A Night of Debachery?!?...you tell me
I walked into my apartment after a long and dreary weekend. It was in no way a bad weekend I enjoyed being with my parents and seeing a friend I hadn’t seen for about a year but my heart aches with the possibilities of what this past weekend could have been! I just got back from Alice’s place and the crazy stories she told me about the weekend made my heart ache even more I wish I had stayed but you can’t change the past. The minuet I walked through my door that’s all I could think about; the past. Not long ago past but recent. I thought about last Wednesday. Last Wednesday night when the Dr. held me in his arms though the night. The bed sheets were exactly how we reluctantly left them. The number one part of the long weekend I wished would have never ended. Earlier on that night I had reminded myself that I couldn’t, and therefore wouldn’t end up in bed with him again. I constantly doubted my will power on this and it had me second guessing myself. Deep down I think I knew it’s what I wanted more than anything especially after he had come looking for me at the party. That was the moment I realized that no matter how much I couldn’t take him disappearing again I couldn’t take not spending the night in his arms more. So when we finally got our friends settled and in a safe place to stay for the night and he had encircled me in his warm comforting safe reassuring embrace I couldn’t help but ask. A silent tear rolled down my cheek and I knew I couldn’t not ask. I needed to prepare my heart for whatever the answer was so in the safety of darkness and his arms I asked. “Doc…Are you going to disappear again?” I caught my breath for half a second but his answer was immediate. “No I don’t usually do that” my heart should have soared but it couldn’t with my mind holding it back. I hate the fact that I won’t be able to believe it until his actions prove it. This is the moment that came rushing back into my mind as I dropped my bags and flopped face first onto my bed. The sheets and pillows still smelled like him and it made my heart beat a little bit faster which spread a smile to my lips. Thank God I was home! The next idea that popped into my head scared me slightly b/c it was see this proves it…It’s not a side effect of the alcohol; I am thinking it must be love. It scared me b/c I don’t know what his thoughts are and also it gives him the power to do as he pleases. I would forgive him for anything even if my mind was screaming NO!! I think he owns most of my heart already and that’s unsettling. During the night I had woken up many times throughout the night not because I was uncomfortable. It was actually the best sleep I had gotten for months. I am convinced that I had woken up because God wanted me to remember moments of bliss. The foremost memory being when I woke up and I was lying on my back with his lips touching my bare shoulder but a smile still visible. And his left hand resting on my stomach with his pinky and ring finger just barely below my pajama pant waistline. It was so innocent and sexy that I turned my head to kiss his forehead and run my fingers through his hair. Maybe I should be concentrating on these unconscious manifestations of affection but if I take them personally my heart will never be able to get over them.