Lil' Miss Never's Guide to Shopping at H&M
I would like to pretend that I spend my free time engaged in high-minded pursuits, that given a three-day weekend I would finish that book about defending prisoners in Guantanamo Bay, or write that essay about why I would like to punch Naomi Wolf in the face, or finish the tailoring work on my Halloween costume. With three days in which I have had little to do besides going to aerials class, I ought to have enough free time to bring about world peace.
I did not bring about world peace. I went shopping. I didn't even buy anything of interest, unless you are interested in soap and socks. However, because I do not want to see my weekend go to waste, I present to you the sum of my hard-won wisdom:
LIL' MISS NEVER'S GUIDE TO SHOPPING AT H&M
Congratulations. You have entered H&M, cornucopia of cheap clothes. The good news is that the clothes are cheap. The bad news is that the clothes are cheap. If you are anything like me, you have purchased many things here that lurk in the back of your closet, unworn and unloved. With the help of this guide, you too can navigate this behemoth and emerge with clothes that you will actually wear and enjoy, instead of wondering why you own fifteen $20 synthetic cardigans.
1. Read the Tags - inside of every article of clothing is a little tag which lists the fibers the clothes are made of. You want to see nice, comforting, natural words like "cotton," "silk," and "wool." Natural fibers breathe. This is especially important if you are buying a piece of clothing that covers your armpits. A long-sleeved shirt made from synthetic material may seem like a good idea when you're getting dressed in the morning, but you will smell like a gym locker by lunchtime. For certain skirts and sufficiently loose pants, synthetics are acceptable, so long as nothing is rubbing up against them, which will cause the fabric to pill. In tight pants, this will result in an ass that looks like the boulder-strewn surface of Mars.
2. Mind the Fabric - if an article of clothing looks dirty and wrinkled in the store, it is not going to look any better once you get it home. If you are like me and you occasionally store your clothes in piles on your bedroom floor, you may wish to go with something a little easier to care for. This is also a good rule of thumb for distinguishing synthetics you may buy from terrifying 1970's polyester monstrosities you must avoid at all costs.
3. Do Not Buy Shoes - Just pretend they're not there. Shoes? What shoes? These are ugly shoes made of plastic that will fall apart immediately upon contact with pavement. You are better off walking on shards of broken glass.
4. Try Everything On Before You Buy It - I know that the line for the fitting room stretches all the way across the lingerie department. I know there are screaming children and disinterested and floor staff and, heaven help us, there may even be Christmas music, but do not buy anything you have not tried on. H&M sizes tend to run small. Take everything in the size that you normally wear and one size up, just in case. No one will be able to see the little number on the tag, but everyone will immediately see if you are wearing a pair of pants that are a size too small.
5. If It Does Not Fit, Put It Away - the road to hell is paved with unfinished sewing projects. If you can't quite button the top button, or you're going to have to take that skirt in at the waist, or that shirt would look better without sleeves, put it back. If you are like me, you are fundamentally lazy, and three quarters of these purchases will languish unworn. The only creatures that will ever love these clothes are your cats, who will express their affection by shedding copiously all over them.
6. The Accessory Loophole - it is acceptable to buy endless quantities of cheap, plastic accessories. Who cares of they're ugly? Who cares if you never wear them? There is room in your life for armload of shiny metal bangle bracelets. There may even be room in your life for safety orange tights. There is no room in your life for ugly pants.
Now you know all that I know. Just don't ask me about Naomi Wolf.
I did not bring about world peace. I went shopping. I didn't even buy anything of interest, unless you are interested in soap and socks. However, because I do not want to see my weekend go to waste, I present to you the sum of my hard-won wisdom:
LIL' MISS NEVER'S GUIDE TO SHOPPING AT H&M
Congratulations. You have entered H&M, cornucopia of cheap clothes. The good news is that the clothes are cheap. The bad news is that the clothes are cheap. If you are anything like me, you have purchased many things here that lurk in the back of your closet, unworn and unloved. With the help of this guide, you too can navigate this behemoth and emerge with clothes that you will actually wear and enjoy, instead of wondering why you own fifteen $20 synthetic cardigans.
1. Read the Tags - inside of every article of clothing is a little tag which lists the fibers the clothes are made of. You want to see nice, comforting, natural words like "cotton," "silk," and "wool." Natural fibers breathe. This is especially important if you are buying a piece of clothing that covers your armpits. A long-sleeved shirt made from synthetic material may seem like a good idea when you're getting dressed in the morning, but you will smell like a gym locker by lunchtime. For certain skirts and sufficiently loose pants, synthetics are acceptable, so long as nothing is rubbing up against them, which will cause the fabric to pill. In tight pants, this will result in an ass that looks like the boulder-strewn surface of Mars.
2. Mind the Fabric - if an article of clothing looks dirty and wrinkled in the store, it is not going to look any better once you get it home. If you are like me and you occasionally store your clothes in piles on your bedroom floor, you may wish to go with something a little easier to care for. This is also a good rule of thumb for distinguishing synthetics you may buy from terrifying 1970's polyester monstrosities you must avoid at all costs.
3. Do Not Buy Shoes - Just pretend they're not there. Shoes? What shoes? These are ugly shoes made of plastic that will fall apart immediately upon contact with pavement. You are better off walking on shards of broken glass.
4. Try Everything On Before You Buy It - I know that the line for the fitting room stretches all the way across the lingerie department. I know there are screaming children and disinterested and floor staff and, heaven help us, there may even be Christmas music, but do not buy anything you have not tried on. H&M sizes tend to run small. Take everything in the size that you normally wear and one size up, just in case. No one will be able to see the little number on the tag, but everyone will immediately see if you are wearing a pair of pants that are a size too small.
5. If It Does Not Fit, Put It Away - the road to hell is paved with unfinished sewing projects. If you can't quite button the top button, or you're going to have to take that skirt in at the waist, or that shirt would look better without sleeves, put it back. If you are like me, you are fundamentally lazy, and three quarters of these purchases will languish unworn. The only creatures that will ever love these clothes are your cats, who will express their affection by shedding copiously all over them.
6. The Accessory Loophole - it is acceptable to buy endless quantities of cheap, plastic accessories. Who cares of they're ugly? Who cares if you never wear them? There is room in your life for armload of shiny metal bangle bracelets. There may even be room in your life for safety orange tights. There is no room in your life for ugly pants.
Now you know all that I know. Just don't ask me about Naomi Wolf.