(no subject)
Some great news finally!
Not about me and Aaron. That situation is still up in the air.
However, someone at my work went out on disability (which makes me sad), but the bright side is that I can take two of her shifts, plus coming in early on Monday and Tuesday, and make more than enough money to stay here, keep the apartment that I love, and have some cushion. That would put me at about $2400 - $2700 (after taxes) each month, which about $600 - $900 more than I need for groceries, gas, car, insurance, credit cards, and rent all combined!
It means that in January, my schedule will look like this:
Monday: 6 - Overnight
Tuesday: 6 - Overnight
Wednesday: Off
Thursday: 1030P - Overnight
Friday: 1030P - Overnight
Saturday: 1030P - Overnight
Sunday: 2:30P - Overnight
It gives me plenty of Audra-time, and, if the time comes, time to work on the relationship---there is an okay to good amount of gap between our schedules. Of course, if things worked out, I wouldn't need to work quite so much, though it would probably be good to save up some money and as a just-in-case.
Relationship-wise, I am TRYING to prepare for the worst, but I am such an optimism-grabber... The thing is that the only difference in how he is acting towards me is not saying "I love you" or "Honey" and not kissing/etc. So it makes it harder! He is now calling it "taking time apart to think" which is great (well, obviously not great, but the good part is that in a matter of five dyas it went from being "100% sure we're broken up and this is what I want" to "taking time apart to think.") I've never done time apart, I don't know what I can do to speed up the process. I am hoping that this is just something we have to go through for him to finish growing up (because, really, he only started growing up recently) and realize that he isr ready for this and wants this.
Unfortunately for me, I am way too into that idea and it is so hard to accept that maybe that won't happen. Maybe time will make that part easier, because I can see maybe what sort of direction thigns are going? I just don't want to end up in some weird man's version of the "friend zone."
Also, I decided that I will be going to Aaron's family party. I will also be looking my absolute most gorgeous that I can possibly look and act as most charming as I possibly can to show his fellow guy friends and staff that implying or advising Aaron in any way that single-life is better or people-break-up-all-the-time is a negative, because Aaron will never get anyone as good as me. I love Aaron to death, he's my panda, but he is not exactly the type of guy that gets girls lined up around the block --- 26, still living at home, makes about $23,000/year before overtime, never finished college, and is unhealthily overweight (we were both going to start a diet at the same time post-Thanksgiving, I need to remind him to still get on it). You don't get to know all the charming, loving, fun, good sides of him until after you get past that other stuff, and I'd say that about 95% of the girls in the world have a hard time getting past that stuff.
Scholastically-wise, writer's block has struck on my paper and I just can't seem to get my thoughts out for it. I am not perfectly caught up on all my work, but I am not TOO-TOO far behind, thanks to Thanksgiving weekend. I really need to buckle down, but it's hard! My mind is in 800 different places at once right now. And none of them are on the classes that I hate, dislike, loathe, etc. I am not TOO worried, except for POL 216 and POL 330 because I may have to miss the review session & I'm not sure if she is handing out the tests in advance that date or not. I am going to go on Tuesday to the class hopefully and discuss it with her. This week is going to be hectic, with several MUST-ATTEND classes, so much schoolwork, trying to work enough to pay for rent in January (I have JUST enough hours thanks to the crappy fact that I have to go home for Christmas---going home isn't crappy, but losing 40 hours of work is!), trying to work things out with Aaron, and getting together stuff for graduation! I need to make out a week-long schedule, that should make me feel better!
Ergh, so I just called my mom to tell her that I wanted to stay and she just flipped out over everything--the fact that my apartment is month-to-month with no lease (which like 90% of the affordable apartments on Long Island are), the fact that I don't want to come home to live and save money, and the fact that "I'm staying in a place where the only reason I went was for a man that doesn't want to be with me anymore." Which A) Is not true, I wanted to come North -- or, at the VERY LEAST, AWAY FROM HOME since I was like 12. And B) with or without Aaron, I have other friends here. I have coworkers here. I have a job I love and that loves me. I can get NYS residency in order to go to the SBU School of Social Work. She expects me to move back in with her for the next seven months so I can "save every penny." But I would be MISERABLE. With or without Aaron, I'm not happy when I stay at home on vacations. I wasn't happy living there before I met Aaron---thus the wanting to move away from home aspect. She is always saying that I need to be grown up and independent and everything---I want to and she BLAH!
