Daddy, Brother, Lover, Little boy
Heh. I started to write a journal entry about how hurt I am that I've been shelved again. Funny thing is that as I got going, I realized I'm not hurt.
I don't have a relationship with Steve. We're not even friends. We just fuck.
Why do I say that? How could I not say that? He goes out of his way to make me feel unwanted the next morning. "Ah, could you leave soon? I have to call my friend back. She really needs to talk about something." "Oh, ah, I have some things to do today. What time are you going?" Phone messages I leave, text messages I send, nothing is returned or responded to unless fucking is hoped for....
Whats my favorite color? He can't remember. It's one of his, and he can't remember. When's my birthday? He used it as an excuse to fuck four Sundays ago, but he can't remember. Who's Joe? Boyfriend, brother, pet? He doesn't care as long as it doesn't interrupt his fuck...
Called me to come get him from the strip club the other night. Why? I have no clue. He wouldn't tell me. It was so out of the norm for him to ask me to do that. I'm still confused about that one...
I can't have a long term relationship with someone who doesn't trust me. It makes me mad to be punished for someone else's stupidity. I don't cheat. I tell everyone involved who is involved. I even tell about my flirtations. I would never "accidentally" get pregnant.
By the same token, I expect my partner to be as honest with me as I am with them. I can't have a relationship with someone who refuses to talk to me.
Heh. He thought I couldn't decide for myself that it wouldn't work. He didn't realize that I already knew nothing would come of our fucking unless some things changed in a massively huge way. I refuse to have any more one sided relationships. I want to be as needed as I need him. Like in the song, "Daddy, Brother, Lover, Little Boy." I want it all because that's what I'm prepared to give.
So, I'm going back into "wait and see" mode. I'll have sex again when he's ready or when I find another clean man to fuck or when I find my "Daddy, Brother, Lover, Little Boy," whichever comes first.
If you're a red hot fire cracker
I will light you fuse
If you cry like a little girl
I'll dry your baby blues
When you need a man of action
I'm ready to make my move
Like a shotgun shot, Johnny on the spot
There's nothing I can't do
Everything you're looking for
You can find in me
I'll be anything you want
Anyone you need
I'll be your Daddy, your brother, your lover and your little boy
When your body needs salvation
I'll be you tender touch
I'll take all the love you give me
And give you twice as much
When we get undercover
And do the horizontal mile
I'm in the mood to answer to your call of the wild
Everything you're looking for
You can find in me
I'll be anything you want
Anyone you need
Everything you're looking for
Anything that you want and more
I'll be your Daddy, your brother, your lover and your little boy