Pebbles and Rocks... Maybe I need more sand...
Isn't it funny how the traits you admire most in people come back to bite you in the ass?
Dependability (predictability), honesty, stability (immobility), constancy (stubborn), strength, etc...
I told a man the other day that there was always more to me than I've ever shown anyone. I've become an expert at the art of distraction. I show people what they expect to see so that I don't have to deal with the conflict or ridicule I would get if I really showed what I was feeling. My facade looks like a strong, independent woman who can give and take with the best of them. I mentioned that it was a facade, right?
I've been pretending. I never wanted to go to college. I went because it was expected. I graduated 4th in my high school class of 400. I had some of the highest scores on every aptitude test ever given. "What a waste of a good mind" was not a lecture I wanted to hear. So, I went.
What I really wanted, even then, was a man who could provide stability for me. I wanted to know my future was safe and secure. What I found was a man not ready to take on that responsibility. So, I assumed the role of "taking care of everything." He resented me for it. I resented him for "making me do it." I didn't want to be the leader. I wanted to be the partner. I wanted help in making decisions that affected our family. I wanted to be able to say "it's your call" and know that he was going to make a decision that was beneficial to all of us, not just him. I wanted to know that my future with him was secure. Ummm.... well... you know "the rest of the story."
After him, I rolled around a little lost for a few years. What did I do wrong? What could I have changed to make that one work? Which part of my facade needed readjusting? We know the answers to all of those questions is the same. "Nothing"
Then, I found someone with a similar background story to mine. Maybe he would see past the fact that my controlling attitude was just a facade. Maybe he would take charge and let me float along beside him. Nope. It wasn't to be. He was better, but not quite what I was looking to find. I still felt too insecure about letting him make decisions that were going to benefit the future. I felt insecure about his love for me. I was afraid to fight with him because I was afraid he'd change his mind about loving me. Once again, you know "the rest of the story."
Now, here I am. I've rattled around in my brain and my family. I've looked behind my facade a few times in an attempt to change the face I present to the world. I've made and changed "my rules" of what I want in my next relationship in an attempt to attract this next man. I've tried confessing half of what I want in an attempt to make him see me as a desirable mate. I've tried to reassure him about my son and future children. I've tried everything. Why?
Because, I found a man who was "in control" of his last relationship. He has no idea how excited I was to hear that. I found someone who I feel is stubborn enough to fight with me without allowing the fight to get out of hand. I found someone who has been taught how to make decisions that affect the future correctly. One who will follow through on his decisions without regret even if they take longer than expected. Someone who could have been the rock I've been looking to find. LOL. And he's decided that he doesn't want me. It seems he could see through my facade all along.
So, to recap, I don't want to go back to college. If I go back, it will only be to finish what I started because I am so close to a degree. I'm tired of finding pebbles. I need a new rock. I am not as strong as I pretend. I don't want to be the leader in anything, not even at work, I just want things to go "right". I want my future to be safe and happy. I want to be able to participate in the games without worrying that something will go wrong while I'm not looking. I need someone whose expectations aren't a guessing game. Someone who will follow through. Someone I don't have to mother. Someone who I don't have to worry will love me today but not tomorrow.
If I could find all of that bundled into a man who was over 6'2" and had blue or green eyes and a slender build, I'd be in heaven. LOL. I laugh because the average male height in Arizona is 5'10".
Well, back to weed pulling before I get evicted for improper yard care...
Dependability (predictability), honesty, stability (immobility), constancy (stubborn), strength, etc...
I told a man the other day that there was always more to me than I've ever shown anyone. I've become an expert at the art of distraction. I show people what they expect to see so that I don't have to deal with the conflict or ridicule I would get if I really showed what I was feeling. My facade looks like a strong, independent woman who can give and take with the best of them. I mentioned that it was a facade, right?
I've been pretending. I never wanted to go to college. I went because it was expected. I graduated 4th in my high school class of 400. I had some of the highest scores on every aptitude test ever given. "What a waste of a good mind" was not a lecture I wanted to hear. So, I went.
What I really wanted, even then, was a man who could provide stability for me. I wanted to know my future was safe and secure. What I found was a man not ready to take on that responsibility. So, I assumed the role of "taking care of everything." He resented me for it. I resented him for "making me do it." I didn't want to be the leader. I wanted to be the partner. I wanted help in making decisions that affected our family. I wanted to be able to say "it's your call" and know that he was going to make a decision that was beneficial to all of us, not just him. I wanted to know that my future with him was secure. Ummm.... well... you know "the rest of the story."
After him, I rolled around a little lost for a few years. What did I do wrong? What could I have changed to make that one work? Which part of my facade needed readjusting? We know the answers to all of those questions is the same. "Nothing"
Then, I found someone with a similar background story to mine. Maybe he would see past the fact that my controlling attitude was just a facade. Maybe he would take charge and let me float along beside him. Nope. It wasn't to be. He was better, but not quite what I was looking to find. I still felt too insecure about letting him make decisions that were going to benefit the future. I felt insecure about his love for me. I was afraid to fight with him because I was afraid he'd change his mind about loving me. Once again, you know "the rest of the story."
Now, here I am. I've rattled around in my brain and my family. I've looked behind my facade a few times in an attempt to change the face I present to the world. I've made and changed "my rules" of what I want in my next relationship in an attempt to attract this next man. I've tried confessing half of what I want in an attempt to make him see me as a desirable mate. I've tried to reassure him about my son and future children. I've tried everything. Why?
Because, I found a man who was "in control" of his last relationship. He has no idea how excited I was to hear that. I found someone who I feel is stubborn enough to fight with me without allowing the fight to get out of hand. I found someone who has been taught how to make decisions that affect the future correctly. One who will follow through on his decisions without regret even if they take longer than expected. Someone who could have been the rock I've been looking to find. LOL. And he's decided that he doesn't want me. It seems he could see through my facade all along.
So, to recap, I don't want to go back to college. If I go back, it will only be to finish what I started because I am so close to a degree. I'm tired of finding pebbles. I need a new rock. I am not as strong as I pretend. I don't want to be the leader in anything, not even at work, I just want things to go "right". I want my future to be safe and happy. I want to be able to participate in the games without worrying that something will go wrong while I'm not looking. I need someone whose expectations aren't a guessing game. Someone who will follow through. Someone I don't have to mother. Someone who I don't have to worry will love me today but not tomorrow.
If I could find all of that bundled into a man who was over 6'2" and had blue or green eyes and a slender build, I'd be in heaven. LOL. I laugh because the average male height in Arizona is 5'10".
Well, back to weed pulling before I get evicted for improper yard care...