(no subject)
So I talked to Aaron for a really long time last night, with mucho crying, talking, arguing, yadda yadda yadda. No, we are not back together.
I think I finally figured out WHY we are not together though... From the things he was saying and not saying, I put a lot of pieces together and I think that there are a couple of things, all piled together into this "I don't feel it anymore." Let's examine them:
01) We haven't had any time for each other. I think he still expects it to feel like you do when you first fall in love. I explained that it can't feel like that for always, but that we can--and do/did---have something deeper, more meaningful. I also told him that if he is looking for that initial high, he is going to bounce from relationship to relationship, because it can never last.
02) I think that I pressured him into moving in together, getting engaged, sharing bills, all of those things in the past year before he was ready. Not that he did not want it, but that I should have been more patient. I think that after moving in together, it became real---hey, I'm really making this commitment, hey, this can be really scary.
03) He's been talking to an old flame/friend on the phone again. This ties into both 01 and 02. My psychoanalysis of the situation is that phone-relationships aren't real-relationships, and I have BEEN in a phone relationship with him for a year to know that what we had on the phone was great but different. I pointed out that I think he uses his phone and cyber relationships as an escape from real relationships. Phone relationships FEEL GOOD, because you don't have to deal with any of the nitty-gritty reality that you have to in a reality relationship. We never fought when we were just talking on the phone. It also is a way to avoid those commitments. It is obviously less scary, less hurtful, and more romantic... But also not as real or deep.
04) I admitted that I have taken him for granted in many situations, which has probably made this much of a commitment even scarier to him. When we fight, I let things escalate into a situation that is "life-or-death" which probably makes it harder to be ready to make such a commitment, when it seems like the girl you are committing to might throw you out at any minute.
However, I pointed out to him that I can work on that, since I realize it's a problem now, and that I also can work on being patient. That I can wait until he's ready to make those commitments, yadda yadda yadda.
So we are still broken up, but he promised to really sit and think about these things, to really soul-search, and not just blow it all off. He said it may take him some time, and I said, of course, I can be patient. I am not going to mope around waiting for you (which may be a lie, because right now, I just can't get over this, not yet, I'm trying, but it will be a long long time) He wants to be friends, and he has been my best friend in the whole world for three and a half years now, so I don't know what to do. There are several things that I am afraid of:
A) If I am friends with him, I will never get over him.
B) If I am not friends with him, I might lose touch with someone that was the most important person in my life for a long time.
C) If we are friends, he will never have a chance to realize how much he misses me.
D) If we aren't friends, he will never have a chance to realize how much he misses me.
Yes, C & D can be a fear at the same time. Because without being friends, his last memories of us are fighitng, not being around each other, and nothign to miss. With being friends, he can see that we ARE best friends, there IS sexual attractino, there is a level of feeling there, adn that is what you build a marriage/relationship out of.
That's what I don't understand, because even the things that he says, we have EVERYTHING that you can have when building a long-lasting relationship. However, I don't think he knows many of those. All he knows really are his parents, who are split up and painfully so. And stupid-Ashley, she's a stupid bitch, because she is using him and allowing him to be used instead of pointing out that she is using him and that he is throwing away a lot for it. But that's something he needs to realize, if he is going to realize it.
The thing though... His wanting to be friends. He is not acting THAT different. The only difference is not touching me. He wants to hang out "a few times a week" and invited me to his staff holiday party (WTF!) That's why it's so hard for me to believe that he 100% does not want ot be with anymore. It doesn't make sense. Fear of commitment and fear of hurt make more sense, from what I've seen in his eyes and his actions that he is taking.
I just want him to wake up from this and realize that wow, I'm throwing away so much, when I don't need to and don't want to. I just feel like deep down, there's no way this is how things are supposed to end. From the moment I first talked to him, I felt this tingle, this special feeling, this emotion, something that I've NEVER felt with any other relationship, ever, and I've had some serious ones before. It was like magic, like fate ringing a bell for bringing us together, and I just find it so hard to believe that this is how it is supposed to end.
Le sigh, le sigh, le sigh, le sigh. I don't know what to do. I wish I could shake him and shake him until he realizes everything. I'm trying my best not to call or text message and let him make all those first moves, because he'll realize what he's missing, I hope. I pray, I hope, I pray.
In the meantime, I have to try to start moving on, but I just... I don't know. I don't want to become Ross & Rachel, each getting to a point of dating someone else, only to realize that's not what they really want, but they don't THINK they want to be together, only to realize SIX YEARS LATER, that they belong together. I don't want that to happen. It's impossible for me to think of anyone else being the right fish for me, and it might just be the recency of the break-up, or it might just be the fact that it's true... I don't know.