PLUS---what if I moved back home, only to discover that I have to take one more class for graduation because something or another didn't go through??? STONY BROOK LOVES TO DO THAT KIND OF STUFF! I'd have to move all the way back here, without my apartment, back into a dorm, hauling all my stuff around. Annoying as hell. I am FINALLY settled somewhere, can't I just be settled for a little while?
What really pisses me off is that she's like I can't support you when you're away from home. I don't expect her to support me. But if I was at home, she wouldn't mind paying for my car or my insurance (she even told me I wouldn't have to look for a job right away), she wouldn't mind paying for my food or gas, she wouldn't mind any of it. Now she is even going to take away the $200 that I have been getting from her for food and stuff every month for the past THREE YEARS, that she obviously doesn't NEED. I understand if she wants to take it away, but ONLY if I stay in New York? It's fucking bribery or blackmail or something and that is what pisses me off. I don't NEED her money---like I said, beginning in January, I'll be making more than enough... The month of January will be a little tight, but Aaron said that if I really really need help, he may be able to help me some since he kind of left me in the lurch (of course, my dream is that he would be moved back in by then, haha). But after that, I'd have extra. And if it came down to it, I could a) move out to a cheaper place or b) get some silly part-time grocery store job that would give me an extra $400 or so a month. Her blackmailing me just makes me want to stay here even more!
She also got mad that I don't tell her every single thing---like the apartment, I didn't tell her I was moving in until AFTER we moved my stuff. BUT THIS IS WHY I DO NOT TELL HER. I don't feel like dealing with the "disappointment" tone and the "well, it's your decision but you're making a sucky one that makes me really angry" and the whole practically "I'm going to cut you off!" thing.
Not about me and Aaron. That situation is still up in the air.
However, someone at my work went out on disability (which makes me sad), but the bright side is that I can take two of her shifts, plus coming in early on Monday and Tuesday, and make more than enough money to stay here, keep the apartment that I love, and have some cushion. That would put me at about $2400 - $2700 (after taxes) each month, which about $600 - $900 more than I need for groceries, gas, car, insurance, credit cards, and rent all combined!
It means that in January, my schedule will look like this:
Monday: 6 - Overnight
Tuesday: 6 - Overnight
Wednesday: Off
Thursday: 1030P - Overnight
Friday: 1030P - Overnight
Saturday: 1030P - Overnight
Sunday: 2:30P - Overnight
It gives me plenty of Audra-time, and, if the time comes, time to work on the relationship---there is an okay to good amount of gap between our schedules. Of course, if things worked out, I wouldn't need to work quite so much, though it would probably be good to save up some money and as a just-in-case.
Relationship-wise, I am TRYING to prepare for the worst, but I am such an optimism-grabber... The thing is that the only difference in how he is acting towards me is not saying "I love you" or "Honey" and not kissing/etc. So it makes it harder! He is now calling it "taking time apart to think" which is great (well, obviously not great, but the good part is that in a matter of five dyas it went from being "100% sure we're broken up and this is what I want" to "taking time apart to think.") I've never done time apart, I don't know what I can do to speed up the process. I am hoping that this is just something we have to go through for him to finish growing up (because, really, he only started growing up recently) and realize that he isr ready for this and wants this.
Unfortunately for me, I am way too into that idea and it is so hard to accept that maybe that won't happen. Maybe time will make that part easier, because I can see maybe what sort of direction thigns are going? I just don't want to end up in some weird man's version of the "friend zone."
