Retreat in a Nutshell
Hmmm..so I just got back from Chapter Retreat like an hour ago. I had quite an interesting experience...not sure quite else how to describe it.
So I never really told anyone this (kept it all to myself and as usual tried to deal with it on my own), but I was really feeling like I wasn't a part of Alpha Xi. I felt kinda like I was constantly on the outside looking in, and that I just didn't belong. That's a pretty hard feeling to have. No one wants to feel as if they just don't fit in. I wasn't really going to talk to anyone about it...I really just considering dropping and letting it go. I'm not the kind of person that does well in really large groups. When I'm faced with that, I just freeze up and sit by myself in silence. While I might have something to say, I don't feel comfortable enough to say anything. Everyone keeps saying just go out there and introduce yourself and make yourself known..well that's just not that easy for me, and I don't think it's fair for people to assume that everyone is capable of doing that easily. BUT, one of my buddies (Brittany Miller) asked me how I was doing and feeling about the sorority. So, I decided to be honest with her and told her exactly how I felt. I actually ended up in tears at retreat last night while I was talking to her because I really felt like I just shouldn't have been there. Brittany did her best to comfort me and help me understand that everyone has felt like that at some point, and I am definitely not alone. Then, we did a Sisterhood Circle...Brittany encouraged me to share how I felt with the rest of the girls...so I did. It wasn't easy. I had to face a roomful of sisters & fellow new members, and share with them the fact that I felt like I didn't know whether or not this was the place for me. I immediately broke out in tears, feeling frustrated, alone, and embarrassed. I told everyone that I was having a REALLY hard time right now, and that I felt that I just didn't know if I belonged there. I explained that it cannot be assumed that everyone is comfortable with being thrown into a situation with a bunch of strangers and being forced to be automatically outgoing with them. That's just not my personality. Afterwards, MANY sisters told me that they were so proud of me for really sharing how I felt. Many of the girls said that it was very brave, and they wouldn't have been able to do it themselves. I had sisters pull me aside just to give me a little pep talk...provide words of comfort and support...put a smile on my face...and act genuinely interested in getting to know me. It felt great :) Although I definitely received many welcomes, much support, and a whole lot of Xi Love, I still am faced with a big decision: Do I Stay or Do I Go? I would really like to stay and put forth my best effort..but I also have to think about what's best for me. I want to try to make things work out and allow time to do its thing, but we all know that that can be really hard sometimes. I guess the best I can do is take things one day at a time, right?
And now I am going to take a nap because I am ridiculously tired considering I only got 4 hours of sleep last night.
So I never really told anyone this (kept it all to myself and as usual tried to deal with it on my own), but I was really feeling like I wasn't a part of Alpha Xi. I felt kinda like I was constantly on the outside looking in, and that I just didn't belong. That's a pretty hard feeling to have. No one wants to feel as if they just don't fit in. I wasn't really going to talk to anyone about it...I really just considering dropping and letting it go. I'm not the kind of person that does well in really large groups. When I'm faced with that, I just freeze up and sit by myself in silence. While I might have something to say, I don't feel comfortable enough to say anything. Everyone keeps saying just go out there and introduce yourself and make yourself known..well that's just not that easy for me, and I don't think it's fair for people to assume that everyone is capable of doing that easily. BUT, one of my buddies (Brittany Miller) asked me how I was doing and feeling about the sorority. So, I decided to be honest with her and told her exactly how I felt. I actually ended up in tears at retreat last night while I was talking to her because I really felt like I just shouldn't have been there. Brittany did her best to comfort me and help me understand that everyone has felt like that at some point, and I am definitely not alone. Then, we did a Sisterhood Circle...Brittany encouraged me to share how I felt with the rest of the girls...so I did. It wasn't easy. I had to face a roomful of sisters & fellow new members, and share with them the fact that I felt like I didn't know whether or not this was the place for me. I immediately broke out in tears, feeling frustrated, alone, and embarrassed. I told everyone that I was having a REALLY hard time right now, and that I felt that I just didn't know if I belonged there. I explained that it cannot be assumed that everyone is comfortable with being thrown into a situation with a bunch of strangers and being forced to be automatically outgoing with them. That's just not my personality. Afterwards, MANY sisters told me that they were so proud of me for really sharing how I felt. Many of the girls said that it was very brave, and they wouldn't have been able to do it themselves. I had sisters pull me aside just to give me a little pep talk...provide words of comfort and support...put a smile on my face...and act genuinely interested in getting to know me. It felt great :) Although I definitely received many welcomes, much support, and a whole lot of Xi Love, I still am faced with a big decision: Do I Stay or Do I Go? I would really like to stay and put forth my best effort..but I also have to think about what's best for me. I want to try to make things work out and allow time to do its thing, but we all know that that can be really hard sometimes. I guess the best I can do is take things one day at a time, right?
And now I am going to take a nap because I am ridiculously tired considering I only got 4 hours of sleep last night.