endless questions.
wow. i remember vividly the feeling of clicking on the word "post"; especially when my heart was heavy or i had a lot to say. its an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach, and i feel like my fingers don't move as fast to type, as my brain moves to think...
i am a mother.
i am a daughter.
i am a sister.
i am a friend.
i am a partner in someone's life.
i am a grand-daughter, a niece, a cousin.
i am a preschool teacher.
i am so many different "roles" to so many different people. i constantly feel like i'm not good enough. my heart isnt big enough for everyone. i am constantly questioning what i'm doing, and "what will he think?" or, "is this what she wants me to do?"
i am always doubting my abilities as a mother. am i showing him enough love?; does he eat enough?; why is he walking like that?; is he talking enough, or should he be saying more?; do i set aside enough time to play with him? i know i should "punish" that behavior, but its not THAT big of a deal, is it?"
ive also been questioning my relationship. and i know that every relationship is different, and i know that when youre with someone for 4 years, "magic" is lost. we've been through hell and back together. sickness, creating a beautiful baby boy, laughter, death, financial problems, loss, troubled friendships, family arguments. i can't imagine getting through some of the horrifying events ive experienced without him.
everytime i look at my perfect son, and he laughs, i think of hector, and everything makes sense again. i am lucas' mom, and hector is lucas' dad, and we are perfect together because he is perfect, right? am i trying to FORCE myself to remain with hector without really being IN LOVE? or have we been together for so long, and know each other so well, that we are just going through a phase of distance in our relationship? i know that i love him, and will always love him because he is the first, dare i say, "normal" relationship i've ever had; and because he is the father of my child. is it just easier to stay together because its been SO MUCH WORK AND EFFORT to get where we are today, that we can't imagine beginning again with someone new? or do we have that everlasting and undying love that withstands these "phases" and grows and matures as time goes on?
i'm not sure. i have no idea about anything anymore. i dont know what i want. i dont know what i want to be, besides a wonderful mother to lucas. that takes priority. but i need direction and purpose. theres nothing worse than people who "pretend" to have it all together when they are SO FAR from that. i'm a mess. i am still paying for a bachelor's degree that i dont really even want to use, but i dont really know what i'd want to choose in lieu of that path. but now that i have a child, the most important thing is to provide for him. the natural choice is to move down south to virginia, live with my aunt while i job hunt (in her rent-free enormous house, free babysitters, and free food and utilities), and raise my son in a perfectly suburban virginia town, a half hour from washington dc and all the amenities a large city can offer a young person! im terrified of this because im afraid that hector doesnt REALLY want to go, although i think he would...but im scared that he would always resent me for "forcing him" to go. i'm also horrified by the idea of raising lucas without his grandparents nearby. i want him to feel a sense of close knit family, because i never really felt that as a child...especially given the rift in my dad's side after my grandma died.
im babbling. i really am. i think i would be a lot better at WRITING a journal of thoughts rather than type one. im a fast typer, but i cant type as fast as i think.
i guess i just needed to get all this out.
i am a mother.
i am a daughter.
i am a sister.
i am a friend.
i am a partner in someone's life.
i am a grand-daughter, a niece, a cousin.
i am a preschool teacher.
i am so many different "roles" to so many different people. i constantly feel like i'm not good enough. my heart isnt big enough for everyone. i am constantly questioning what i'm doing, and "what will he think?" or, "is this what she wants me to do?"
i am always doubting my abilities as a mother. am i showing him enough love?; does he eat enough?; why is he walking like that?; is he talking enough, or should he be saying more?; do i set aside enough time to play with him? i know i should "punish" that behavior, but its not THAT big of a deal, is it?"
ive also been questioning my relationship. and i know that every relationship is different, and i know that when youre with someone for 4 years, "magic" is lost. we've been through hell and back together. sickness, creating a beautiful baby boy, laughter, death, financial problems, loss, troubled friendships, family arguments. i can't imagine getting through some of the horrifying events ive experienced without him.
everytime i look at my perfect son, and he laughs, i think of hector, and everything makes sense again. i am lucas' mom, and hector is lucas' dad, and we are perfect together because he is perfect, right? am i trying to FORCE myself to remain with hector without really being IN LOVE? or have we been together for so long, and know each other so well, that we are just going through a phase of distance in our relationship? i know that i love him, and will always love him because he is the first, dare i say, "normal" relationship i've ever had; and because he is the father of my child. is it just easier to stay together because its been SO MUCH WORK AND EFFORT to get where we are today, that we can't imagine beginning again with someone new? or do we have that everlasting and undying love that withstands these "phases" and grows and matures as time goes on?
i'm not sure. i have no idea about anything anymore. i dont know what i want. i dont know what i want to be, besides a wonderful mother to lucas. that takes priority. but i need direction and purpose. theres nothing worse than people who "pretend" to have it all together when they are SO FAR from that. i'm a mess. i am still paying for a bachelor's degree that i dont really even want to use, but i dont really know what i'd want to choose in lieu of that path. but now that i have a child, the most important thing is to provide for him. the natural choice is to move down south to virginia, live with my aunt while i job hunt (in her rent-free enormous house, free babysitters, and free food and utilities), and raise my son in a perfectly suburban virginia town, a half hour from washington dc and all the amenities a large city can offer a young person! im terrified of this because im afraid that hector doesnt REALLY want to go, although i think he would...but im scared that he would always resent me for "forcing him" to go. i'm also horrified by the idea of raising lucas without his grandparents nearby. i want him to feel a sense of close knit family, because i never really felt that as a child...especially given the rift in my dad's side after my grandma died.
im babbling. i really am. i think i would be a lot better at WRITING a journal of thoughts rather than type one. im a fast typer, but i cant type as fast as i think.
i guess i just needed to get all this out.