Also, I decided that I will be going to Aaron's family party. I will also be looking my absolute most gorgeous that I can possibly look and act as most charming as I possibly can to show his fellow guy friends and staff that implying or advising Aaron in any way that single-life is better or people-break-up-all-the-time is a negative, because Aaron will never get anyone as good as me. I love Aaron to death, he's my panda, but he is not exactly the type of guy that gets girls lined up around the block --- 26, still living at home, makes about $23,000/year before overtime, never finished college, and is unhealthily overweight (we were both going to start a diet at the same time post-Thanksgiving, I need to remind him to still get on it). You don't get to know all the charming, loving, fun, good sides of him until after you get past that other stuff, and I'd say that about 95% of the girls in the world have a hard time getting past that stuff.
Scholastically-wise, writer's block has struck on my paper and I just can't seem to get my thoughts out for it. I am not perfectly caught up on all my work, but I am not TOO-TOO far behind, thanks to Thanksgiving weekend. I really need to buckle down, but it's hard! My mind is in 800 different places at once right now. And none of them are on the classes that I hate, dislike, loathe, etc. I am not TOO worried, except for POL 216 and POL 330 because I may have to miss the review session & I'm not sure if she is handing out the tests in advance that date or not. I am going to go on Tuesday to the class hopefully and discuss it with her. This week is going to be hectic, with several MUST-ATTEND classes, so much schoolwork, trying to work enough to pay for rent in January (I have JUST enough hours thanks to the crappy fact that I have to go home for Christmas---going home isn't crappy, but losing 40 hours of work is!), trying to work things out with Aaron, and getting together stuff for graduation! I need to make out a week-long schedule, that should make me feel better!
Ergh, so I just called my mom to tell her that I wanted to stay and she just flipped out over everything--the fact that my apartment is month-to-month with no lease (which like 90% of the affordable apartments on Long Island are), the fact that I don't want to come home to live and save money, and the fact that "I'm staying in a place where the only reason I went was for a man that doesn't want to be with me anymore." Which A) Is not true, I wanted to come North -- or, at the VERY LEAST, AWAY FROM HOME since I was like 12. And B) with or without Aaron, I have other friends here. I have coworkers here. I have a job I love and that loves me. I can get NYS residency in order to go to the SBU School of Social Work. She expects me to move back in with her for the next seven months so I can "save every penny." But I would be MISERABLE. With or without Aaron, I'm not happy when I stay at home on vacations. I wasn't happy living there before I met Aaron---thus the wanting to move away from home aspect. She is always saying that I need to be grown up and independent and everything---I want to and she BLAH!
PLUS---what if I moved back home, only to discover that I have to take one more class for graduation because something or another didn't go through??? STONY BROOK LOVES TO DO THAT KIND OF STUFF! I'd have to move all the way back here, without my apartment, back into a dorm, hauling all my stuff around. Annoying as hell. I am FINALLY settled somewhere, can't I just be settled for a little while?
What really pisses me off is that she's like I can't support you when you're away from home. I don't expect her to support me. But if I was at home, she wouldn't mind paying for my car or my insurance (she even told me I wouldn't have to look for a job right away), she wouldn't mind paying for my food or gas, she wouldn't mind any of it. Now she is even going to take away the $200 that I have been getting from her for food and stuff every month for the past THREE YEARS, that she obviously doesn't NEED. I understand if she wants to take it away, but ONLY if I stay in New York? It's fucking bribery or blackmail or something and that is what pisses me off. I don't NEED her money---like I said, beginning in January, I'll be making more than enough... The month of January will be a little tight, but Aaron said that if I really really need help, he may be able to help me some since he kind of left me in the lurch (of course, my dream is that he would be moved back in by then, haha). But after that, I'd have extra. And if it came down to it, I could a) move out to a cheaper place or b) get some silly part-time grocery store job that would give me an extra $400 or so a month. Her blackmailing me just makes me want to stay here even more!
She also got mad that I don't tell her every single thing---like the apartment, I didn't tell her I was moving in until AFTER we moved my stuff. BUT THIS IS WHY I DO NOT TELL HER. I don't feel like dealing with the "disappointment" tone and the "well, it's your decision but you're making a sucky one that makes me really angry" and the whole practically "I'm going to cut you off!" thing.