Between a rock and a hard place...
Journal.. I just don't know what to do. Me and Kevin have saw each other every day for almost 3 weeks, and are basically together. He had me and him up on his myspace, and today I get on there and there's a pic of just him. His headline's waiting on a woman, and he basically acts single as hell. I don't deserve it. He doesn't deserve me. I am so good to him, and I want someone to be good right back. He hasn't really done anything else besides for that, but that was enough. It's bad enough he does pills, I'm just not that strong.
I have way too much to deal with when it comes to my family, which hate the fact he's on them. I just like being with someone, and really especially him and maybe I can't find anyone else since I'm such a hardened criminal these days. I used to be such the pimpette, and now... well hell that's gone all down the drain. I'm going to miss my Daddy so much, and I can't deal with Kevin having to go to jail or rehab, which one of the two is bound to happen eventually.
I need a support system, not another burden and my brain knows this. My heart's just too stupid to let it go. It really really feels like we're supposed to be together, and maybe we are but I shouldn't have to feel this way. I don't know why I'm always second best. To Michael it was always Montana his mom or a stupid job. To Aaron it was always Brittney then Samantha... and to Kevin I'm just second. I read a book about life being a juggling game. Work is a rubber ball, and it always bounces back. Friends Family Health and Integrity are glass balls that must not be dropped ever. Drugs are a rubber ball.. shouldn't ever even be a ball. Everything else is rubber or nonexistent in the grand scheme of life.
I wish I could just get the $ back that he owes me, and be done with it. I wish I never met the sob because I've not felt so vulnerable in a looooooong time. I hate it. Have i said I hate it? I've set myself up to get hurt, and knew it the whole time. I suck at life, I'm goin to fail my drug test, and my parents aren't coming to get me. I'm back in my rut that I had almost pulled myself out of.
I hate myself sometimes.
I have way too much to deal with when it comes to my family, which hate the fact he's on them. I just like being with someone, and really especially him and maybe I can't find anyone else since I'm such a hardened criminal these days. I used to be such the pimpette, and now... well hell that's gone all down the drain. I'm going to miss my Daddy so much, and I can't deal with Kevin having to go to jail or rehab, which one of the two is bound to happen eventually.
I need a support system, not another burden and my brain knows this. My heart's just too stupid to let it go. It really really feels like we're supposed to be together, and maybe we are but I shouldn't have to feel this way. I don't know why I'm always second best. To Michael it was always Montana his mom or a stupid job. To Aaron it was always Brittney then Samantha... and to Kevin I'm just second. I read a book about life being a juggling game. Work is a rubber ball, and it always bounces back. Friends Family Health and Integrity are glass balls that must not be dropped ever. Drugs are a rubber ball.. shouldn't ever even be a ball. Everything else is rubber or nonexistent in the grand scheme of life.
I wish I could just get the $ back that he owes me, and be done with it. I wish I never met the sob because I've not felt so vulnerable in a looooooong time. I hate it. Have i said I hate it? I've set myself up to get hurt, and knew it the whole time. I suck at life, I'm goin to fail my drug test, and my parents aren't coming to get me. I'm back in my rut that I had almost pulled myself out of.
I hate myself sometimes.