I just don't know anymore
Have you ever had a time when one day everything makes sense, and the next they don't? Well I've been having one of those days. Well, actually everyday since Friday. 3 years ago I was extremely hung over this guy. He meant the world to me and everything. He was extremely handsome, funny, he thought I was the most beautiful thing in the world (which I've never had, and still don't), and he said he was totally in love with me. Well, somehow we both ended up on the wrong track. I thought he wasn't really interested in me and he thought I wasn't really interested in him. We never actually broke up, we just sorta stopped talking. Well, I sign online Friday for maybe the second time in 2 1/2 weeks. I get into the usual chat room I go into, and he's there. The last time I spoke to him we didn't really end things on a good note. It was when Stephen and I first started dating and I told this guy (we'll call him fella and leave out his real name) I did have a bf. Before I could finish what I was saying he said he had to go. When I ask him if I'll ever get to talk to him again, he tells me only if it's by accident and left. I was heartbroken. It was like a thousand knives going through my heart. So when I saw Fella in chat I didn't say anything. After I exit the room and come back so that I can see more ppl, he sees me and was like OMG. After he expresses a happy hello for seeing me, he pm's me. I remind him of the last day we talked, cause he really didn't remember. I'm not gonna go into the story of why he didn't remember. And no it wasn't drugs or anything like that. He told me the reason why he told me that we shouldn't be talking was because it killed him inside when I said I had a bf. So, I finish what I wanted to tell him almost a year ago... which was... If he wanted to be with me... because I wanted to be with him... I'd leave Stephen for him. IT scared me then, and it scares me now too... because I've never done anything like that before. You know, break up with someone for someone else. Or thought of being with anyone else while I was with someone. Well, Saturday the chance came up to see Fella face to face for a few hrs. Being the slowbody I am, I called in sick @ work and I went. I had the time of my life. When I get out of Lisa's car (she went with me) he said I took his breath away. He said he remembered me being pretty, but not as beautiful as he said I was. When Stephen and I met. He said wow, I thought you were big, but not this big... then he went on saying... "I thought my dream girl would be 110, blonde hair, blue eyes, and 5'5/5'6." I remember thinking... "Well damn. What am I? The last resort?" I'm always having doubts about Stephen. Like, for example, After we're married he still wants me living with my dad till he gets back from Iraq. Which isn't gonna be till mid next year, but he's not leaving till Nov or Dec. We're supposed to get married in July. I'm sorry, but I have to be with the man I'm married to if he's in a situation that allows me to see him. Like him being in GA at the barracks till he gets shipped to Iraq. He says he just wants to save money instead of paying bills till he gets back in town. And I'm thinking, What!?! Damn I must not be that important. He'd choose saving money on bills vs living with me as his wife. I'm sorry I'm NOT living in a city if my husband's going to be living in another city on the other side of the damn state. We might as well be just dating till he gets back from Iraq. If that. I was talking to Fella about it and he says if I wanted to I could move in with him tomorrow if we were dating. The job market's a lot better up in Atl anyway. I'll be closer to a few of my friends as well. Granted it wont be the same as being with Lisa, Kim, Dayna, and Paul (and anyone else I forgot that I luv like crazy down here). But it's pretty bad to me... when my brother, Lisa, Dayna, and 3 other ppl who r close to me down here say I'm better off with Fella cause he'll be there for me. For example, I've talked to Fella everyday since Friday for hours and hours at a time, which is more then I've talked to Stephen in a month. It's getting to the point to where I just don't feel like me in front of Stephen. My happiness drive is starting to wear down and so is my sex drive. I've been thinking about it since the last time Stephen called me which was a week and 1/2 ago. Since then he's only left me 3-4 messages online. Those were only 1 sentence a piece. It's kinda like we don't have anything to say to each other anymore. Last time Stephen was down here all he wanted to do was say in the house. We were literally in the house 2-3 days without even going to the gas station. It was driving me absolutely crazy. Lisa had came over at one point and asked if we wanted to go to the park. Stephen said he wanted to stay home and play video games. I told him damn lets just go... u need fresh air anyway. The MF said if I wanted fresh air I'll go out back in the yard. I so wanted to hit him. Dad doesn't like me leaving Stephen at the house alone so I ended up having to stay cooped up in the house even longer. I was mad. Then he had the nerve to tell me an hr later he was bored and there was nothing to do. I was like WTF. We could be at the park right now waddling down the creek in some shorts and getting a tan or something. THEN he was supposed to work that sunday but didn't want to go. I yelled and pleaded with him to go. You just can't play around with the army like that. He can get me, him, and Dad in trouble. Especially since he was staying in Dad's home. I told him the army really wouldn't like it. And of course... nothing new... it goes in one ear and out the other. MY brother had to leave the house a few times cause he was tired of hearing me pleading and yelling at Stephen to go. I mean going into the army is like selling your soul to the devil. You can't fuck them over or they'll fuck you over 10-20 times more. Now he's not allowed to come see me for a month. And he's ok with that !!! I'm wondering if he's cheating on me himself and that's the real reason why he doesn't want me living there just yet. He's waiting till he gets rid of his little side thing. With fella, I know he loves me, and I don't doubt it. He always sounds happy when he talks to me. When I saw him Sat night, he couldn't stop smiling and he couldn't stop blushing. It was so cute. I've never been that happy being that close to Stephen. Stephen makes it seem like I'm a convience to him when I'm not. No one should ever feel like that. With fella, he makes it seem like there's no one more important to him then me. Like if I was hurting he would be right there to hold me. Stephen, if I was hurting right now he wouldn't know about it because he wont even give me a # to reach him @ right now. I have to wait for him to call me, if he even does! When he does call and I ask him where he's been and why hasn't he called... he says he's been too tired and he's been going straight to bed when he gets off work. I don't know if I believe it anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel like shit. What if I make the wrong choice? Is this the fork in the rd that determines the outcome of my entire life? Everything? What am I gonna do?