The future: what does it hold?
I woke up today thinking about the future. I'm not really surprised considering that topic is never far from the forefront of my thoughts. More and more I am coming to understand that the future is based largely on what I make of it. What I put in now will determine where I go later. This isn't a new realization by any means, but I think I have to start taking this idea seriously. I need to do my research and be unafraid to ask questions. I need to be willing to show my less than stellar performances in the past (and there are many), and own up to them, and show people that I have grown and changed.
These last years have been a maturation process. I will not attack school with the same attitude I had before I left it nearly four years ago. I've come to see the folly in many of my decisions and I do not plan to repeat them.
I think I would like to study abroad...I can hear one of dad's jokes ringing in my ears as I type that... I want to go to a German-speaking country. But, I'd also like to learn Italian and visit Italy. And Hungarian would amazing, though difficult, I should think. Russian would be interesting, and of course Hindi would be great. Am I cut out to be the world traveler type? Could I do something like my brother does? I know I would not be competitive in the least right now. The State Department would laugh and laugh and laugh some more. I can accept that. So what? I was young and stupid and I made mistakes. Relationships and other things were more important to me. I had not found what I was truly passionate about.
Or maybe I had. I've been away from anthropology and I am getting a little nervous to get back to it. I feel nervous about being so close to the end of my degree...Once I finish it...then what? I think that is part of why I just left in the middle of senior year and got married. I could excuse slinging coffee or working in a warehouse if I didn't have a degree...I couldn't bear the idea if I had actually graduated. I suppose that was really stupid and vain. Andy graduated and worked at a golf course renting out bicycles for a year and a half. Andy! You'd have thought he'd be snapped up ages before he even graduated! But, he didn't panic and quit school or do anything stupid like that. He put his head down, did the work, and found a menial job while looking for other options. He scrimped and saved and practiced Chinese every day. And now look at him. Now that is an example I need to follow.
It really is a rather shocking revelation to make about yourself, when you realize that a lot of your decisions (or lack of decisions--paralysis?) were made because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough. And those decisions, a lot of the time, led me straight to feeling like I wasn't good enough. I've not been so inclined to consider what I think--more what mom and dad, or potential employers, or Andy might think. I live in fear of being told "no". And the funny thing is, the longer I wait to make something of myself, the more I fear I'll be told I wasn't making anything of myself when these other people "x" and "y" have been plugging away since the day they were born...they've worked hard and put in the committed time...
Once again...comparing myself. Why do I do that? There are a lot of people out there who have a rough start or make worse decisions than me. And they get over being paralyzed, they stop judging themselves, they say "fuck it" or "why not me?" and they go for it and make something of themselves. And people celebrate that. They feel happy and proud for those screw ups who turned it around.
Am I really that elitist and snobby? That I feel I never should have become one of those screw ups? Given the circumstances I was born into--all of the options, chances, support, love, monetary backing--damn straight--I should NOT have been someone that went so off course.
But then, that raises another question: What course is it I think I am meant to be on, anyway? There is no set path, no particular way people go about doing things. Why do I hold myself to this imaginary standard? I will never succeed since I hold myself to a standard that doesn't even exist.
Blast. I am so tired of always thinking and talking about myself. That's it. I am getting out and doing some volunteer work or something. I have to stop feeling so sorry for myself. Hamlet ends now.
These last years have been a maturation process. I will not attack school with the same attitude I had before I left it nearly four years ago. I've come to see the folly in many of my decisions and I do not plan to repeat them.
I think I would like to study abroad...I can hear one of dad's jokes ringing in my ears as I type that... I want to go to a German-speaking country. But, I'd also like to learn Italian and visit Italy. And Hungarian would amazing, though difficult, I should think. Russian would be interesting, and of course Hindi would be great. Am I cut out to be the world traveler type? Could I do something like my brother does? I know I would not be competitive in the least right now. The State Department would laugh and laugh and laugh some more. I can accept that. So what? I was young and stupid and I made mistakes. Relationships and other things were more important to me. I had not found what I was truly passionate about.
Or maybe I had. I've been away from anthropology and I am getting a little nervous to get back to it. I feel nervous about being so close to the end of my degree...Once I finish it...then what? I think that is part of why I just left in the middle of senior year and got married. I could excuse slinging coffee or working in a warehouse if I didn't have a degree...I couldn't bear the idea if I had actually graduated. I suppose that was really stupid and vain. Andy graduated and worked at a golf course renting out bicycles for a year and a half. Andy! You'd have thought he'd be snapped up ages before he even graduated! But, he didn't panic and quit school or do anything stupid like that. He put his head down, did the work, and found a menial job while looking for other options. He scrimped and saved and practiced Chinese every day. And now look at him. Now that is an example I need to follow.
It really is a rather shocking revelation to make about yourself, when you realize that a lot of your decisions (or lack of decisions--paralysis?) were made because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough. And those decisions, a lot of the time, led me straight to feeling like I wasn't good enough. I've not been so inclined to consider what I think--more what mom and dad, or potential employers, or Andy might think. I live in fear of being told "no". And the funny thing is, the longer I wait to make something of myself, the more I fear I'll be told I wasn't making anything of myself when these other people "x" and "y" have been plugging away since the day they were born...they've worked hard and put in the committed time...
Once again...comparing myself. Why do I do that? There are a lot of people out there who have a rough start or make worse decisions than me. And they get over being paralyzed, they stop judging themselves, they say "fuck it" or "why not me?" and they go for it and make something of themselves. And people celebrate that. They feel happy and proud for those screw ups who turned it around.
Am I really that elitist and snobby? That I feel I never should have become one of those screw ups? Given the circumstances I was born into--all of the options, chances, support, love, monetary backing--damn straight--I should NOT have been someone that went so off course.
But then, that raises another question: What course is it I think I am meant to be on, anyway? There is no set path, no particular way people go about doing things. Why do I hold myself to this imaginary standard? I will never succeed since I hold myself to a standard that doesn't even exist.
Blast. I am so tired of always thinking and talking about myself. That's it. I am getting out and doing some volunteer work or something. I have to stop feeling so sorry for myself. Hamlet ends now.