I think I finally figured out WHY we are not together though... From the things he was saying and not saying, I put a lot of pieces together and I think that there are a couple of things, all piled together into this "I don't feel it anymore." Let's examine them:
01) We haven't had any time for each other. I think he still expects it to feel like you do when you first fall in love. I explained that it can't feel like that for always, but that we can--and do/did---have something deeper, more meaningful. I also told him that if he is looking for that initial high, he is going to bounce from relationship to relationship, because it can never last.
02) I think that I pressured him into moving in together, getting engaged, sharing bills, all of those things in the past year before he was ready. Not that he did not want it, but that I should have been more patient. I think that after moving in together, it became real---hey, I'm really making this commitment, hey, this can be really scary.
03) He's been talking to an old flame/friend on the phone again. This ties into both 01 and 02. My psychoanalysis of the situation is that phone-relationships aren't real-relationships, and I have BEEN in a phone relationship with him for a year to know that what we had on the phone was great but different. I pointed out that I think he uses his phone and cyber relationships as an escape from real relationships. Phone relationships FEEL GOOD, because you don't have to deal with any of the nitty-gritty reality that you have to in a reality relationship. We never fought when we were just talking on the phone. It also is a way to avoid those commitments. It is obviously less scary, less hurtful, and more romantic... But also not as real or deep.
04) I admitted that I have taken him for granted in many situations, which has probably made this much of a commitment even scarier to him. When we fight, I let things escalate into a situation that is "life-or-death" which probably makes it harder to be ready to make such a commitment, when it seems like the girl you are committing to might throw you out at any minute.
However, I pointed out to him that I can work on that, since I realize it's a problem now, and that I also can work on being patient. That I can wait until he's ready to make those commitments, yadda yadda yadda.
So we are still broken up, but he promised to really sit and think about these things, to really soul-search, and not just blow it all off. He said it may take him some time, and I said, of course, I can be patient. I am not going to mope around waiting for you (which may be a lie, because right now, I just can't get over this, not yet, I'm trying, but it will be a long long time) He wants to be friends, and he has been my best friend in the whole world for three and a half years now, so I don't know what to do. There are several things that I am afraid of:
A) If I am friends with him, I will never get over him.
B) If I am not friends with him, I might lose touch with someone that was the most important person in my life for a long time.
C) If we are friends, he will never have a chance to realize how much he misses me.
D) If we aren't friends, he will never have a chance to realize how much he misses me.
Yes, C & D can be a fear at the same time. Because without being friends, his last memories of us are fighitng, not being around each other, and nothign to miss. With being friends, he can see that we ARE best friends, there IS sexual attractino, there is a level of feeling there, adn that is what you build a marriage/relationship out of.
That's what I don't understand, because even the things that he says, we have EVERYTHING that you can have when building a long-lasting relationship. However, I don't think he knows many of those. All he knows really are his parents, who are split up and painfully so. And stupid-Ashley, she's a stupid bitch, because she is using him and allowing him to be used instead of pointing out that she is using him and that he is throwing away a lot for it. But that's something he needs to realize, if he is going to realize it.
The thing though... His wanting to be friends. He is not acting THAT different. The only difference is not touching me. He wants to hang out "a few times a week" and invited me to his staff holiday party (WTF!) That's why it's so hard for me to believe that he 100% does not want ot be with anymore. It doesn't make sense. Fear of commitment and fear of hurt make more sense, from what I've seen in his eyes and his actions that he is taking.
I just want him to wake up from this and realize that wow, I'm throwing away so much, when I don't need to and don't want to. I just feel like deep down, there's no way this is how things are supposed to end. From the moment I first talked to him, I felt this tingle, this special feeling, this emotion, something that I've NEVER felt with any other relationship, ever, and I've had some serious ones before. It was like magic, like fate ringing a bell for bringing us together, and I just find it so hard to believe that this is how it is supposed to end.
Le sigh, le sigh, le sigh, le sigh. I don't know what to do. I wish I could shake him and shake him until he realizes everything. I'm trying my best not to call or text message and let him make all those first moves, because he'll realize what he's missing, I hope. I pray, I hope, I pray.
In the meantime, I have to try to start moving on, but I just... I don't know. I don't want to become Ross & Rachel, each getting to a point of dating someone else, only to realize that's not what they really want, but they don't THINK they want to be together, only to realize SIX YEARS LATER, that they belong together. I don't want that to happen. It's impossible for me to think of anyone else being the right fish for me, and it might just be the recency of the break-up, or it might just be the fact that it's true... I don't know.