Stress Test
Everyone likes to think that they function well under stress, just like everyone thinks they're detail-oriented and hard-working, open-minded and like all kinds of music. I deal with stress by making lists. I enumerate. I schedule. Crossing things off of lists is one of my stupid quotidian pleasures.
This week, I have made a lot of lists. I have not been able to cross everything off of my lists. I know that I do not function well under stress because the thought of little uncrossed items on my lists, errands undone, meetings not kept, sends me into anxious palpitations. This is not the effortless Zen-like calm that allows one to overcome obstacles with grace and ease. This is, in fact, the opposite of Zen-like calm.
The list for Thursday read REHEARSAL 7:00. It was a longer list than that, but REHEARSAL was written in big letters, because REHEARSAL 7:00 was the big event for Thursday, September 19th. There are a dwindling number of REHEARSALS between Thursday, September 19th, and Friday, September 26th, when I am expected to climb on the aerial tissu in front of other people in a way that does not remind the audience of grade school ballet recital.
The gym where I practice my ridiculous and time-consuming hobby has a policy of canceling their scheduled classes if there are not at least three people signed up for them. Mindful that I am not signed up for the Thursday evening aerials class, I call the front desk in the morning to see if the class is still taking place. No, says, the woman on the phone, there is no one signed up for the class, but you will have to leave a message with the guy who teaches it - here is his voicemail number. I leave a message on the teacher's voicemail. When I do not hear from him by the afternoon, I leave another voicemail. When I have still not heard from him an hour before the class is scheduled to start, I call the front desk.
Never: Hi, I'm calling about your Thursday evening aerials class. Is there anyone signed up for it?
Front Desk: No.
Never: Can I just come in and rehearse during that time, then?
Front Desk: You can't come in to rehearse unless you are cleared for the Open Gym Program. The director of the program has to personally clear you.
Never: You mean J, who teaches the class which has been canceled?
Front Desk: Yes.
Never: Oh good, I know him. He knows me. So can I come in and rehearse tonight?
Front Desk: You can only use the gym during Open Gym Time. There's no Open Gym on Thursdays. The next one is on Saturday.
Never: But there was going to be a class today. The equipment is right there. The teacher is right there. I'm signed up. You have my money and all of the forms that say I will not sue you if I break my neck. Why, exactly, can't I come in today and rehearse?
Front Desk: There wouldn't be anyone to spot you.
Never: I don't need anyone to spot me! I don't need a teacher. I don't need a coach. I just need the tissu and a boom box for about an hour.
Front Desk: Open Gym isn't until Saturday and J has to clear you first.
Never: Can I speak to J?
Front Desk: J is teaching a class.
Never: ...
The next item on my list: lock self in office bathroom and cry.
This week, I have made a lot of lists. I have not been able to cross everything off of my lists. I know that I do not function well under stress because the thought of little uncrossed items on my lists, errands undone, meetings not kept, sends me into anxious palpitations. This is not the effortless Zen-like calm that allows one to overcome obstacles with grace and ease. This is, in fact, the opposite of Zen-like calm.
The list for Thursday read REHEARSAL 7:00. It was a longer list than that, but REHEARSAL was written in big letters, because REHEARSAL 7:00 was the big event for Thursday, September 19th. There are a dwindling number of REHEARSALS between Thursday, September 19th, and Friday, September 26th, when I am expected to climb on the aerial tissu in front of other people in a way that does not remind the audience of grade school ballet recital.
The gym where I practice my ridiculous and time-consuming hobby has a policy of canceling their scheduled classes if there are not at least three people signed up for them. Mindful that I am not signed up for the Thursday evening aerials class, I call the front desk in the morning to see if the class is still taking place. No, says, the woman on the phone, there is no one signed up for the class, but you will have to leave a message with the guy who teaches it - here is his voicemail number. I leave a message on the teacher's voicemail. When I do not hear from him by the afternoon, I leave another voicemail. When I have still not heard from him an hour before the class is scheduled to start, I call the front desk.
Never: Hi, I'm calling about your Thursday evening aerials class. Is there anyone signed up for it?
Front Desk: No.
Never: Can I just come in and rehearse during that time, then?
Front Desk: You can't come in to rehearse unless you are cleared for the Open Gym Program. The director of the program has to personally clear you.
Never: You mean J, who teaches the class which has been canceled?
Front Desk: Yes.
Never: Oh good, I know him. He knows me. So can I come in and rehearse tonight?
Front Desk: You can only use the gym during Open Gym Time. There's no Open Gym on Thursdays. The next one is on Saturday.
Never: But there was going to be a class today. The equipment is right there. The teacher is right there. I'm signed up. You have my money and all of the forms that say I will not sue you if I break my neck. Why, exactly, can't I come in today and rehearse?
Front Desk: There wouldn't be anyone to spot you.
Never: I don't need anyone to spot me! I don't need a teacher. I don't need a coach. I just need the tissu and a boom box for about an hour.
Front Desk: Open Gym isn't until Saturday and J has to clear you first.
Never: Can I speak to J?
Front Desk: J is teaching a class.
Never: ...
The next item on my list: lock self in office bathroom and cry.