 bible study. i asked amy to go but she was going to the volleyball game. i dont get it b/c she seemed upset that she didnt get to come to PO pears last nite but she was the one who wanted to go to the volleyball game and then i did ask her today and she said that she already had plans yet she still seems upset that she's being left out or sumthin. if she really wanted, she could come without question.
i feel bad for her having to deal with a relationship that doesnt totally glorify God. and i nko taht she wants that more than anything for her and scotty. and not b/c she's being selfish or wutever u guys are going to argue but b/c she loves scott and wants him to love God and feel the wonder of God and how amazing it is to be truly lifted up and freed from the burdens of ur past. but while i feel bad, at the same time... it's not all there is to life. i gues that billea was trying to talk to her the other day about sumthin pretty significant and amy was just focusing on scott. it seems like while she wants to have a christian relationshp with him it's like, her feelings for him get in the way. i think he gets int he way of her focusin fully on God. i kno b/c ive been there and many times ive tried to glorify God in my relationships and failed miserably b/c we both werent into it. it's necesary to keep each other accountable and everything like that.
last nite bright was trying to get really close to me or wutever but i stopped it with just little kisses i wouldnt even let it get to making out. let me tell u, i wanted so badly to just give in and have sum fun but i knew that jesus was watching and i just didnt want to be the reason for any more of jesus' pain. i love him too much and ive crucified him enuf times in my life. i kno that im gonna continue to mess up but it doesnt have to be so willingly as it has been in the past. im focused on one point and that's my life in Heaven with God. it's awesome.
yesterday i was driving home from school and i almost hit a racoon. i just started bawling then it was like the breakin point. alllll day id just been so emotional and just noticing things that ppl would say or do... of left un said or un done and it just bothered me where like b4 it wouldnt have even fazed me. but i just prayed to God and i asked him for the strength to avoid situations in which i would want to be sinful and i asked him how ppl CANT see? and i aws just like, why do i have to be surrounded by all of this? it's just so hard to want to go bak to my life that i had b4 tec now that ive felt the wonder of truly knowing God. me and brigth prayed last nite b4 getting off the phone and on sunday nite we prayed together. we talked a lot last nite about our boundaries actually. he thanked me for being strong and saying no. i made sure that he knew that sumtimes he's gonna hafta be the one to say no and to not depend on me all the time for it. i am weak too as i am human and im a sinner. but im trying... and so is he... and together we will have something that ive never ben able to have with someone else and it's going to amazing.
anyway.... im tired. haha i think i already said taht. im listening to my new thousand foot krutch CD. it's awesome. thank u brennan twins for burniing me this and FM static. o yea, that's another thing... the music i listened to b4 TEC... i cant believe i could just sit there and sing the lyrics and i wasnt fazed at all by wut the words were saying. last nite i took out one CD to put in another one that bright had brougth along for the drive to PO pears and holiday inn was on the radio and i was just like... wow.... i SANG to that! it's so weird how one weekend with God can totally change ur outlook on EVERYTHING.
o yea, i got voted for cheerleading co-captain yesterday. its an honor but as a result of that i have to give up my responsibility of spiritual leader. that's sad but i got to lead the squad in one last closin prayer last nite and i almost cried. i cried to when my table leader from tec sent me an email... marcus said today then that he read it and he didtn find it moving at all but i think i was just really feeling the blues ysterday. i feel better now tho that i spent time with tec ppl last nite and tha ti nko that i will tonite too. i just feel God in my life unlike anything ive ever felt b4 but hey, im out.
lataz <3
i feel bad for her having to deal with a relationship that doesnt totally glorify God. and i nko taht she wants that more than anything for her and scotty. and not b/c she's being selfish or wutever u guys are going to argue but b/c she loves scott and wants him to love God and feel the wonder of God and how amazing it is to be truly lifted up and freed from the burdens of ur past. but while i feel bad, at the same time... it's not all there is to life. i gues that billea was trying to talk to her the other day about sumthin pretty significant and amy was just focusing on scott. it seems like while she wants to have a christian relationshp with him it's like, her feelings for him get in the way. i think he gets int he way of her focusin fully on God. i kno b/c ive been there and many times ive tried to glorify God in my relationships and failed miserably b/c we both werent into it. it's necesary to keep each other accountable and everything like that.
last nite bright was trying to get really close to me or wutever but i stopped it with just little kisses i wouldnt even let it get to making out. let me tell u, i wanted so badly to just give in and have sum fun but i knew that jesus was watching and i just didnt want to be the reason for any more of jesus' pain. i love him too much and ive crucified him enuf times in my life. i kno that im gonna continue to mess up but it doesnt have to be so willingly as it has been in the past. im focused on one point and that's my life in Heaven with God. it's awesome.
yesterday i was driving home from school and i almost hit a racoon. i just started bawling then it was like the breakin point. alllll day id just been so emotional and just noticing things that ppl would say or do... of left un said or un done and it just bothered me where like b4 it wouldnt have even fazed me. but i just prayed to God and i asked him for the strength to avoid situations in which i would want to be sinful and i asked him how ppl CANT see? and i aws just like, why do i have to be surrounded by all of this? it's just so hard to want to go bak to my life that i had b4 tec now that ive felt the wonder of truly knowing God. me and brigth prayed last nite b4 getting off the phone and on sunday nite we prayed together. we talked a lot last nite about our boundaries actually. he thanked me for being strong and saying no. i made sure that he knew that sumtimes he's gonna hafta be the one to say no and to not depend on me all the time for it. i am weak too as i am human and im a sinner. but im trying... and so is he... and together we will have something that ive never ben able to have with someone else and it's going to amazing.
anyway.... im tired. haha i think i already said taht. im listening to my new thousand foot krutch CD. it's awesome. thank u brennan twins for burniing me this and FM static. o yea, that's another thing... the music i listened to b4 TEC... i cant believe i could just sit there and sing the lyrics and i wasnt fazed at all by wut the words were saying. last nite i took out one CD to put in another one that bright had brougth along for the drive to PO pears and holiday inn was on the radio and i was just like... wow.... i SANG to that! it's so weird how one weekend with God can totally change ur outlook on EVERYTHING.
o yea, i got voted for cheerleading co-captain yesterday. its an honor but as a result of that i have to give up my responsibility of spiritual leader. that's sad but i got to lead the squad in one last closin prayer last nite and i almost cried. i cried to when my table leader from tec sent me an email... marcus said today then that he read it and he didtn find it moving at all but i think i was just really feeling the blues ysterday. i feel better now tho that i spent time with tec ppl last nite and tha ti nko that i will tonite too. i just feel God in my life unlike anything ive ever felt b4 but hey, im out.
lataz <3